I'm feeling very much in a rut right now. I feel as though my life is ... not very exciting, and very static and routine, and I want to do something to change this. I'm not sure what, yet, though.

I also feel vaguely crabby and irritable right now, and I'm not sure why. Maybe because of my realization that things are fixed and dull. I know I really didn't want to come into work today -- it's 30 degrees outside, and I'm inside running crap. And by the time I leave, it's too late for me to do anything, especially since I have to get up in the morning and do more crap. But at least I'm being tested for my oral French abilities, so that's a break in the routine. Also, I have a meeting to run tomorrow, and lately I haven't been invited to many of these -- I called this one though, so it'll be tough for them to remove me from it.

I have job woes to articulate, but I'm going to wait until I've moved on to share them. Suffice it to say, anyone with a modicum of computer knowledge will be very frustrated on my behalf, or so I hope.

Friday night I got together with Big A for some catching up. We had a martini apiece and some dessert, and he decided that the waiter liked me -- until it was time for the guy to present us with our bill and collect payment, and then apparently the waiter didn't like me anymore. I think Big A's drink was just hitting him harder than he wanted to admit. :)

I went home to bed, because I am an old lady. Saturday I got up and had some breakfast with the spook -- and I ate too much -- and then we did a bit of running around, since I had already wrapped the wedding gift and didn't really have anything else left to do that afternoon, aside from pick up a card, which I thought I'd already had. My apartment was way too warm to want to hang around in, so it was nice to be out and wandering -- although I think I ended up with the same result.

We checked out a couple of book sales, and hit up Mountain Equipment Co-op, where he wanted to get some shorts, look at boots and pick up sunglasses. I found a pair of sunglasses I liked, and another lightweight, small backpack ('cause I don't already have enough of them), so I got those, too.

He dropped me off at the restaurant where the wedding was taking place, and then it was an evening of hanging out with my friends. I chatted a bit with someone new, that some of my friends were talking (not sure how seriously) about setting me up with, but nothing came of it, and that was fine. It's not like I'm looking, and I can always just add it to the busted ego. ;)

Our dinner table consisted of myself, JJ, A and her J, M and A, S and N, and Mad's parents. We were having fun, laughing and joking with one another -- M and A are a riot, and Mad's parents are awesome, too -- and we talked about all sorts of everything and nothing. The one thing that really stands out from that evening was the phrase, "Voulez-vous du beurre?" as the best pick-up line.

Anyhow, apparently the fact that we were laughing and having fun led other tables to believe that we were all drunk. *roll*

Which leads into a rant, but that comes out later. Anyhow, dinner was good, and I even ate a whole slice of tarte au sucre, a French-Canadian classic diabetes dessert, and JJ and I went out for a bit to chat and enjoy what had then become a cooler evening. We ended up missing out on the first dance or two, and he left shortly thereafter, but I stayed until the very end, which I hadn't really intended to do.

Let's see... danced a fair bit, including a slow song with most of the guys in the group, half of a polka with Greg that left me leaning against the post in the middle of the room for awhile until the world stopped spinning -- then T and I finished it off... A was dancing seductively with her back to the post at one point, so T and I set up on either side of her to bracket her and add our own seduction techniques to the mix. Her boyfriend didn't look too impressed, but the groom got some snapshots that might not turn out (no flash).

Towards the end of the night, when I was feeling punchy-tired, I had a piece of cake (which was a bit of a mistake, since I was already feeling as though I'd overeaten), and then the cover of the song "I will survive," by Cake, came on, and I announced to the groom, "Yay, Cake! I love cake. And I just ate cake!" and I laughed. Which led him to ask me how drunk I was -- to which I said, "I'm as sober as you are." He said he hadn't anything to drink, and I said, "exactly."

Enter the rant. I am very very tired of having people -- especially people who don't drink -- tell me I am drunk, when I'm only laughing and having a good time. I pick up on other peoples' moods fairly frequently, and if I'm hanging out with people who are loud and laughing and having fun, I will do the same thing. I did it with the spooks' parents and friends, I do it with Shawn, with Big A, and so on. There is only one person in that crowd who has ever seen me drunk, and that was J, the ex-bf, on my birthday almost 3 years ago. I have had drinks around my friends, and I have been slightly tipsy, but I would have had to point it out to them for them to even realize it. I have major control issues; my level of intoxication ties very strongly into that.

I'm just very tired of being accused of being drunk just because I happened to have a drink.

I'll be the first person to label myself as a cheap drunk, but my tolerance is equalled by my self-control. If it weren't for the fact that it would play directly into peoples' expectations, I'd be tempted to get drunk and show them exactly how I am when I am drunk, for real, and not just in their minds.

Argh. Right now I'm just so tired of my life. I'm tired of disliking my body, I'm tired of disliking my work, I'm tired of not wanting to clean my apartment, I'm tired of not having any nice clothes to wear, I'm tired of wasting time, I'm tired of feeling as though I'm forcing myself onto people (yeah, yeah), I'm tired of feeling unattractive and overlooked and I'm tired of feeling tired of all of these things.

What change should I make next?

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