A collection of thoughts, mostly self-absorbed ones, that span the last few weeks. Welcome to a brain dump:


I have problems with emotions. I don’t know how it started, or when; I can point to instances in my childhood, but I can’t necessarily assign them blame. I’m just as I am, I guess.

I have difficulties telling people I love them. I’m not sure I’ve ever told my parents that I love them, and I don’t remember when they last told me the same. I’m not complaining or offering excuses; merely explanations at best.

How or even whether this has affected past and present relationships isn’t entirely clear, although it has led to my being called cold on two occasions – that I was present for. People are so kind.

Nonetheless, I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again; I do have feelings. For the record, there is nothing in my life that is triggering this post, aside from a wandering mind and possibly too much time to think.

I started this with the intention of crafting a love letter, of sorts. Once upon a time, I was in a relationship. It became more than it was originally meant to, and eventually it ended. Not very well, but then again, these things rarely do.

I didn’t do a very good job showing this person that I cared about him; in fact, I think it very likely that I took him for granted.

Hindsight is 20/20, isn’t it? I’d like to believe that I’ve grown, that I’ve matured, but I find that unlikely. Maybe I have; I haven’t taken advantage of some opportunities presented to me… though I’ll admit to flirting once or twice, ‘cause I like it.

It’s interesting learning the perspectives of you that your friends have. I told a friend that I was out of the practice of flirting, and wanted to get back to it, ‘cause I missed it. I mentioned I’d been slowly getting back into it, and he said he’d noticed. He said when the Smooshy and I were getting more serious, I’d eased off, but it had picked up again in the last few months – a description supported by another friend. Even my trainer mentioned that I’ve been down the last while, and am now back to myself and more upbeat. As she said, I match my hair – which is now (and has been for about a month) red again, for those who are interested.

Wow, have I ever ventured off-course. This was meant to be a letter of praise, admiration, and even love for someone from my past (who’s unlikely to even read it), and look where it’s gone.

Well, since I’m already off-track, welcome back libido. I’ve missed you. Granted, this may not have been the most opportune time, but here we are.

People who express self-confidence are unusual to me. I’m not sure if it’s because few of my friends express their self-confidence in the same way, or if all the self-deprecating humour that I hear and make has coloured me, but… mind you, I think it’s the nature of our culture and society. We have a very difficult time with confident people.

I encountered it when I told the Smooshy I was a good writer. It’s not necessarily a sign of my ego – simply a result of years of compliments and a gradual acceptance. I feel I write well, but it’s hard for other people to hear me say that. I’m sure there are those who don’t believe it, too – which is fine. Writing is subjective, and I enjoy doing it for me. And you. :)

My mom told me the other day that I always jump into everything with both feet. I find that odd to reconcile with my image of myself as shy, timid, chickenshit… I’ve always felt that I’m terrible at making first moves, but maybe it’s time to let that belief go. Maybe I’m not. But I do know that I like to be pursued, and I’m fairly sure it’s because I hate the vulnerable/out-of-control feeling that comes from being the leader. Maybe I do get too emotionally involved too quickly… I guess I can consider myself lucky that no one picks up on it, given the number of people who’ve told me I’m hard to read, right?

And yet… apparently I also broadcast certain thoughts/feelings. Or maybe I’ve just met someone who can read me; which is a scary idea, regardless of who he or she might be – I like having secrets and, more importantly, privacy – says she who (semi-) regularly spills her guts on this blog.

I frequently mentally choreograph strip dances to music I hear, but I’ve never done a strip tease for anyone. I’d like to, but it would have to be for someone who finds me – and the idea of me stripping – really fucking hot. All or nothing, baby.

I’m trying to re-sexualize my bedroom, and on a greater scale, my life. I’ve gone off the pill, which seems to be helping with whatever depression/no sex drive issues I was having. I tidied up my bedroom yesterday – or least, did away with all the laundry – and I’m on the hunt for new bedsheets. I’m on my way to being a reformed nailbiter – I haven’t done it, nor had the urge to do it, since removing my fake nails. Maybe discovering people who really enjoy being scratched (I’m looking at you, R!) is helping that.

I also want to make more of an effort to buy more flattering and/or fitted clothes. I still have a lot of pieces that are great for hiding in, but aren’t especially becoming or trendy/grownup.

I’ve always found certain clothing, jewelry or body parts sexier than others. The nape of the neck, at least on a woman, is sexy to me; on a guy, I like the abs and the treasure trail, where applicable (some guys have a treasure forest). Running your fingers just under the waistband of a guy’s underwear? Sexy. Having someone trail their finger down my neck, or bite/scrape their teeth where my neck starts to meet my shoulder? Sexy. I had one long-ago boyfriend (the First Big Love) who would run his tongue up the back of my neck – very sexy.

Buttons are sexy. Having someone undo the buttons on your shirt, one at a time is a turn on – and much easier and arguably more convenient than pulling your shirt over your head. It’s a bit classier than having someone reach down your neckline to try to access your breasts, too. Remember – those things are attached.

I also think chokers and ankle bracelets are sexy. For the first, well, see above; for the second, I’m not sure why. Maybe because ankles so rarely get attention, and feeling an anklet there is a gently sensual experience, I don’t know – but they work best on bare legs. Under or over pantyhose just isn’t the same.

Being pinned up against a wall, especially with hands over the head, is also sexy. As is bondage and blindfolds, but I’ll talk about that some other time.

I was out this weekend at a friend’s place for a birthday party, and I was admiring my girlfriend’s daughter’s eyes; they’re a beautiful sold blue colour, with no other colours visible. My girlfriend and the birthday boy then started commenting on my eyes, saying how I had a gold circle around my pupil, and how cool that was. I’ve actually usually wished I didn’t I didn’t have that, as I find it takes away from the solid blue I think is nicer. At the same time, I don’t usually notice it, and I think it tends to disappear later at night, when my eyes are prone to lightening.

I had a friend say recently that I seem angry at myself. I’m not sure what to make of that, exactly.