Urgh. Been dealing with some writer's block for Whore's Boudoir. Partly it feels like I can't find the voice I want for it, and partly it's feeling as if I should feel guilty for everything I post.

See, I posted an article awhile back about foreskin, and that led someone down a particular path leading to jealousy and anger and frustration. This kind of thing is something I've been a little too conscious of, and perhaps I need to let it go; learn that I must forget my audience and post from me.

I have a past. I am no virgin, and have not been for way too long. I may have made some choices that weren't entirely wise, but they're part of my past and I've learned from them. Yes, that which I post to the WB is generally from my own personal experience -- they always say to write what you know, no? -- but sometimes conversations arise that lead to a new post (a la You did what on my what?!?). Sometimes I sit down and think over my past experiences and I remember something and I manage to turn it into an article.

Just because I write about something doesn't mean that I did it yesterday.

Bah. Apparently this is going to be another (or several) open letter(s); maybe it's easier to communicate with people this way, instead of face-to-face or on the phone? Lord knows my schedule hasn't allowed for a lot of face-to-face interactions, and my own mental confusion hasn't allowed for a lot of figuring of things out.

Sometimes it feels as if I'm playing a game. Sometimes it feels as if both of us are feeling the other out, tossing out phrases or ideas or thoughts to see how the other will react to it. I think we're both waiting for the other to take the first step and make the suggestion... and on one hand, I'm thinking I could maybe do it. On the other hand, is it fair to ask? I know I've been through a few relationships and sometimes I feel like that gives me more insight, more of a feeling of being settled about things.

I worry when people say things to me. I worry when I watch other people and feel jealous about it and I know I don't have the right to feel it; but emotions are stupid and don't make sense and aren't supposed to be logical... at least, that's what I always say. Just because I shouldn't feel something doesn't mean that I don't, and that's why I keep it to myself -- because you're just going to tell me that this is how my situation is, so why are you feeling that way? How do you think I feel?

Yeah, I know. I know I know I know.

September's going to be an interesting month, that's for sure. Sometimes I really hate having my birthday at the end of August.

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