I love killing time at bash.org:
(@Li-Sonder) i'm going to build a castle from the empty soda cans on my desk
(@Li-Sonder) and declare myself king of this desk
(@Li-Sonder) and rule it with an iron fist
(@Li-Sonder) and make all the ants pay taxes
(@Li-Infinite) wow
(@Li-Infinite) you got way too much time on your hand.
(@Li-Sonder) you mean my iron fist.

(Fusion) My cat tried to eat a praying mantis. I told him it was a bad idea.
(Mitsugi) what was his response?
(Fusion) Uh... "meow"
(Mitsugi) figures
(Fusion) Yeah. What a bitch.

(Drewtetz) new internet pickup line! "Girl, you're so hot your file extension should be .fap!"

(n) Join (sam)-(sam@sam.name) has joined #0secadmin
(m0zzie) uhh sam, who are you and who gave you the key?
(sam) i am sam and i didnt need a key :-)
(m0zzie) hmm.. this is a private channel, please fuck off. :)
(n) Mode (m0zzie)-(+b *!*sam@sam.name)
(lynx) m0z, meet sam, the server admin :/
(m0zzie) oh fuck.
(n) Mode (m0zzie)-(-b *!*sam@sam.name)
(m0zzie) me love you long time? :)

(Mr_E) kazaa lite's a little better... I get a good 30 seconds of downloading before it crashes
(Mr_E) regular kazaa crashes on start up
(Mr_E) I need like, kazaa-uber-lite
(Mr_E) if there was such thing
(Mr_E) maybe I'd get a whole file done then
(w|zzy) it is your celery
(Mr_E) excuse me?
(logicalentity) hehe
(logicalentity) NOW THATS TECH SUPPORT

Argh. There were others that I sent to Shawn, but now I can't remember them. Ah well. Have some more:

(Donut(AFK)) HEY EURAKARTE
(Donut(AFK)) INSULT
(Eurakarte) RETORT
(Donut(AFK)) COUNTER-RETORT
(Eurakarte) QUESTIONING OF SEXUAL PREFERENCE
(Donut(AFK)) SUGGESTION TO SHUT THE FUCK UP
(Eurakarte) NOTATION THAT YOU CREATE A VACUUM
(Donut(AFK)) RIPOSTE
(Donut(AFK)) ADDON RIPOSTE
(Eurakarte) COUNTER-RIPOSTE
(Donut(AFK)) COUNTER-COUNTER RIPOSTE
(Eurakarte) NONSENSICAL STATEMENT INVOLVING PLANKTON
(Miles_Prower) RESPONSE TO RANDOM STATEMENT AND THREAT TO BAN OPPOSING SIDES
(Eurakarte) WORDS OF PRAISE FOR FISHFOOD
(Miles_Prower) ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTENCE OF TERMS

(tatclass) YOU ALL SUCK DICK
(tatclass) er.
(tatclass) hi.
(andy\code) A common typo.
(tatclass) the keys are like right next to each other.

(xterm) The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

(AgentSmith) It seems you have been leading two lives, Mr. Anderson. In one life, you are Robert Anderson, assistant cook at a Jack in the Box in Mesquite....in the other...you go by the chat alias "Randerson"...spreading homosexual propoganda, lying, and being a generally immature pest...
(AgentSmith) One of these...has a future.
(Randerson) LMAO OMFG where's the phone, I have to tell Dean about this
(AgentSmith) How can you use the phone when you cannot...speak?
*** AgentSmith sets mode: +m

(tag) Ouroboros: lets play Pong
(Ouroboros) Ok.
(tag) | .
(Ouroboros) . |
(tag) | .
(Ouroboros) . |
(tag) | .
(Ouroboros) | .
(Ouroboros) Whoops

(Guo_Si) Hey, you know what sucks?
(TheXPhial) vaccuums
(Guo_Si) Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
(TheXPhial) black holes
(Guo_Si) Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
(TheXPhial) lava?

(NES) lol
(NES) I download something from Napster
(NES) And the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading it from me when I'm done
(NES) I message him and say "What are you doing? I just got that from you"
(NES) "getting my song back fucker"

(anamexis) oh man
(anamexis) I was opening a coke, right
--) Beefpile (~mbeefpile@cloaked.wi.rr.com) has joined #themacmind
(anamexis) and it exploded
(anamexis) ALMOST all over my keyboard
(anamexis) but I got it away just in time
(-- Beefpile has quit (sick fuckers)
(anamexis) :(

(Night-hen-gayle) I gotta go. There's a dude next to me and he's watching me type, which is sort of starting to creep me out. Yes dude next to me, I mean you.

