I guess if I expect to get more frequent hits, I should actually post something, no? ;)

I was thinking today that I've really closed down a lot of myself. A lot of myself. There's a girly side to me that likes to goof around with a boyfriend, that likes to be stupid and silly and cuddly and girly and weird... and I seem to have shut her away, because I don't know who I can trust to be like that around. The pizza guy is fun, and we joke around and we're smart together, but we're not really silly in that sense. We're goofy, but... well, if I was crying about something, I wouldn't turn to him. Like when I'm upset about Chloe being gone, I don't think of him as the one to call. He's as much as said that he doesn't deal well with crying women, so I try to avoid inflicting that part of myself on him. I mean, I'm sure I could go to him, but I just don't really think to, namely 'cause I have other people for that.

With the coworker, I don't really let myself out either. I can go to him if I'm upset about something, and he's not bad for that... sometimes he tells me things I don't want to or need to hear, but overall he's not bad. But again, I don't act all girly and stuff around him. I goof around with him, but not really the way I would with someone that was my boyfriend.

I guess the last person I had that with at all was the ex-, and I do miss that. I feel like if I found someone else and fell in love with them, I would trust enough to let that part out again. But I also wonder if I'm wrong to think that someone else can bring out the parts of me that I've locked down. Maybe I've read too many romance novels, or maybe society has gotten to me too much; I keep thinking all change has to come from within, and maybe that doesn't always have to be the case.

Maybe I don't have any answers, just questions. I think people can tell that to some extent I'm looking. I keep waffling on who I want to be with, and if I even want to be with anyone, 'cause yes, I know I don't have to be with anyone. :P I have some friends that have gone from one relationship to another and have no problem with it. Me, I feel like I need a break and yet I see the happy couples around me and I want to be part of one of them.

*sigh* It's too confusing and sucky. I'm just trying to avoid being spanked on my coursework and get that done and over with. I'd like to go back to Montreal, this time without being hobbled the second day so I can't and don't want to do much walking. ;) Maybe later in the summer, when the weather warms up, so I can roam in a skirt and just be comfortable and happy.

Still waiting on the jewelry for the new piercing. I'm not worried; he said a week to a week and a half, it's been about the week and a half mark now. My navel is rejecting, so I might see what he says about healing it and repiercing in the scar tissue, 'cause I think that would hold it in place. Otherwise, just take it out and say screw it. Also going to get my left helix done (the upper cartiledge in your ear), 'cause I think they're really pretty.

Had a nice chat with my (kinda not really) boss the other day about career prospects... I feel like he's perhaps looking out for me, which is pretty nice. It's a good feeling. :) He's offering me different avenues to consider, and encouraging me to shadow people at the station so that I can learn... he thinks I can learn everything I need to know from the people there, without doing extra schooling for it (which I'm planning on doing concurrently with my final year of my degree, so it's not adding any extra to my overall school time). I just figure that people who've gone through radio broadcasting will be looked at first by employers. I'm not exactly figuring I'll live out the rest of my life at the station I'm at now; at some point I'd like to live elsewhere in the country.

I had my yoga class, as I said. I got there late, so I felt really bad about that, but the class itself was kinda neat. You might not think it from looking and hearing about yoga: 'oh, it's all new agey and weird poses and stuff,' but it's actually a pretty good workout. I was straining at times, and I pulled some muscles, I think... but that's probably due mainly to me just being horribly out of shape. ;) Once the weather really warms up though, I'm going to do my best to get out biking and walking more. Maybe even take up running; there's a frightening prospect.

Ah well. I'm going to go spank some imps again and pack this in for now. Maybe I'll have more to say tomorrow. :)

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