Weird head space the last few days. For now I’m going to blame it on PMS, but I think it’s too early for even that.

I feel as though I’m being ostracized by some people because of ending things with the Smooshy. I suppose I can’t blame the folks involved, ‘cause at least one of them is his friend and roommate first, and an acquaintance of mine second, but at the same time… urgh. It’s frustrating, ‘cause while yes, I ended things, and yes, that makes me the bad guy, I did have my reasons for it. The Smooshy has more or less said on many occasions that he agreed with my reasons for ending things, and has acknowledged that we’re not happy together, but…

Breakups suck, and they can really only be understood by the people involved in them. I’ve tried to keep my relationship with the Smooshy out of my friendships with other people, my friends included, because I don’t think it’s fair to put innocent bystanders in the middle of a relationship. The UBFM did that to someone who used to be a friend of mine, a long time ago, and it ruined the friendship between that person and me. I did it to Jay, when I was dating ex-boyfriend J, and it was unfair of me, and I’ve decided not to do it since.

Granted, I do talk to one or two friends about my relationship situations, since everyone needs a confidante, but I don’t do it that often. And the people I confide in are actually quite open-minded and able to see both sides of the equation – they’re likely much more open-minded than I, even if I can see both sides of things more often than I’d like to. It makes debating difficult sometimes.

I guess I have some guilt and some paranoia going on… I tend to do a lot of self-flagellation and guilt-amassing whenever I end a relationship, probably because I feel it’s expected, or because I’m being a bad person, so I have to compensate somehow. I don’t make sense of it, I just go through it.

And yes, for those who want to cast stones, I started seeing someone after the Smooshy and I broke up. *gasp* *shock* *horror* I know. That wasn’t the reason for the breakup, it just worked out that way.

So yes, go ahead and judge me. I judge me for it sometimes, it’s true. But right now I’m not dating this person for a hearts-and-flowers-forever kind of relationship. It’s light, and it’s comfortable, and it’s just less complicated and difficult than things became with the Smooshy, and that’s what I need right now.

Mind you, it seems the Smooshy is recovering okay, as he's rejigged his profile, possibly put another up somewhere else, and has had a date already.

Of course, I have all kinds of interesting paranoia and weirdness going on around that, but it’s fairly self-inflicted, I think. Either that, or my radar is going off as it did in past relationships… but if that’s the case, I’ll be okay. A little disappointed, but I’ll be fine.

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