(BombScare) i beat the internet
(BombScare) the end guy is hard

(scirDSL) I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

(Stormrider) I should bomb something
(Stormrider) ...and it's off the cuff remarks like that that are the reason I don't log chats
(Stormrider) Just in case the FBI ever needs anything on me
(Elzie_Ann) I'm sure they can just get it from someone who DOES log chats.
*** FBI has joined #gamecubecafe
(FBI) We saw it anyway.
*** FBI has quit IRC (Quit: )

Jakefeb3: do you know a turtles only weakness?
AvatarOfSolusek: no
AvatarOfSolusek: well
AvatarOfSolusek: thier slowness
Jakefeb3: there weakness is they cant roll over when they are on their backs
AvatarOfSolusek: lol
Jakefeb3: now i have a plan
Jakefeb3: if i duck tape 2 turtles together they are unstoppable

(DigiGnome) Real life should have a fucking search function, or something.
(DigiGnome) I need my socks.

(Ich) I have passed the transitional stage of internet geekhood
(Ich) I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the code for plums, which is 4040.
(Ich) and the 0 key doesn't work this well, so I punched it in wrong.
(Ich) and the machine flashed up "Item Not Found: 404"
(Ich) and I actually laughed out loud

(kyourek) There was a 23% drop in temperature.
(nappyjallapy) That's almost 25%!
(kyourek) ... That was one of the most worthless comments I've ever heard.

(Tsk) oiuyniyu98h987h89yh87y98yjn987j987y897yhkiuk;''''
(Tsk) sorry.. there was a spider on my keyboard.

(MortalKombat) stfu mat|t u cu.nt
* Acaila sets mode: +b MortalKombat!*@*
(@Acaila) FINISH HIM
(mat|t) rofl
(MortalKombat) omg wtf man
* MortalKombat was kicked by Acaila (forward, forward, back, back, forward, punch)
(@Acaila) FATALITY!

(MercyBeat) For those of you planning on seeing the third LOTR movie at the theater her are some survival tips.
(MercyBeat) 1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"
(MercyBeat) 2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
(MercyBeat) 3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: "I must go! Middle Earth needs me!" and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
(MercyBeat) 4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."
(MercyBeat) 5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
(MercyBeat) 6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts
(MercyBeat) 7. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."
(MercyBeat) 8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
(MercyBeat) 9. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians
(MercyBeat) 10. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
(MercyBeat) 11. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.
(MercyBeat) 12. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.
(MercyBeat) 13. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
(MercyBeat) 14. Ask people around you who they think is the next "Terminator" sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins
(MercyBeat) 15. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
(MercyBeat) 16. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
(MercyBeat) 17. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
(MercyBeat) 18. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
(MercyBeat) 19. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
(MercyBeat) 20. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

(Ouroboros) Has anyone ever logged into dev0n's FTP?
(Affe) ouro: that some kind of sexual innuendo?
(xpander) is that a euphemism?
(Ouroboros) Possibly
(Ouroboros) Shhh
(Ouroboros) I try to be subtle about these things.
(Affe) in that case, i 'log into dev0ns ftp' all the time
(Ouroboros) Yeah, she gave me her "login" but she won't reply to my "/msgs"
(Affe) dude i had 'sex' with her in the 'butt' the other day
(Affe) oh wait
(Affe) we're being subtle

(EyesofPrisms) and ou are an uytter newb
(KC48348751) dude
(KC48348751) how did that y move over like 12 characters

(M3rlin-) what is the legal age to buy alcoholic in england ?
(p5Ds13a06) you cant buy alcoholics
(p5Ds13a06) but if you wink the right way, some of them will follow you home for free

-(Conroy_Bumpus)- OH FUCK ME
-(Conroy_Bumpus)- I FORGOT TO PICK UP MY 7 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER FROM SOCCER PRACTICE
-(Conroy_Bumpus)- 9 HOURS AGO
-(Conroy_Bumpus)- HOLY SHIT
-(Conroy_Bumpus)- BYE

(jeebus) the "bishop" came to our church today
(jeebus) he was a fucken impostor
(jeebus) never once moved diagonally

(madthink) what does putting sugar in someones gas tank do
(maff) I heard when you start the engine cinnamon rolls come out
(maff) with frosting and everything
(madthink) i need to get revenge in the worst way
(maff) cinnamon rolls arent really revenge

