I got together with D, Jacob, Gord and Shawn Tuesday night (I guess that could be last night, seeing as how I'm up still on Wednesday writing this). We had some food and hanging out time at the restaurant we always hit (a mock English restaurant/bar), and ... I dunno. Everyone seemed out of sorts. When D and I showed up, Gord was on an Internet connection nearby, and without turning around, berated us for not commenting on his work clothes. Later, in the restaurant, when I filched a fry from Shawn's plate, he poured ketchup all over my hand. The conversation never seemed to flow or go as smoothly as it usually does -- it seemed as if more often than not when I started a story, someone talked over me or listened for the first part and then began their own completely unrelated story while I was still talking. It definitely left me feeling weird and not as jazzed as I usually would've been.

Today was pretty much a wash as far as getting anything progressive done. I slugged around the house for the better part of the morning, then got together with D a few hours before dinner. We went to WalMart and I finally picked up seasons 3 of Buffy and 1 of Angel, leaving me with just season 2 of Buffy to collect, for those of you playing our home game, as well as a Muppets CD that I happened to see (and don't own).

From there, we went to D's place and I watched him pack, thinking of how history seems to repeat itself -- for several years I watched every fall as the ex- packed up his things and drove to Toronto. Now I'm doing the same but different with D -- they're different people, different cities, and D and I aren't staying together when he goes... which means that for those of you keeping track at home, I have gone from 2 boys to no boys. S'okay, I'm going to be busy enough this fall as it is. But details on that come later.

Anyhow, I was feeling pretty melancholy today as I watched this, partly because I'm going to miss D when he's gone, but also because watching yet another person that I care about leave me behind just made me feel as if I haven't gotten anywhere in my life. I mean, here I am, 23 years old, and I'm only now moving out. I'm still working two part-time jobs (kinda three, if you want to be technical), and I have a degree. Whoop-de-shit, right? What do I have to show for my age and accomplishments? A mountain of debt, a dirty room, and a tiny apartment that'll shortly be mine, water damage in the ceiling and all.

Aside from when I was born, I've never lived in another city, I've barely travelled, I work retail and a dead-end job, and I have a string of failed or ended relationships behind me. *sigh* Sorry, just feeling rather mopey right now.

It's weird... I've had a few friends over the last year or two comment on how locked-down I keep my emotions. I didn't realize that I wasn't expressing them that much -- it always seemed as if anytime I did, I had someone desperately trying to reassure me or convince me that what I was feeling wasn't rational, wasn't right, or wasn't... whatever. Either that, or they were completely ignored and/or brushed aside -- hell, look through the archives on here to a day in January/February when I had a complete meltdown about one of my classes. Or read during the J breakup, or the ex- mess... I figure I'm usually an emotional wreck.

I don't know. My family's never been much of one for showing or dealing with emotions. Granted, when there's been major shit going down, then we kinda band together as a family, but for the most part... nah, that's not necessarily fair. My folks have been pretty good for me when I've had stuff going on, but we don't usually discuss it very openly -- it's just that if someone catches you crying, they either ignore it or ask about it. When the ex- and I broke up the first time around, my dad gave me a big hug and was a little extra-nice for me for awhile.

It's been awhile since I really cried about anything in particular. There was the situation with Mike, and that still has the ability to get me worked up, but before that... it'd been awhile.

I tend to act really stupid when my emotions are involved. Hell, look at the way I've been dealing with this 'breakup' with D -- my way of 'coping' with it has been to bug him about how he's going to be dating and getting action long before me... partly because I guess I want to hear him say that he's not going to get involved with anyone. I know that's not the case, and it may not even be the case for me (although I don't see that changing for awhile), but part of me still wants to hear it.

Of course, that's the kind of thing the ex- would say (not exactly, but similar situations) and he kinda led me along for quite some time and it was pretty painfully awful, so in the long run, I know this is best. Which doesn't make it suck less, but there it is.

*laugh* And according to Jay, I'll be hooked up before I get my jammies on tonight. That's a direct quote, my friends. :)

Ah well... I want to address the other boys situation, but I'm not sure the best way to discuss it, and I'm not sure that one of those boys would like to have it brought up, considering it's not been something that he discusses publicly.

Finally, I have both good and bad news. The good news is the Pit of Despair is no longer directly in front of my future abode, which will make moving in much simpler. The bad news is, I no longer have my very own Pit of Despair. This causes me grief and anguish, and some happiness, as well. :) That all said and done, who wants to help me move? ;)

Can it just be October already and I can have so much accomplished?

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