I've been sitting here with this window open all evening, trying to figure out what to write. For some reason, though I've been inspired by various things, nothing has really come to the fore.

The GLR and I were discussing potential new names for him the other night; he is quite upset that I thought that someone who had signed off as "Greek Literary Reference" was in fact him, and wants the name changed. A few options were suggested, but I've decided to go with the Pompous Ass -- and this is completely with his support and approval. That may occasionally get mixed up with Arrogant Bastard, but we'll see which sticks better.

I have a weird need sometimes to have know that people find me attractive. This often seems to manifest itself in unusual relationships with exes; on the one hand, it's nice having good relations with exes, but on the other, it can make for confusing post-break-up times. Or good ones, but no less confusing.

I also tend to torment myself. Whether it was reading an ex-'s blog, lj, old emails, msn messages, whatever after a breakup, or talking to friends and so on about it, I sometimes take on a whole guilt/self-flagellation thing when a relationship ends, regardless of who ends it.

I'm stuck in a weird cycle with the Pompous Ass (went to type Arrogant Bastard... I suspect that might be the one that sticks) now. We're back on fairly friendly terms lately, but the dynamics of our relationship have changed, and it's .. confusing me, for lack of a better explanation. But I'm also going through some hurt/anger/frustration that stems from the fact that he has a rather large circle of friends who did and do hate me as a result of how our relationship came about and the fact that it ended.

See, I understand completely that your friends are your support network -- hell, I have an amazing one, and I've abused it quite handily, though I do try to return the support whenever I think it might be needed. I don't really know what kind of a friend I'm considered, except by a few people who say it once in awhile. Yet another thing I worry about.

Anyhow, I know that the Pompous Ass' friends hate me -- hell, they hated me while we were dating. He certainly never shied from telling me, and it was fairly apparent from a few of them the one time I met them. It's a weird feeling, knowing that you're not accepted by people that are close to someone you're dating, and it's not an altogether pleasant one.

But he said that he cared about me, and that the important friends knew the necessary facts, and that they supported him, which is good. But... didn't always help my self-esteem any, which was already confused at the time for a bunch of reasons I won't go into, but the short version is that knowing someone idolizes you and is disappointed with the real you -- and doesn't completely hide it -- isn't always the best way to go through a relationship.

So why am I putting all of this up for dissection now? Because it's been on my mind a fair bit lately. Because I torment myself with this. Because I've been socializing once again with a few of my exes, and sometimes when you hang out with and have a lot of fun with them, or the attraction is still there, it can be difficult to remember why things ended, or why it's wise for them to remain over.

I had some sort of psychoanalytical thing about how I feel some sort of weird need to punish myself after a relationship ends, but I don't remember what I was going to say entirely. I know some people would advocate cutting all ties to exes, but not everyone I've dated has been a flaming asshole, especially in the last few years, and I don't always want to lose all ties to them. And not just because sometimes you need to spend time with someone who wants to fuck your brains out, even if you don't act on it.

I'm very tired of the dating cycle right now. It just doesn't seem worth it right now.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Listen you, don't take it personaly and stop taking a hit to your self esteem about it, yeah some of my friend don't like you, fine - we didn't have the greatest of times getting together and we didn't have the best of times when we were, and I'm sure there's a couple of your friends who aren't fans of me. Thing is it doesn't matter in the long run at all. Not everyone's going to like you no matter where you go. Point is *I* always liked you, and all the friends who sat down and realized the full situation knew never hated you and never will.
I'm sorry you feel this way, and I'm sorry that it continues to bother you, and I'm sorry I told you about it - but I've always been, and always will be honest.

The Pompous Ass