So, you wanted an update, eh...?

(Be warned, this one's long enough to fix the problems with my site from before -- apparently I wasn't posting enough to keep my site properly set up.) :)

Friday night I met Ben downtown after my workout, and after some birthday gift shopping for Mark, we nabbed a bus out to his place and chatted over the roar of its engine.

One of the things I suggested – and he backed me up on this – is that once a month or so, everyone should get one day to be completely, totally honest without anyone taking offense. This would mean that on my honest day, I could walk up to any of my friends, tell them my grievances, my thoughts, feelings, whatever, and they don’t get to be upset with me.

Of course, this privilege extends in the other direction - it’s only fair. No hurt feelings, and no grudges, and people et to get things off their chests.

We both thought this sounded like a good idea, and are interested in starting it up. Of course, we can’t really do it successfully if we’re the only ones participating, so some people may find themselves roped in. :)

At his place, we watched some Buffy (his discs, shut up) and scarfed some pizza, and relaxed. I started passing out before midnight, like someone had turned a switch inside of me, so I stretched out on the couch at his invitation and crashed about two seconds later.

Somewhere just before 8 that morning, someone (a parental figure, I assume) came downstairs to get things out of the pantry. They noticed I was on the couch and turned off the lights and closed the door when they left, which I thought was quite nice. I didn’t want anyone to know I was awake, because then I’d have felt somewhat obligated to get up and be alert, and I still wanted to sleep. As I was lying there, I was thinking to myself, “Wow, I can see through my eyelids!” because I could see the reflection of the entertainment unit and the television across the room. Then I realized, “No, I can see because my eyes are open!” and then I closed them, so it wouldn’t be obvious I was awake. Sometimes, sleeping with your eyes open is a real nuisance. :P

Yes, I really do.

Ah well... it’s been a fairly quiet little while, although it’s getting a bit busier now. I’ve barely spent any time on the computer at home, and even at work I’ve had the odd thing to do here and there, and I just haven’t really felt like sitting and updating. I haven’t even known what to write, so that’s been a bit of a pisser, too.

There’s been some confusion and uncertainty going on in the personal life arena, and I haven’t really known what to do about it. Even now, I’m at a loss. Basically, once again I’m finding myself wanting to just run away to someplace where I know absolutely no one and start afresh, with a whole new host of problems and confusion.

I feel somewhat anxious today, and I’ve felt this way since I woke up this morning. I have no real explanation for it; it just is. I’m also pretty zonked and wishing I could just lie down and sleep, but that’s business as usual for me.

I’m finding that, like my idea at the top suggests, I’m starting to incorporate honesty a bit more often into my dealings with people lately. Maybe not 100%, and it’s not exactly honesty of the negative sort, but it’s things like admitting that I really wanted to follow someone and kiss them, or that the situation I’m in with someone else is guaranteed to make me feel my most insecure – and I’ve told both of these people these things, so if you haven’t heard it, quash your hopes. :)

I’ve also recently had it shown to me that alcohol is a fantastic thing – it truly does affect some people in interesting ways. I’ve known someone who tried to quiz me while I was drunk, which amused me at the time ‘cause I knew exactly what was going on. After all, alcohol is also known as truth serum for some people, and there’s a small part of me that kinda hopes it’s true in some cases. I don’t think many people lie while drunk, or at least not lies that have to do with things like, “No really officer, I just had a sip of my boyfriend’s drink” or “No honey, I didn’t hire that woman in my car to have sex with me.” Of course, it’s also entertaining when the person doesn’t remember what it was they said to you... making me both more and less certain that what was said was the truth.

D arrived in town late Sunday night, and we got together yesterday after work. We headed over to his parents’ place for dinner, and I found his dad much more entertaining and much less scary this time around, and I don’t know why. I think I have some newfound confidence from living on my own and working a real, grown-up job or something. I was much more amused by all the bluster – especially when he specifically said to D that he was trying to find my hot buttons (and by attacking the people that my job deals with, well, that ain’t anywhere near it, and I said as much) – and even during dinner when he talked about putting his big man foot down and how his wife should listen, and a bunch of other crap that just made me laugh.