(Dark_Fox) Kami: if you changed your name to Kame, you would have a much more interesting name :)
(Kami) Dark_Fox: And if you changed yours to Dark_Fax, you'd have a more communicative name. :)
* Dark_Fox is now known as Dark_Fax
(Kami) It'd be... 'telecommunicative.'
* Dark_Fax makes noises and bitches because he's out of paper ant toner *
(Kami) Oh god, that happened at work today.
(Dark_Fax) FEED MEE!!!
(SailorV) Nuuuuuuuu
* Dark_Fax displays wrong time *
* Dark_Fax rings for no reason *
* Kami is now known as VCR-clock
* Dark_Fax gets a paper jam *
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
(Dark_Fax) PAPPPERRRRR
* VCR-clock blinks
(Dark_Fax) TOOOOOONEEERRRR
* VCR-clock blinks
(VCR-clock) :)
* Dark_Fax breaks a bearing and bounces around on the counter *
(Dark_Fax) FEEEED ERROORRR!!!! NEED PAPER!!
* Dark_Fax rings again for no reason *
* VCR-clock blinks some more
* SailorV runs and hides becuz there are weirdo's in here
* Dark_Fax chases SailorV * MY PAPER!!! MY PREEESCIOUUUS!!
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
(SailorV) EEEE!
* SailorV unplugs the VCR
* VCR-clock has quit IRC
* Dark_Fax is now known as Dark_Fox
(Dark_Fox) ok i think ive peaked the humor of that

(Pixistix) I'm going to name my kids Control, Alt, and Delete.
(Pixistix) If they ever get to be a problem I'll just hit them all twice
(Pixistix) Problem solved.

(Ohtani) one day I will kill ever person on earth who says 'u' instead of 'u'
(Ohtani) err
(kaientai) Ohtani: Planning a suicide run?

* veganzombie has joined #uc
(veganzombie) Graaaaaaaiiiiinnssss.....
* veganzombie has quit IRC (Quit: Graaaaaaaiiiiinnssss.....)

(pihlopase) Jesus Saves
(jbroome) pases to moses, SCOOOOORE

(@Exor(B-AFK)) yeah apparently a teacher in britain was arrested. on him they found a pencil, eraser, ruler, protractor and compass. They said he was part of the Al Gebra network, and that he had weapons of math instruction!
(@Exor(B-AFK)) HA HA.
* Exor(B-AFK) shoots self

* Quits: crag-- (crag@202.154.72.136) (Dead girls dont say no)
* Quits: KiM (KiM@134.115.157.196) (going for a walk :p)
(@ShowDowN) that is sick
(@ShowDowN) we should ban him next time he comes in
(@nekro) yeah, who the hell goes for walks

DinjackPD: there was this once, like three years ago, I forgot this big project I had to turn in when I went to school
DinjackPD: so I called home to my dad (he works out of a home office) and asked him to bring it for me
DinjackPD: so he came to school with it and he came up to me and shook my hand and said "Hi there, I'm David, I'm your personal secretary."
DinjackPD: And I said "Hi there, I'm your son, you signed on for this shit when you didn't wear a condom."
DinjackPD: I thought it was funnier than he did

* sunny wanders back in the world of chemistry ... where the H+ atoms have lost their protons and don't know where to find them ...
(@guinea-pig) an ion walks into a bar and says "i think i left an electron here lastnight"
(@guinea-pig) and the bartender says "are you positive?"
(sunny) hahahahaha
(mikegrb) that is awesome
(@guinea-pig) yes, we are geeks

And a moment of stupidity from my life/real content for a change...

So last night Ben and I grabbed a quick dinner before I went to see The Ladykillers (good movie, btw. Tom Hanks is funny and slimy). I was running a bit behind and had one bite left of my panini when my phone rings.

What do I do? In my ever-intelligence, I think, "Oh, I have to grab that!" and simultaneously think, "I have to finish this sandwich quickly 'cause I'm already late!"

So... I cram the stupid sandwich in my mouth and pick up my phone at the same time.

I answer the phone, and about the best I can manage is "Hi." Then, once my stupidity sinks in, I start laughing, still only about to manage, "Hi." I'm questioned on what's so funny, and I explain that I have a mouth full of food. The question, "That's funny?" gets answered with, "I'll explain why when I see you in person."

I swore at Ben at some point, 'cause he said something mean, but after I hung up the phone and explained to Ben, he at least found it funny.

"Ack, my phone is ringing! Must cram food in mouth and answer phone!"

Okay, well, *I* found it funny.