It's funny how writing something and posting it online can come back to bite you in the ass. Stupid me and my "why does it always have to be about sex?" whine.

Also, once again I have confirmed why it is that I don't always like to give people knowledge -- it means they can use it against me. Which means that telling someone they turn you on can be a source of ego/knowledge for them, and they can then use it against you -- and they can use it to strut around like a peacock. Grr.

I amuse myself in unusual ways. I finally took it upon myself to 'organize' all of the condoms floating about in my nighttable drawer. I took a green plastic box that a friend of mine gave me Christmas gifts in some years ago and emptied it out, then filled it with condoms and some individual packets of lube I had. I was actually disappointed with the fact that the box wasn't especially full. Granted, it's a large-ish box, but... Ah well, at least they're easily accessible now, and there's a variety!

Which reminds me, I apparently ... oh, no, I just moved them. Hah. I was wondering why I didn't have condoms in my usual pouch when I went looking for them earlier today. I forgot that I put them in a different pocket of my purse. Thinking out loud is fun!

*sigh* Why can't I get laid? Am I ugly? *pout*

Well, that conversation was just as easy as I thought it'd be. I ended things with C, the guy I started seeing after the Smooshy and I broke up. It was a very simple conversation, and I felt very relieved after I had it, but I also felt dumb for dreading it for so long. Ah well.

I've also had a series of frustrating and awkward conversations with someone else in my life. I think things are okay, but I'm concerned. I feel as though I've been here before, and it's not going to end well. How I feel about that is a bit surprising in a way -- the thought of things not ending well or of not working out upsets me a lot, and actually has brought me close to tears in discussing it, whether or not the other person realized it.

I managed to break my glasses yesterday and didn't go about getting them fixed, so I blame any typos on that.

I'm fucked for school.

If anyone needs to get a hold of me, I'll be over there kicking myself for the forseeable future.

That is all.

Right now, I want to slam someone up against a wall and wind up tearing up my bed, being crazy hardcore fucked. I don't know what the hell is going on, but it might be wiser if I stay in tonight, instead of socializing; who knows what might happen?!

Life would actually be *easier* if I could just date everyone all at once.

Why can't I? :(

Well, the epic post that's been almost three weeks in the making is finally up. Be warned: it's very personal. Those of you who've felt uncomfortable with past revelatory posts are going to feel very uncomfortable with this one (I'm assuming).

Anyhow, it's up at The Whore's Boudoir. Enjoy, and feel free to leave comments and/or debate, as always. :)

In lieu of a real update (it should be posted soon, I promise, though likely it'll show up at the WB), here are the results of my depression test:

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	Very Slight
Dysthymia:	Very Slight
Bipolar Disorder:	Slight
Cyclothymia:	Slight
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	Slight-Moderate
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

And some song lyrics that I keep hearing and somewhat like:

Hate me, Blue October

I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me so you can find me see whats good for you.

I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won't touch again.
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you.

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you
...for you...for you...for you

Cute beluga whale baby. It's smiling!

A partial post from some time ago. It's partial, so be kind:

This summer, I will be turning 26. As with any age, some people are going to find that really old, and others are going to find it really young. Other peoples’ perceptions aren’t really that important to me in this regard.

What is important to me is how I feel about this age. I feel both very young and very old. Helpful, isn’t it? I’ve bemoaned many a time about how I felt I’d be at point Q by this age, when in reality I seem to be at point C. I’ve more or less come to grips with most of that; after all, there are people younger than me who are married and may or may not have kids, and there are people older than me who are still living at home or who really hate life. Each person’s path is their own, and within a certain circle of my personal judgement, there isn’t much I can or will say about that.

However, what’s really struck me the last little while is that each of us only has one life to live – at least, only one life of which we’re aware (the rest is another posting for later). As much as I’ve been mocked for it, I have said at times that when I die, I’m not going to wish I’d spent more time cleaning. And for at least one person I know of who’s going to judge me for that one, I’ve seen how you live, and you’re no better than I – and in some ways, you’re worse.

Life is too short to waste time on pursuits that you really hate. That involves doing a job that you detest, hanging out with people who don’t benefit you in some way, shape or form, or pursuing activities that ultimately don’t enhance you.

