So the other night I was contemplating going back on the pill to keep or put my sex drive in check.

This may constitute a crime against humanity, I'm not sure.

All I know is, it's very frustrating being ready to go all the time, especially when you aren't getting laid as much as you might like.

And I know, the male readers of my site are currently playing me the tiniest violin, yelling at the monitor, throwing things, having no sympathy, telling me I understand maybe just a little bit how they feel, etc., etc.

Of course, I've also discovered that doing things like fantasizing rape scenarios (if you don't understand it, I'm not going to try to explain it) during long, boring meetings certainly makes them much more tolerable.

Damnit, I had something else I was going to write, but now I've forgotten what it was. I hate my brain sometimes, although I suspect it would like me more if I gave it more sleep on occasion.

I also hate javascript for now; the final assignment for the online course I was doing was a bit of a bitch. I ended up calling my dad for help; fortunately, my dad he is a computer geek.

Speaking of being a geek... *sigh* For the majority of my life, I bit my nails. More or less immediately after the Smooshy and I broke up, I stopped, and for the most part, I've been able to maintain that (let's ignore the two nails I bit off today). I'm still getting used to looking after them; half the time I just tear them off and then file them down. The rest of the time, I'm okay at the cutting and filing. The problem is finding some nice balance -- as it stands, it's tough to balance them being 'pretty' and them not being a royal pain in the butt when I'm trying to type, especially on the laptop.

Granted, that's not the best example of geekiness, but cut me some slack -- I'm exhausted and probably going to bed soon.

I feel sometimes as if there's not much point to my updating. I mean, it's nice to get my thoughts out for the 3-4 people who read this to see, and sometimes I write something that apparently people can relate to, but for the most part... urgh. Markuk has said he wants to see me with a byline somewhere, and that he doesn't feel my thesis will be sufficient (ass), but it's hard sometimes to feel motivated to write when I don't even know if I'm being read. Hell, I can barely get the motivation to work on my thesis most nights, and I know that's going to be read by at least 3-4 people on the graduate committee, if I ever make it to that point.

I just don't want to chance losing any creative abilities I might have to the governmentese that I have to spew out on occasion. I have such a hard time taking anything like that seriously, which can hinder me at work sometimes, I'm sure. I'm tempted to simply write a few paragraphs of a story and email it to Rune and have him contribute -- no purpose, no thought, just write and bounce back and forth, and see where it goes. Meghan and I did that in high school, and it was a lot of fun, and infamous amongst our group of friends. :)

Anyhow, I'm babbling and yawning, so I guess it's time to pack it in. I just want a vacation from my obligations so that I can invest time in my hobbies. The problem is I let myself get overwhelmed by things, or I bore of them, and then it becomes impossible to focus on any one thing. Let's face it, how many knitting projects do I have just sitting around right now? :P But that's because I need some help from my mom on finishing things again... either that, or find someone who likes sewing up knitting and let them at it. ;)


Carl said...

I read all of your posts so you can add a another tick to the tally. I found your blog years ago by way of Blogger's scrolling list of recently updated posts and I've been reading ever since, more or less.

There is one benefit that you overlooked or didn't consider important enough to mention and it is this: you sit down and put a bunch of words together. It may seem trivial but once you do so, you give yourself lots of opportunities to refine, rework or do whatever you want. Language is a dynamic art and you have to continue doing it.

I don't think you should adjust your hormonal balance just to mitigate your horniness. Suppression and repression are such fucked up conventions in this culture. Stike a blow for Freedom of Sexuality and remain horny! Viva la Libido!

Jen said...

Well, thank you of course, and I definitely appreciate knowing that what I write doesn't just disappear, even if it's not always the most enthralling stuff. The comments help, but I'd rather people said something because they wanted to discuss or debate what I've written, not just for the sake of being recognized -- blogs like that tend to bug me, which is probably one part of why I don't have a bigger presence on LJ.

As for the hormones part, I'm not sure I have a choice. Damn these girl parts of mine! :D

Carl said...

Since you seek more discussion...

It's interesting that you mention rape fantasies. I did some reading to research the topic of rape for an eventual story I want to write (I'll tell you more about it if you want). It became obvious to me that most of the modern thought about it is either incomplete or simply wrong. Almost everyone plays the same chord -- that it is merely violence done for a variety of reasons. But there seems to be more to it than that. Something that's very interesting is the standard male-violence-against-females line that everyone harps when discussing the topic completely ignores female fantasies of rape. Why do women fantasize about it? And what exactly occurs in their fantasies? If rape is pretty much just a male phenomenon, why is it embedded within women's minds?

I had been letting it all simmer on the back burner until recently when I chanced upon a girl who likes to be choked (lightly but firmly) and who enjoys porn that involves force and pain. I haven't discussed rape fantasies with her. Yet. She does to like to be bound and/or manhandled though.

I have this notion that there needs to be a Theory of Rape that incorporates a lot of things the standard view won't ever encompass. It would have a lot to do with sensual development of individuals, social stratification, self perception, sexual development and relative freedom, etc. I'm no sociologist though, so even if I did manage to one day break through the mysteries and piece together some understanding, no one would take me seriously.

Rape fantasies would be more interesting as a WB article than angst over boys, etc. Why not write a vivid acount of a fantasy?

Jen said...

Uh oh, have the WB articles been coming off as angst over boys? I try to keep that kind of annoying post over here. :)

I'd love to hear more about the story you're planning -- you have my email address, or you can continue discussions here in comments if you prefer.

I do believe that real rape is all about power and not at all about sex. Violence doesn't have to factor into it -- intimidation can be enough, depending on the people involved. But when it comes to rape as fantasy, well, I do have the bias of being a submissive-type who's into varying degrees of BDSM, so I'm already somewhat wired to enjoy it. :) But we'll see what comes out in a WB article... I do already have one on the go, but it hasn't been touched in awhile (no pun intended, which is only funny to me because I know the subject).

Jamie said...

You know, I think most of your male readers were more likely getting ready to volunteer to help you out.

Write first, be read second. If you want to be read, if you want a byline somewhere, you have to submit things. If you haven't been doing that, then I wag my finger at you -- and don't give me some line about not thinking you're good enough; let the editors decide that. There are a myriad websites listing markets, proper formatting, etc, and I can point you to them if you'd like.

Jen said...

I've submitted one or two articles to sites that are in line with what I write about; it hasn't panned out. Part of my problem has been finding ideas and carrying them through. Really, it's a life problem as much as anything. :)

But yes, if there are websites that you have, please do pass them along.

Jamie said...

Bearing in mind that my area of expertise is fiction, I would suggest starting at www.erotica-readers.com -- it has a market section, and I believe it has listings for both fiction and non-fiction. They're updated pretty regularly with anthology listings, website listing, magazine listings, and the like.