New article up at Whore's Boudoir. It kinda drifts at the end, and when I was writing it up this evening, I felt like maybe it had a particular tone to it... I dunno. That might just be my current mood projecting onto it, but I could be wrong. Lemme know what you think; I don't want to mention what tone I think it has, lest I bias you all. Which I've already done. Ah well.

Eventually made it out to hang out with Glorg, Jacob and Shawn. I met up with them at a restaurant and we had some drinks and some dessert. I have to say, I was a little disappointed with my Hot Temptation; it was hot, but it wasn't that temptationizing. Or quite as tasty as some Hot Temptation-type desserts I've had before. Again, ah well.

Feeling very lackluster right now. My cold seems to be much improved, which is nice; it would appear that I was hit hard and suddenly and that it might perhaps disappear as quickly. We shall see what the morrow brings.

Today involved my 46-year old coworker asking me to sleep with him and what it would take to get me to sleep with him, and a coworker at my other job asked me out, but only kinda sorta. I danced around it, and he later apologized for coming on too strong, which I just kinda brushed off so as to make him feel more at ease (or so I hope). He asked me out with one or two other people around, so I made a bit of a joke about how I would just stand there while they talked about me in the third person; we shall see if anything more comes of it.

Nothing more from the two other coworkers (again, one at each job) that asked me to sleep with them (again in an indirect manner); I figure I'll wait to see if they actually bring it up again and then deal with it that way. It's my way of coping; feign ignorance until I have to actually deal with it, point-blank. Yay for playing stupid!

Why is my life always "interesting" in weird ways? Why can't it just be dull and full of things like awesome job, new apartment (which I'm not allowed to call the slanty shanty -- I must hereafter refer to it as the Drunken Whore's Boudoir, which incorporates the site, the sex (that I'm not having), and the drunken is a way of referring to the slantedness of it), and awesome sex/relationship? I guess sometimes guys are right -- MarkUK was the one to say that it's only 2 of the 3 aspects of your life that can only work out at the same time. The three parts are social life, personal life and work. And Meatloaf, another guy, said it best: I guess two out of 3 ain't bad.

Yet, as someone living out the 2 out of 3 (and soon to be working 3 jobs, if the bookstore doesn't hurry up and let me go.. although I might see if they'll let me drop to 2 shifts a week, 'cause I don't work enough with a full-time job and a shift on Sundays), I can say that it ain't that great, either. I've decided to make this entry as full of little insertions and things as possible (which I'm writing at the same time, not going back later to put in), in order to make it as confusing as possible to understand. Such is the state of my head lately.

There are things I want to write and I want to say, but I know that saying them won't change a damn thing, so why bother? Sometimes I do want to take people up on their offers so that I can use them for the temporary comfort that it would provide, but I know I'd just feel emptier afterwards, because it wouldn't be based on actual emotion -- at least not on my part -- and just on loneliness and a way of trying to fill the hollow.

Vaguely entertaining quote from this evening (I'll write out the actually funny ones later): "I was playing with a knife the other night, but I didn't use it. The blade had been used and was kinda ucky, so I didn't want to use it." "See, you think of things like that. Us, we just do it."

People ask me to express more of my emotions, and I know I'm not nearly as bad as some people we could name -- I don't deny I have emotions, after all -- but I worry sometimes or I notice sometimes that people don't seem to be able to handle emotion. E seemed scared of the fact that I cared for him (or I'll just make up stuff to feel like less of a loser), few friends are comfortable with having worries/dark thoughts/etc. just dumped on them, and even I get skittish when someone tells me they care about me.

I talked to Shawn the other day about how I could understand people cutting themselves, in a way; it's a way of concentrating all of the frustrations, upsets, angers and so forth into one tangible thing. That's why some of us do things like get pierced or tattooed; I know Diana and Heather share this with me -- we've all admitted or flat-out stated that some (or all) of our body mods are due to being hurt by guys. I've had some of mine done for other hurts, but the impetus is there.

Do I have people worried yet? Sorry. I'm not in near as dark a mood as I seem, but I'm not really in a chipper one, either. I guess it's partly from repressing certain things, or trying to cope with them. By repressing them. Yeah, I'm healthy and a half.

I just... I don't know what to do. There's no point in asking for what I want, because it might only be a band-aid solution, and I know it's not going to happen anyway. There's just an awful lot of gray area in the meantime, and it's not fun.

*sigh* It's so wrong to use others, but sometimes I just wish I could. Or that I'd let myself, that is. Just walk up and say, "I don't want this to be anything, but could we make out? Or cuddle?" Yet that would be using and would feel almost like a betrayal... how can I lay claim to feelings if I'm going to do something like that? Circumstances were different over the summer, and now they're different once more and none of it's been easy.

I want to spell it all out, but I don't want anyone to talk to me about it. Does that make sense? I want to say everything here that I want, but I don't want to hear the inevitable, "Uh... this isn't what I want" that I know will be the answer.

Rejection seems to be the story of my life. Get interested, get attached, get left behind as someone begins a new life of which I'm a minor part, or even a footnote. I can't count how many times it's happened. This is why friends are easier -- sure, you get attached, but there isn't the hope or the expectation or whatnot. It's a lot easier to renew a friendship that's been allowed to lapse than it is a relationship.

I'll be fine. I always have to be. I always am. If I pretend and smile and laugh and joke and just keep moving, it'll all keep moving around me. Not that it doesn't anyways, but if I keep up the front, then no one notices that I'm just drifting and not moving with it.

Just... don't, okay?

In horrid segue theatre, some quotes from the last few evenings of Glorg-Shawn-Jacob-Jen goodness:

"God doesn't hate it if they're young. How else are they going to have sex?" -- Okay, to fully appreciate this one, you must know that we rag on Glorg about how his being gay "isn't approved by God" and Shawn likes to rag on Glorg for liking young guys (which he does, but we're talking 17-19ish, not pedophile range by *any* stretch of the imagination) -- of course, us being us, we have to hyperbolize everything and make it seem that yes, we too hate gays and that yes, Glorg is a pedophile. Please, just laugh, okay? S'funny in context, I promise.

"When they're that young, they don't need to kneel, just bend over." -- See above. Hyperbole and deliberately trying to be as offensive as possible (sloppy vag, anyone?). Just laugh.

"Thou shalt D.P. whenever possible." -- One of Glorg's Ten Commandments.

"They have some kind of pres-esque device." -- I think this was me being intelligent. It might've been Glorg, actually. I don't usually write down the things I say 'cause they're rarely that funny.

And from tonight: "A human has the will to get better. A cat just thinks, "I'm a cat."" That one apparently appears on the website, www.shawnisright.com, since he corrected it for me after I wrote it down. Wrong. I don't deserve to live.

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