That sounds selfish, I know. Maybe I’m part of a selfish generation, I don’t know. But what exactly do I gain from hanging out with people who bother me, offend me, upset me, or otherwise don’t interest me? Why do that when I can spend time with my friends, who support me, encourage me, make me laugh, make me feel special, make me feel respected and loved? How about the friends that have gotten me through difficult times, who’ve listened to me rant and roar over and over again, and have just been there for me when I needed them?

Benefit is a selfish and maybe misleading way of describing it, but that’s ultimately what it boils down to. Maybe it sounds cold or whatnot, and maybe people think I’m not a good person for judging my friends or evaluating them in this manner, but I think it’s what a lot of us do – I’m just more willing than some to admit it.

Hell, I have heard and even used the term ‘cull the herd’ to refer to friends before. I’m obviously not unique in either this benefit theory, or the belief – that some people simply don’t seem to benefit the greater sum.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Moderate
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

Why is it that when I'm wearing scents I like, like my perfume or body wash, I can't smell them even immediately after I put them on, but when I'm wearing a deodorant I don't like, it's all I can smell?

To buy:
Laundry detergent
Deodorant
White garbage bags
Pop
Toothbrush
Shaving cream
(Razor blades would've gone here, but someone bought them for me. Nice!)

To do:
Give OFK Pirates
Give prof Buffy season 1
Get paperwork from uni
READ LIKE A MOFO

That's what I remember for now. There'll be more to come.

Had the second awkward conversation. I think the gist of things got across; how it goes from here remains to be seen. Oddly enough, not sure how I feel about it as a conclusion. But at least things should carry on for awhile, which I feel very happy about.

Well, I was very pleased tonight to hear that I'm not the only one who suffers from lusty feelings towards exes. Granted, mine isn't as recent, but... damn.

Awhile ago, some friends and I were sitting around and talking relationships and marriage. One of the theories that had come up was that, in relationships that fail, or marriages that end in divorce, often the fault lies directly with one of the people involved. My friend believes that some people simply would not be happy with anyone – that somep eople simply aren’t marriage material.

I got a bit depressed, wondering if I might fit that description, and when I shared the pertinent parts of the story with another friend, he thought the exact same thing about himself.

So I wonder – am I not the marrying type, or have I just not met the right person yet? Is there one or two ‘perfect’ people for us?

On a related side-note, in a recent conversation with the Newf, he mentioned that the last few years of dating, one of the considerations he’s made in girls he dates is the question of whether or not she’s marriage material, and how that was a weird transition to make. I mentioned finding it weird when I started looking for a ring on the hand of the guys I check out. Though I didn’t specifically mention it, marriage-material is definitely one of the considerations in long-term prospects. Growing up sucks.

Studies have shown that the number one thing that brings people together is proximity. We’re much more likely to find someone we consider a great match in or near our own city, rather than anywhere else.

This makes sense, because after all, even with the Internet, it’s hard – though not impossible – to make a long distance romance work.

Of course, I might have the phrasing on that wrong – it might’ve been the biggest attraction/draw. It’s been awhile since it was told to me.

Anyhow – I’ve known couples who’ve made it through LDRs successfully, and I’ve known others (and been one) who haven’t (hasn’t). I don’t really have anything new to say on the subject.

Back to the original discussion: What makes someone marriage material? Is it simply a willingness to adapt and compromise with someone else? Is it the ability to let go of the little things and only fight over the major issues? Is it always standing by and supporting your partner? Is it something else?

Is it a trait that my friend and I are lacking? Or does this just sound like a pity post?

I sincerely doubt that my friend meant for his comment to apply to me, and I’m sure the thought wouldn’t have even crossed anyone else’s mind, but… is there some fundamental train in me that makes me incapable of being satisfied with any one person?

I explained – very briefly, no more than a sentence or two – one of the main reasons for me to have ended things with the Smooshy. Oddly enough, my voice was breaking as I did so – though I sincerely doubt anyone but me noticed. It felt as though my comment was glossed over, too, but in some ways, it was that kind of a conversational evening – we all had a lot to say, and there weren’t any breaks in the conversation.

No answers – only questions.

I am somewhat looking forward to having a baby or twelve and getting to raise them as I see fit. But I don’t feel as though I would be any less of a person if I never did. Nothing against those who choose to procreate, but, well – any idiot can make a baby. It takes a good person or pair of people to be good parents. I know a handful of people who will be, though, so I’m not concerned about them.