After dinner, D and I watched American Beauty, which I hadn’t seen since about the time it first came out in video, and I’m not sure. Movies like that, especially lately, just make me kinda roll my eyes. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a good movie, but ... I don’t know, some of it felt kinda forced or weird or something.

Just had a long talk with one of my coworkers about job stuff and boys and whatnot. It’s tough sometimes trying to explain my current situation to other people, especially as I totally don’t understand it myself. Well, I understand it, but... I don’t know. I have so much shit in my head that I have to get straightened out, and so much baggage from the bad relationships I’ve had, or even just the ones that have ended poorly, that I sometimes don’t even know where to begin. And as great as they may be, some of my friends simply don’t help – it’s very tough trying to work out your own shit and insecurities when someone else is handing you theirs to deal with.

I just really wish that for once in my life, one of the relationships that I get into would just work for all of the right reasons. Maybe I need to start dating people who come from more of my background, or who are closer to my age, or whatever, but at the same time, that totally doesn’t help me deal with what it is I’m feeling and experiencing now. And sometimes I don’t even know what that is.

Those of you who’ve read this blog from the beginning, or who were around when it first started, may remember my adventures/absolute mishaps with the one I called The Ex-. Now, The Ex- and I haven’t had any contact in ages, aside from when I used to occasionally send him links that I thought might interest him, but the space and the time and the distance and the occasional other good relationship where what helped me get over him. However, it left me with a lot of bruises and uncertainties, and real big issues when it comes to me feeling as if someone is using me. This is why I can’t really get it going with casual, no-strings attached sex with a stranger – I never want to feel like someone is just using me because I happen to be an available cunt, or because I’m not totally ugly to them. I need to feel as if someone cares about who I am, and likes who I am (yeah, the liking helps) – a “Jen’s cool/smart/funny/nice/interesting/cute and I’d like to be close to her” and not “Jen has boobs and a pulse.”

The Ex- and I dated long-distance the second time around, for a little over two years. Things started to disintegrate after about a year and a half, when he told me he wanted to see other people. We kept dating through the summer, then kinda not really split up and were kinda not really together and apart for quite some time after that – I don’t remember all the details, I’d have to go back and read journals to refresh my memory properly. After we broke up for good, we both started seeing other people, and yet he’d still keep trying to cyber me, or have me talk dirty to him while he got off, or he’d come home for visits and try to sleep with me. Because I was emotionally fucked up over him and kept hoping that maybe, if we spent time together, he’d remember how good it was and want to be with me again, I let it happen. I never slept with him, because I knew that that would just screw me up something wicked-fierce, but in the end, I was still pretty fucked up over it, and it took me a long time to really recover.

J was the next heartbreak that I had to deal with, but it was my shit and not his. I held onto a lot of hopes for a long time, and that was again, my shit. Basically, he was the first really great guy that I’d dated for awhile, someone that I saw myself being really happy with, and so I was pretty disappointed when it ended (hah, again for those of you who’ve been reading this for awhile, you’ll understand the understatement of that comment). Again, it was time and distance that helped to heal things there; even when I felt secure and better, I still had a hard time talking to him or even looking at him when we were together in person. This summer was really the first time I was able to talk and deal with him and not feel like a total loser. Since then, I’ve seen him on a few occasions and things have been pretty much comfortable. I still seem to pay a bit more attention when his name comes up in conversation, or I feel some sympathies to him because in some ways I understand things that others might not, but that’s just ‘cause I dated the guy and don’t think that connection that I have to him is going to ever really go away.

