Isolated realizations:

Some of my views of people that I know are coloured by the opinions of people or events from the past. I thought I didn't do that anymore, but it seems there are some people whose opinions I listen to more carefully; that which Katz and Lazarsfeld would call "opinion leaders." (If you don't know, don't ask; I'm being a loser). I thought maybe some people I knew were... making mistakes? ... but it doesn't seem that way. Suffice it to say that she's a really lucky woman to have someone who cares for her so much.

I won't say what I'm thinking.

Another realization: my head knows things rationally that my heart just refuses to accept, and it's fucking me up right now. I have no courage, but it looks like I was right to not do or say anything because it’s a hopeless situation anyhow.

It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter… none of it matters.

I want to do something seriously self-destructive right now. I want to go get something pierced or tattooed or get fucking pissed out of my tree or stoned out of my gourd.

I want what had been there, but isn’t anymore.

I want to run away to another city and not talk to anyone. Maybe, just maybe, then I can lose hope and stop thinking and feeling and getting my hopes up somehow and then feeling like shit once again when it all comes to be nothing, like it always is.

Why can’t something work out the way I want?

Why do I let go at the wrong times? And hold back on things that could be good?

Yet what I’m going through is tired and stupid and pathetic and useless. I mean, so I feel like shit. I still have a roof over my head, clothes on my body, money in my pocket (kinda), food on my plate… yet still I bitch.

I could so easily go back to where I was last summer and lie to everyone and just act the way I wanted and stress and worry… but I told myself I wouldn’t do that again. So what do I do? Do I go ahead and hurt someone knowingly? Do I try to convince people around to my point of view? Do I say sorry and disappoint someone? Is there anyway I can do anything without feeling guilty here?

It’s a situation of my own making and one that I’m almost not sure I want at times.

I … do I even want what I think I want?

That’s the question, isn’t it? Do I even want what I think I want?

Fuck.

I’m going to be starting up a hidden page. I realize announcing it defeats its purpose, but there are a few people I want to have reading it, and I have to write, and I can’t do that on this page, because too many people read it that would get hurt or upset. So, if you think you want to read the whole backstory and other crap that goes on in my head, email me and I’ll toss you the link if I want you reading it.

I want to stop falling, because it’s when I fall that I get hurt.

I want to adopt a destructive behaviour, so I can have some kind of release from the thinking. It’s the thinking that’s the problem. I think (hah!) I might be happier if I were dumber. That way, I wouldn’t have all these little so-called (invented) clues that I pick up on and turn into something. If I were dumb, people would have to explain everything to me, and I wouldn’t misconstrue anything.

I think I’m going to try to stop reading anything into anything anymore. I know of at least one person who’ll be happy by that; I’m guilty of over-analyzing everything, and I’m actually not doing that so much anymore. I’m getting better.

I think.

Fuck.