I was saying to a few people that afternoon that I figure if there are to be wee ones in my future, that I’ll probably be single-parenting them. No one rebuffed that, so the (huge) insecure part of me wonders if they see the same unmarriageable part of me.

But despite all of this self-pity, I don’t believe that I’m unlovable, or unlikely to be married forever, or… I fear it, though. It’s not that I’m afraid to be alone – I love living by myself, and I love having a schedule untied to anyone else’s, but at the same time, I don’t want to be single forever.

I think I’m fairly lucky. Very recently, my life has taken some interesting turns that have brought some pretty awesome people into it. I’m also constantly reminded about how great my friends are, and how sometimes just how far a small amount of support can go. I don’t need someone to fawn all over me and tell me how wonderful I am all the time; sometimes a simple, “Stop doing this to yourself. You don’t deserve it,” is all that’s needed.

Maybe it’s due to going off the pill, maybe it’s due to the people around me, I don’t know, but for once in my life, I feel genuinely desired from many sides. My self-esteem feels good, and although there are still changes I’d love to make to my physique, I don’t feel as though I have to make them or no one will ever find me desirable. On the contrary, I’m lucky enough right now to have several people around telling me just how desirable I am. And of those, the ones who are able want to be with me for me – they want relationships with me, not just to see me naked once or twice. It’s a very affirming feeling.

It's fun how I can complicate my life in just a few small steps.

I think if I wanted to, I could be back in a Smooshy-type relationship very quickly. Well, it's not fair to call it Smooshy-like, but it definitely has elements of that that make me a bit nervous.

But at least he has a bit of accent, which is pretty hot.

Also, guys who sing... *so* hot.

Oh, who am I kidding? Right now I think almost everyone around me is hot. Time again for curiousity-answering smoochies for everyone!

Good lord, libido, rein it in a little! It's one thing to spend the day horny, but seriously now -- not everyone around you is for the kissings!

Although I did seem to get some eyeing at the gym, which is a new experience. Maybe they were just marvelling at my wearing a purple tank top with red hair.

The question that'll likely never get answered:

Do you really mean it, or did you just say it because you suspect or know that I read?

Pretty kinky! Grats! You're 77% kinky!

You kinkscore is pretty high. Most likely you're up for trying anything at least once, which show open-mindedness. You're probably a great lay, so just keep doing that thing you do!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 85% on kinkpoints

Link: The Kinkyness Test written by nilnisicruce on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Dear Libido,

You win. I surrender. I give up. I can't figure out what you want anymore.

Apparently lately all it takes to pique your interest is someone paying a bit of attention to the person in which you're housed; you've gone from lusting after essentially no one to one, two, three, four people? Maybe more? I'm not sure I know what to do with you.

Maybe you just need to get laid.

Let's see, a few thoughts from tonight:

"Careful, there are nipples in there!"

Pulling hair is fun.

"I've just never had so many married men interested in me!"

I feel self-conscious when the attention is focused on me. Must work on this.

Turtlenecks up to my chin for days.

People like when you make noise. Must work on this, too.

I need to figure out my sexuality or its quirks and oddities. Work on being more comfortable with myself, for sure.

Why is it acceptable for guys to be quiet in the bedroom, but it's such a major disappointment when girls are?

Need to work on finding someone kinky.

Need to figure out what to make at the next leatherworking night -- or at least, how to put my thoughts into a real piece (waist restraints, with possible separate piece for attaching to collar, in case I forget).

It's good to learn other peoples' boundaries, or lack thereof. It's also good to learn the boundaries or lack thereof of the spouses.

Moment of weakness: I miss the Smooshy.

Moment of strength: I think I'm regaining some male attention, which is nice. Not sure what's going on with one of those males, but... stop overthinking and overplanning everything.

Hahaha. As if that's possible.

Kissing is good (I miss you, too). Especially (in some ways) when it's in the dark, on the rain-soaked street at odd hours of the morning.

Does this make sense to anyone but me?

I'm horny, and going to bed. Alone. Oh well.

P.S. I haven't had a drop of booze to drink in several days. I'm just that tired and/or bemused by the evening.