At this point, I just want to lie down and make all the yuck feelings go away. However, that will not happen.

I got to go out to WalMart today to return my sugar and creamer set that I bought. It turns out it was broken when I opened it, so I got a new one. I also returned the bathmats that I had bought, since purple doesn't really go with my peach/brown/wine red bathroom colour scheme.

It's funny; as much as I was going for the "poor student/eclectic" look in my apartment, my mom wasn't really letting me. Admittedly, my furniture is a mix of birch, maple, white and some random dark wood, we were still aiming for themes for awhile -- until it became too much and I just went for cheap in some instances. :)

I had to buy more cold medicine today as it turns out that my big bottle of pills is sitting at home, on my dresser. *sigh* Figures. :P I also get to bus back home at some point this week in order to give my CPU over to my dad so he can fix whatever crap-ass job I did of cobbling together my temporary OS. He said he may have to strip out and reinstall XP entirely, but I *really* hope that isn't the case. I should probably get rid of my newly-acquired gay porn before I bring this home. Not that he would snoop through my system, but... meh.

Urgh. I do not want to work tonight. I just want to sit on my couch in a stupor until I feel better. This week is another five days in a row or something stupid of double shifts. At least one of my jobs ends on Friday; the other one (the bookstore) I've been informed I'm not allowed to quit, and I've been booked for at least one more week there.

I've told a few people here and there what my plans are, and I was waiting until they were slightly more official to do so, but here they are: I'm going to be taking on a position as an IS-3 with Indian and Northern Affairs. I'll be working in a media/public relations position, and beyond that, I don't know much. It'll start off as 2 3-month contracts before it goes to competition, so once the people that I'm trying to contact actually start answering their phones and returning messages, I'll have more information to post here. Suffice it to say, I'm eager and such, but it also doesn't yet feel real, so it's hard to be too excited about it.

I had thought I'd be starting this next Monday -- September 15th or so -- but I'm not sure how quickly they'll manage to move on paperwork and whatnot. This means that staying on an extra week or so with the bookstore isn't a totally bad thing, and I may even stay on for two or three shifts a week after that. Who knows? I'll probably want to die after not too long, but if I don't have the energy when I'm young, when will I have it?

I rented a tape from the nearby porn store the other night. They don't rent out porn, just how-to videos, and this one was on sexy dancing. I was pretty disappointed with the tape; it would show a "class" of people stretching and swaying against one another while Nina Hartley (who wrote, starred and directed it) talked about how she can "feel" what they're doing or how much she wants to have sex with this girl or that guy. Then it would cut to a scene of one of the couples having some form of 'sexy dancing' -- be it one stripping for the other or the two dancing together -- and then they'd have sex, or as in one case, the girl gave the guy head. I found myself wanting to fast-forward through the sex parts to get to the instruction on dancing, which was kinda funny.

The situation with D and I is all up in the air. Glorg and Shawn were asking me about it last night, and I started trying to explain when the subject turned to other matters. I'm in a weird place of caring for him, but not being with him. We talk online or on the phone, and we say we miss each other and we'll see each other at Thanksgiving, but ... I dunno. I'm not used to feeling strongly about someone and not being with them, even if it's long distance -- I'm very spoiled in that regard. I guess some small part of me does hope that he has a or some relationships down there so he can 'enjoy the full college experience,' but the rest of me doesn't want that. As always, I carry some hope that things'll work out, although that hope'll be pretty close to dashed if he does date someone else, at least semi- or seriously.

I dunno. I don't think he'll go very long as a single guy, especially if he's trying not to be, or if he's trying to whore it up in the 'college way.' I know he's said that there are a few people it would bug him if I dated/slept with, but I wonder what it would be like for him if I dated someone that wasn't on that list. Would it bother/upset him? Or would he just be happy that I had moved on? I guess it's my usual scepticism/self-doubt about what people actually feel for me. It always seems to me that when I'm in a serious relationship with someone, where I'm in love with them or love them, that I feel it more strongly than they do. Part of me always thought that I loved the ex- more than he loved me, for example. I don't know if it was true or not, or if I just really doubt that anyone could love me the way that I might love them. I guess this is why I tend to shelter my emotions -- as pointed out to me by Ben, Glorg and Shawn, at least. I really don't know.

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