Trying to keep track of all my work...

APRIL	What?	Done?
The 2nd	Register for fall/winter semester
The 8th	Qualitative Methods presentations (group)
The 9th	Culture jamming project due (advertising)
The 11th	Group dynamics presentation
The 11th	Final reflection paper due (last day)
The 11th	Negotiation assignment due
The 15th	Qualitative Methods presentations (group)
The 16th	Media Industries due before noon (20-25 pages) (in threes)
The 22th	Ad techniques midterm due (take-home)
The 25th	Group dynamics paper due (10-12 pages) (group)
The 26th	Negotiation take-home due (take-home)

*sigh* I need to take time off to do all these assignments, and yet... no time to actually do them. So stupid. On the 2nd I may go to class, leave at 9, then go register at the computer lab (instead of at my damn department!), and then go back to class. Very stupid.

I want to go home. I feel restless and bored and stressed and all sorts of things. I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to do for my culture jamming project, when I'm going to get everything else done and written... and blah. One of the security guards that used to work here called me up this afternoon, so he and I are going to go have dinner on Wednesday. Was very unexpected, but kinda cool. :)

I wish my papers weren't group papers; I don't have the brainpower/creativity to come up with 7 pages of balogna here and there, and I don't like waiting for other people. There's a girl in one of my groups whose English and writing skills just isn't that up to par, so I'm sure I'm going to have to edit her part I think. I don't want to. :(

I'm doing the powerpoint slides for two different groups, too... that's work there. It's not overly tough, but it does take time. Luckily all the papers that I'm presenting (generally) aren't due the same day of the presentation.

Okay, so I don't really have anything to say right now; I'm too restless to really write, and since I have to (kinda) listen to this program, then I can't really read either. Can't concentrate! Argh!

I hate when people make jokes that imply that I'm promiscuous. It's something that's bothered me ever since I was young.

For the most part, I've outgrown it... but I was telling the coworker a story about a party I was at once... it was pizza guy's party, and I was drunk (the drunkest I'd been at that point). I met a friend of pizza guy's, and pizza guy had told me a bunch of times that apparently this guy had a big cock (it seems that a bunch of the friend's exes kept telling pizza guy this, without knowing that pizza guy was a friend of his). Okay, fine. So, I'm kinda drunk, I meet this guy, and I say hi to him by saying something along the lines of, 'Hey, nice to meet you. I hear you have a big cock!'

I think it kinda floored him for a second, but he recovered, and said something modest like, 'Yeah, that's what I've been told.' I've since seen the guy a bunch of times, and he's fun. None of pizza guy's close friends are particularly uptight, and from what he'd said of this guy, he could handle the comment. Fine, so maybe I shouldn't have said it, but I was drunk. Sue me. If I'd thought (or been told) that he was offended, I would have gone and apologized, no problem at all.

So I tell coworker this story, and he says, "well, I'm sure you got to see it eventually." WTF? I'd go and check the holdings of the friend of someone I was sleeping with? Yes, I've done a lot of bad things, but I'm trying to fix them, and I'd certainly not do something like that unless I had express permission from the guy I'd been with; you don't do things with your exes friends. That's one of the rules. I'd also not be checking out someone's package like that; not at a party, not unless I was going to be getting that guy off or sleeping with him. That's just not something I do.

Then coworker starts going on about how I talk about sex, like 90% of the time, and how sometimes it's inappropriate... but he won't tell me about any times I've discussed sex when it was inappropriate, except for saying that telling some guy that you've heard he has a big cock is inappropriate. *sigh* Right. So I told him that he probably just wasn't used to being around a girl that could discuss sex maturely and actually have interesting points to make. I'm *ever* so sorry that I am educated about sex. Would it be somehow better if I were one of these chicks that thought that douching with Coke would keep you from getting pregnant?!?

Fuck. I'm so sick of people who can't deal with a girl who can discuss sex intelligently and maturely. I'm so sick of not being taken seriously because I'm young and female and look innocent. I'm so sick of being considered a promiscuous person because I am willing to experiment, enjoy variety, and can talk and joke about sex!

I'm also sick of people more or less saying that if I were in love with the person that I was sleeping with, I wouldn't need to experiment. Fuck that! Don't try to tell me that your sex life is better than mine because you and your girlfriend or boyfriend don't like to tie each other up or use toys or something. You can fucking be in love with someone and still use a blindfold or roleplay or use a vibrator. Just 'cause I've done that doesn't mean that I've never been in love with the person I'm having sex with. Your sex life is not more satisfying than mine because you're content to get ridden or fuck missionary style, maybe with some puppy style thrown in for
those 'special, experimental' nights.

