I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish...

*sigh*

Yes, I typed all that out. No cutting and pasting -- that's reserved for ICQ conversations and emails that I post.

*sigh*

Impotent rage. Happiness. Humour. Joy. Laughter. Pensiveness. Overwhelming sadness. Helplessness. Futility.

That was about the course of my day today. That's about the course of my program, my life, my thoughts, my feelings.

I didn't include hope; it wasn't really part of today. It's usually in there, though.

The little things make me happy, and the little things make me sad.

I was asked today if I was dating someone or if I was 'between guys.' Doesn't there have to be the hope or promise of a future one to be between them? Admittedly, I'm sure there will be one further down the line -- who knows, maybe several -- but without one on the horizon, it doesn't seem like I'm between them. Or something.

There are things I will do differently next time, however. For sure.

Next time, I will not get physically involved too quickly. That has been my downfall in many a past relationship.

I will keep my shields up, at least until I am certain; perhaps after the first or second sexual encounter.

I will not reveal too much too soon.

I will perhaps camouflage the more outrageous aspects of my personality, my openness about all things and my willingness to discuss nearly everything under the sun from the get-go, unless the other person introduces the topics first.

I will keep my secrets to myself.

I will not allow them access to this website, so that I might retain the privacy of my head and be able to discuss all the nuances I want without worrying about them debating them with me later.

I will not give out obvious signals; at least not on the first date.

I will be upfront about baggage I am carrying and be cautious of any they have. I realize that baggage is an inevitable part of any person, and I do not begrudge anyone their baggage, as I hope they will not or do not begrudge me mine, but I will hope that they will be honest about theirs with me.

I will not date someone with whom I cannot communicate.

I will not date a coworker, unless I see them less than 50% of the time that I am at work.

I will be cautious of dating anyone older than I, especially beyond 3 or 4 years.

I will be wary of anyone who does not like or is allergic to cats; in the future, I hope to have my own place with cats in it, and if someone dislikes or is allergic to cats, that could very well limit any kind of future we have.

I refuse, point-blank, to date anyone who is cruel to animals. I will be extremely wary of dating anyone ambivalent to animals.

I will not date someone without ambition. If you are unhappy in your job, either put up and shut up, or do something about it. Do not whine and show yourself to be the cowardly little shit that you are because you refuse to do anything about your situation.

I will not date someone who tells me 'this is how I am; get used to it' when I say that something about them concerns me or my safety (such as their driving habits or inability to take accountability for their actions).

I will not date someone significantly less smart than myself. This is not meant as an ego kick of any kind; The Ex- was not very intelligent or mature, and it presented great problems in the relationship. Sometimes I think that is to blame for the coworker and myself.

I will not date someone significantly less mature than myself. I am very mature for my age most of the time, and cannot abide someone who is my age in years and a toddler in mentality or attitude on a regular basis.

I will be cautious about dating someone who does not read, or very little. I have had bad luck in that regard.

I will not date someone who doesn't take me, my concerns, my issues, my responsibilities, my work, my life, seriously. If I have a crisis or tragedy occur in my life, I will need the support of someone loving. If I have work issues or friendship problems or school problems, I want someone to listen to me. I don't necessarily need advice or a solution -- in fact, unless I ask for it in some way, I probably don't need it -- but I do need someone who will listen to me when I tell my problem. In general, when I vent, I feel much better. It's off my chest, and I may not want to talk about it ever again.

I want to be with someone who'll hold me when I cry. I don't do it very often, and sometimes I hide when I do it, but sometimes I just want to be held while I cry it out. It usually doesn't last very long; I'm not very good at crying.

Other terms are negotiable, but some interest in computers is good, as is interest in going out once in awhile, even if it's just to catch a movie or hang out with friends. I'm pretty low-maintenance.

Some of this will apply right off the bat to someone; other stuff will be for later, if the relationship progresses that far.

I'm also extremely clumsy; on my way to the meeting with my partner for audience research (which is so not turning out to be what I expected), I hooked my grad ring on the chain-link fence and did some nice damage to my ring finger. It's a little swollen now, but I can still get the ring off and on without any problem.

Met up with Ben today for lunch and such. Ended up sitting in the boardroom of my work, just chatting away. Nice chat. Conversation ranged from school and such to marriage and other friends and their relationships or how they act in relationships.

I'm tired of justifying other people's actions. I'm tired of making excuses for the people who are close to me. Mom called the ex- a dork, and said that if I hook back up with him again I'm being tossed from the family. It always amazes me that Mom keeps these opinions to herself until she's pretty sure I'm over the person involved. However, hooking back up with the ex- will not be a problem; I've learned that there are a lot of things that I no longer have to settle on, and I've moved on. That chapter of my life is definitely over.

I'm using this year to turn a lot of things around. Started school with a clean slate, so to speak, and so now I can make myself into the person I want to be. If that person is occasionally bitchy or stupid or whatever, then that's allowed.

I want to lie in a field in summer temperatures with friends and watch the stars as we talk about whatever comes to mind.

I want to sit in a pile of friends on the couch, all jumbled together, watching movies and being close, the way we used to be in high school.

I'm feeling nostalgic, or something along those lines; I started crying on the walk home tonight, and I'm near it whenever I think about it. All because I miss Chloe. Nothing really set me off, just missing Chloe.

I want a really good back rub.

I want my neck to stop hurting.

I want a new life. One that won't make me sick. One that won't make me crash my car, or make me feel three feet thick.

I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want.

*sigh*

I'm going to bed.

But for anyone that's read this far, some news. I beat my personal record last night. The bar has been raised to five. And yes, it's probably what you think, and y'know what? Good for me. Everyone does it, it's healthy, and I got no one else to do it for me now, so don't deny me my fun.

There, I ended on a positive note. Or at least an up one. Well, hopefully it made you laugh.

And thanks "everyone" for the support. It's appreciated, whoever you might actually be in real life.