After J I dated Mark, Ben’s younger brother. Mark was the first guy I’d been friends with first in awhile, and while we decided to start things off casually, it progressed into an actual relationship after a little while. Things between us were good, and I liked the feeling of belonging and acceptance that I had from his family (although parents generally like me), and our time together. I still think fondly of Mark, and we’ve started talking a bit more often and spending time together once in awhile, and various feelings or whatnot that I’m acknowledging have led me to realize that sometimes I’m damn good at hiding stuff from myself, or even denying my feelings.

Which brings me to D. As some of you may know, I’m only really hitting the highlights (with one lowlight) in this little (okay, huge) brain vomitage, since I haven’t talked about my “relationship” with the pizza guy or the “fiasco” (“air quotes”) with the coworker. Time with D has encompassed both, to be honest. The relationship aspect of it is generally good, with some occasional moments of immaturity/stupidity on both of our parts (a lot of the stupidity is insecurity for me), but it’s been the post-stuff that’s been confusing, hurtful at times, difficult, and brings back bad memories of my time with The Ex-. My coworker friend thinks I need to just walk away, and get my shit together from a solo perspective, and spend time with good people, but I don’t know if I’m that strong. I have elements of The Ex- and the J relationships filtering back through here: “Oh, if he just sees how great we are/I am/how other girls just aren’t the same (totally not my belief, but I can dream), then maybe...”

But I don’t even know what that maybe should be. Sometimes when I’ve felt really bad about things, I’ve just wanted to go out to the bars for several nights in succession and just hook up with random people. But I don’t know if I’d respect myself after that. Instead, I just try to gather sympathies and attention from various safe friends, who won’t threaten my little existence, although even that’s starting to change – and again, I don’t know what I want to do about that.

I feel anxious still, and weird, and uncertain, and I still don’t know why. I feel like there’s some big heart-wrenching talk on the horizon, but I don’t know what it would be over. Things with D are much like they were with The Ex-; “don’t ask/don’t tell/do whoever you want but I don’t have to like it” ridiculousness stupidity... and sometimes I’m really scared of being dragged back down to where I ended up then, with the insecurity and the jealousy and the hating.

But I’m different now, much as it may not feel that way at times. I know that I’m usually dealing with things differently than I did then, and either I feel differently about D than I did about The Ex-, or I’m just better at dealing, or I’m really really good at denying things to myself, but I’m not in that pit that I was in back then. I’m more self-aware, and I’m doing my absolute best to stop myself from getting there. I like to think that if I feel myself getting close to that pit, that I’ll walk away, but I can’t say that for sure.

I guess what it boils down to is like what he said once; for a relationship that was really only maybe five months in length, it’s not a good idea to make whatever changes or sacrifices it would take to continue things. Of course, what my brain interprets this as is, “You’re not good enough/worth enough for those sacrifices, no matter how many times I may tell you I love you/I want to be with you/I think about you all the time.” In a sense to me, things have lasted longer than five months because of whatever else you would call what’s been happening between us since September. But... that’s my perspective, and when it comes to me and my relationships, it’s usually flawed.

When it comes to other people or their relationships, it’s often bang-on, oddly enough. Maybe the Bald Guy was right when he said that he didn’t see me ever getting married, just having partnerships. The irony of the way people perceive me is this: people see me as always chasing boys, or sleeping with the world, or living the swinging single lifestyle (or something), or even picking up people through my self-confidence and all that other crap. In reality, I desperately want to be in a secure relationship with someone, living with them and looking after each other, married and all the rest that that encompasses. I’m 23 years old, and I’m tired of dating assholes, I’m tired of dating temporary boys, I’m tired of dating Mr. Okay for Now instead of Mr. Right. A few times in my life I thought I’d found Mr. Right, and at least once I’m really glad I’m mistaken; I shouldn’t have to compromise myself, or at least not drastically, in order to make a relationship with someone work.

In the meantime, I just life day-to-day and hope that maybe I’ll meet someone right. Or maybe, things might work out right for me. It seems pretty unlikely, but I figure there has to be a payoff for me at some point, right?