I'm also sick of being considered deviant or weird or abnormal because I do like to experiment and try other things. Just because to me puppy style isn't being risky and non-vanilla doesn't mean that I consider myself better than you because your sex life is tamer than mine. What works for you, works for you. Don't knock what works for me.

I'm not into water sports or scat play, but I try to avoid judging the people that are. If it works for them and they enjoy it, then great. Just don't be upset with me if I turn you down if you ask me to join in. The same way that pizza guy and his friends were about when I turned down smoking up with them; they don't care one way or the other if I do or don't, and there was no pressure to join in. That attitude was incredibly appreciated on my part.

Sorry, got a few rants stored up. I think I'm done. Although the down arrow on this keyboard sticks and that annoys me, but not enough that I'm going to rant about it. :)

*sigh* Sometimes it feels like my decision is being made for me. I think I've lost interest/enjoyment in sex, so that solves all kinds of problems!

Chatted with Di for a bit last night; her vote was to email H. I think I will.. just don't want it to seem aggressive, and I think it would be a touch easier to iron out the situation with pizza guy first, since his roommate/H's R hates me, and it would be easier to see her if he didn't. Pizza guy doesn't, but he does.

Can I just run away? Argh. Gotta get ready for the long day (*sigh*)... got invited to go to Montreal tonight, but I can't really skip my class to do it, although I'd dearly love to... gotta keep my deadlines in mind so that I don't keep forgetting about any of them.

It's an unfair stereotype, and I probably shouldn't be subscribing to it, but... I just sometimes have a hard time believing that guys feel the same way that girls do. I buy into the whole stupid socialization of men, that they're big and tough and strong and manly, and they don't cry... even though I've held four different guys in the last year as they cried.

I've lain in my bed and cried myself nearly ill, unable to get a whole night's sleep because of a guy. I woke up the next morning with eyes swollen to hell... and I have felt this tearing pain as if nothing will ever feel right again. I've broken down, sobbing, because of a guy (and because of a cat), and I just can't imagine a guy feeling the same way. I've been told by guys that they love me, and I guess I just don't imagine them caring the same way that I care. Maybe I just see myself as unloveable, I don't know.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying guys can't feel the same way, or lay crying in their beds because their girlfriends broke up with them or something, but... it just feels different, as unfair as that may or may not be.

SelectSmart.com Selectors # 1http://aintitdeadyet.com/licorice.html
# 2http://aintitdeadyet.com/sour.html
# 3http://aintitdeadyet.com/poprocks.html
# 4http://aintitdeadyet.com/fundip.html
# 5http://aintitdeadyet.com/rock.html
# 6http://aintitdeadyet.com/m&m.html
# 7http://aintitdeadyet.com/milky.html

And just for the record, that last post is from today, and right now: 3/27/02: 7:04 a.m.

Oops, didn't mean to post that here. Ignore that post... it's supposed to be on unCultured.com.

I need to do updates, but I just haven't felt like writing much over the last little while. I completely avoided my 8:30 class on Tuesday morning; didn't feel like getting up, didn't feel that I needed to be there. Normally I'd get up at 6:30 for it, and leave the house at 7:30... I woke up at 11:30 when my mom called. :) I'm sure that going to bed at 2 didn't help, but I likely could have woken up if I had tried.

Been having arguments/disagreements (not strong enoughto call fights) with the boys: the ex- and the coworker. I went and saw the pizza guy last Wednesday and hung out with him for a bit. Coworker is telling me he wants a defined relationship, because he does't like that we can both just drop each other at a moment's notice with our current arrangement. I'm wondering about telling him that I want some time before I do devote myself to that kind of relationship. I don't know.

The ex- is being kinda frustrating. He's telling me that he misses me and thinks about sleeping with me and blah blah blah... and then is staying with his girlfriend. I told him he keeps headfucking me and it's really pissing me off and I don't want it anymore. He was getting upset with me because last night I didn't have a lot to say to him, and I told him it's 'cause our conversations keep following the same pattern, which is true. I'll log on, and it's like this:
Him: allloooo?
Me: Lo
Him: how goes?
Me: Bleh... (blah blah blah).

