This is what happens when I farm out speech requests to my friends:

Shawn says:
Sure! 'Mr. President, Esteemed Members of Congress, I stand before you now a naked man - a very, very naked man. Yes, indeed, a man who has removed all of his clothing. A man who, in the face of adversity, or any form of anxiety for that matter, has a strange and obsessive compulsion to remove his clothing - not entirely dissimilar from the manner in which a monkey would masturbate furiously not because he is sexually aroused, friends - oh no, but because he's merely frustrated or antsy.'

Shawn says:
Are you getting this down?

Me: Is the week over yet? says:
Yep, but the thing is... we don't have a Congress. Or a President

Shawn says:
That's what'll make it all the more touching.