I'm frustrated with my life right now.

I'm really not sure how I feel about my job; 'hate' isn't quite apt, but 'enjoy' certainly doesn't cover it either. I feel in some ways as if I'm screwing up constantly, and I don't enjoy that.

There's a durtygurls event coming up next Friday. I waited several weeks and then finally sent an email last night, after (sort of) attending 3 writersfest events, asking if I could be a part of the open mic. There's a chance that I may get to stand on stage next week and read some of the Whore's Boudoir articles I've written. I really hope I get to... it's a scary prospect, but it could be seriously amazing.

I feel as though, if I only knew what I wanted to do with my life, I'd feel more satisfied with it, or at least I would have some direction to it. I was flipping through the notes I took last year from one of the roundtables I attended, and it had some great motivating questions and comments, from a writing stand-point. I was thinking over the story I started for NaNoWriMo last year, too, and thinking of ways I could or should edit it to give my characters a bit more depth. I wonder if I'm actually cut out for fiction writing.

I've also been somewhat disappointed with my regular blogroll. Out of the two dozen or so sites I hit on a daily basis, I think perhaps 2 people have updated in the last week; maybe 5 or 6 in the last two weeks, and only some 10 in the last month.

Okay, I just had a sort of conversation with another coworker, and it looks as though I'm not being directly blamed for recent events, which is nice. There's frustration, but he seems to be directing it upwards, and not at me... me likey.

Anyhow, I also want to read more, or at least keep a record of what I'm reading and what I think of it. I was going for a bit with a book every few days, and I was finding that I was constantly scrounging for a new novel to read, depending on my mood. I usually have anywhere from 1-4 books on the go, on average, and it all depends on what I feel like reading. Sometimes it's a novel, sometimes it's feminist critiques. I started reading 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time' and put it aside in favour of something a bit more portable and more pulpy: 'Obsidian Butterfly,' the only Anita Blake book I've only read once. What can I say? Sometimes I really prefer carrying my PDA around, especially if I'm taking the small bag.

I haven't been sleeping too well this past week, or at least not getting to sleep at a decent hour. Tuesday, the day I took off from work, I wound up going for a run at 11 o'clock at night, so it was fairly understandable that I didn't get to sleep until nearly 2. I'd also had a 2-hour nap that morning, but usually morning naps don't adversely affect me. Wednesday I crashed for about 40 minutes and felt really refreshed and not logey at all afterwards... but it meant I wasn't tired when it was bedtime. Similar story last night; I wound up sleeping for awhile during one of the writersfest events, and so I was fairly alert for the rest of the evening.

I haven't been doing my extra bout of sleep in the mornings, either. It used to be that my alarm would go off at 6:30, and I'd doze again until sometime after 7. Now, I wake up before my alarm, and for a period before and after it, my cats spend time digging at me through the sheets. Thena was *very* into this digging this morning, getting very wound up and determined to do I don't quite know what... but she had a purpose, for sure. I think it's because they're hungry and they feel this is an effective way of getting my attention. :P I try to teach them that doing this doesn't immediately equal food -- I always go to the bathroom first before feeding them, but maybe it's time to break that routine somewhat.

They drive me nuts, too. I fill Thena's dish first, they both start eating it (adult food). I take Venus into the bedroom to fill her dish, they both follow me into the bedroom and eat her food -- kitten food. At least I know they'll share a dish without problems, but still... argh. Thena was tiring of the kitten food when I had just her, but now that I have Venus, it's delicious again. Damn cats. At least Thena's still young enough that it's not overly fattening for her, but still...! I think it's time to move Venus' dishes into the kitchen, since I no longer lock her up during the day. This also means I can start moving the second litterbox out of the bedroom and stop the spills of litter that accumulate on my floor. Damn cats. :)

I went to three writersfest events yesterday; I fell asleep during the first one (I felt bad about that), I left partway through the second to get some food, but I stayed for the whole third one. I even bought the lady's book afterwards -- a hardcover, no less, which I almost never buy. Dammit. Chapters.ca has it on sale at 30% off, too... guess I'm going to return it. I'm a loser.

My coworker told me yesterday that I'm a phenomenal writer, better than most (many?) of the bureaucrats here. I don't know about the first part, but I'll agree with the second -- most bureaucrats aren't good writers. I've seen some of what they write, and... well, it's poo, it really is.

Okay, things have gotten a bit better since I started writing this. Long conversation with a friend, some semi-urgent requests that were very easy to handle, upsetting someone at another department (not my fault), and I even got a shoulder squeeze and a kiss on the head from someone out of appreciation! Yay! :)

I think it's time to end this here... otherwise it's going to become a day listing of my mood, back and forth. That could be fun for some, but I doubt it. I also have a new little table, which is cool... I can use it to block people out of my office, perhaps. >:)

They also have the chair massage people here today, so I'm thinking of going for that. Yumm... $15 for an upper-body massage, I could live with that. I'm just chicken for some reason about actually going for it. Does that make sense?

Also, is it bad that I think I might be sorta-kinda-not-really flirting with the new guy?