A confession.

Lately, I've been feeling particularly nostalgic. Part of the problem I've had in writing this has to do with the fact that 1) the wrong people are going to assume it's about them, and 2) I'm not even sure the right person will read it and understand.

So, I've just been dealing with the feeling, and talking to Ben about it, and trying to figure out what has brought it on, and why, and what I should do about it. I know that revisiting the relationship is not a good idea and not even an option; the belief abounds that there exists some very ill feelings and therefore even contact may be out of the question.

Is this a case of me giving myself a crush on someone? Or just turning unresolved feelings in a new direction? Is all of the revisting I've been doing lately turning into a weird ongoing spiral, where I just keep going through the past? I don't remember having gone through this before, at least not in this way; the closest I've come has been when I realized I was still in love with the ex- and we hooked back up, but I don't think this is a repeat of that.

For sure, I'm feeling sentimental, which isn't a bad thing. I'm finding it's the quiet moments that I'm remembering, the snuggling and cuddling and teasing and goofing around. It's not bad that I feel this way, the relationship itself was good, just had a bit of a poopy ending. Of course, I've never had a relationship with a good ending; the price one pays for being a huge mush of feelings internally, especially when one lets down walls and gets hurt.

And it's weird that I'm feeling this way when my emotions are all in a turmoil over other situations. It's like my brain is casting itself to a time when things were a bit easier and less confused and such. I wasn't as doubtful or uncertain, and I knew where things stood. I don't know.

Geez, writing about my feelings feels weird, what with having been a bit out of practice lately. Mind you, it's more my trying to vague it up enough that it's not recognizable for who/what it is, or so that the wrong people don't get the wrong idea. I'm not entirely sure what I'm trying to accomplish with this, except maybe to say that while it took me longer than it maybe ought to have, I do miss elements of the relationship and certainly the person involved, and that's a little more clear now. I'm just a little too good at supressing my feelings, I guess. Also, well, I just want to try to explain my headspace somewhat. If I can.

I haven't been sleeping very well the last week or so. It seems some nights that my nap would be hardcore sleep to the max, and then my night sleep would be really lightweight, like I was thinking all through it. That's how my nap today was, a part of me was awake the whole time and thinking, but not about anything that I can remember now. It makes for a pretty restless night, which is frustrating. I thought maybe my place was just too warm, but right now I feel almost cold, so that can't be it. :P

Well, this isn't really going anywhere right now, so I should just give up, pack it in, and go to bed. Maybe I'll be able to write more tomorrow, after my gym appointment. :P

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