Okay, so that's a really crummy way of showing how the conversations follow the same pattern, but those first four lines are predictable as hell. Then it's usually him asking me how school is, how work is, what I'm up to... *sigh* I mean, c'mon. I've known this guy on and off for about 8 years. We've dated on and off for about 4 years of that. Can't we have a better conversation than that?

And I keep winding up taking digs at him for his girlfriend, or he gets upset with me because of the coworker, or because I won't tell him back that I want to sleep with him, or I wind up boosting his ego because he thinks he's ugly, or no one will sleep with him or whatever... why the fuck am I the one that has to boost his ego? Can't he go to his Toronto friends or his girlfriend or something? Doesn't he understand how much of a headfuck it is for me to be the one to do this?!

Boys are stupid. :P

And the other guy at work seemed like he was reinstating his proposition the other day. I mean, I like the guy and all, I'm flattered that he still wants to sleep with me, but what about the people who are my age that might want to date me? Or am I some psycho, unattractive, boring, smelly hosebeast or something and no one will tell me? Gee, I'm really honoured that you want to sleep with me, but y'know what? You've found someone else to sleep with and I know the main reason you're asking me again is 'cause she appears to want more from you than just a casual fuck now and then... and quite frankly, I'm difficult to get off and I don't know if you're up to the task.

Fuck.

Maybe I'll just bloody well tell everyone to piss off. Or maybe I'll do something or another to completely kill off my libido and eliminate this problem. :)

Anyhow, I gotta dig out my clarinet and get ready to head off to school. Going to a senior's home to play clarinet and hang with them for a few hours this afternoon for one of my classes. Hopefully the time will pass quickly; other than my grandparents, I tend to have very little exposure to senior's, and these poor ones are Alzheimer's patients. I hope it's going to be okay. I definitely won't be able to spend 3 hours playing, especially as I'm terribly out of practice. I hope I don't sound terrible!

I'm really tired. I was out too late last night, but it was a pretty fun time. On the way to work, I was composing this whole thing about how invisible I am, but I don't really feel like writing it up now. I feel more conversational than expressive in my writing, so I'll just do a description of last night.

Went to Grace O'Malley's with two guys from work (including the coworker) and the coworker's roommate (one of them, the other that I know better didn't feel like going out).

(Hang on, going to edit this later)

March re-redux.

March	What?	Done?
The 6th	E-journal submission (to group)	YES!
The 7th	Group Dynamics paper due (solo)	YES!
The 13th	E-journal submission (to group)	YES!
The 20th	E-journal due (submit to professor)	YES!
The 28th - April 11th	Group Dynamics paper due (solo)
The 11th of April	Negotiation due (2-3 pages)

Okay, going to bed now, but a few reminder notes to myself for my content for tomorrow:

* Write about delish boys (men *rowr*) on stage at Grace O'Malley's last night.
* Write about stupid libido (part of the original content that I cleared out).
* Update March (doing now)
* Sleep (okay, not a post)
* Write about my poor up and down moods while at Grace's.

Fuck! I hate when I do that. I hit escape in this field and it clears out all the damn stuff I wrote. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

People keep calling me about the weather today. I guess I shouldn't be too down on them, 'cause it is important, and I don't really know the weather conditions, 'cause I'm stuck here in my ivory tower, but at the same time, I don't really care. :)

I heard a spot on the air last spot set that had my voice in it -- that was pretty cool. I usually get used for spec spots, mainly 'cause I'm green and don't have a great read/can't act. I'm working on it, though! :)

More gossip going on about the work situation... got a bit of info I'm waiting to learn, but everytime I go, the girl I need to talk to is busy everytime I go. :) I'm going back to try again, I'll continue this when I get back.

I love books.

I love the weight of them in my hand. The look of the brand new covers. The smell of them, depending on the bindings and pages. I love being at the beginning of a book, reading something I've never read before and being hooked.

I love rereading good books, even if I know what they're going to say. I love rereading books that make me laugh out loud.

I love being in the middle of a book, and trying to guess how it might end. I love finishing a book; the combined sense of loss and accomplishment that I get, particularly when it was a good book.

I love having phrases and lines stuck in my head, making me laugh or think. I love being so absorbed in a book that I don't hear the things going on around me. I love being so absorbed in a book that I lose track of myself and I'm so immersed in the fantasy world that the author has created that I continue thinking about them even when I've put down the book.

Conversely, I hate people. I hate the guy that crashed into me at Rideau the other day, and turned around to see me give him a really dirty look. I hate the people that walk slowly in front of me when I'm in a hurry to go somewhere, and move in my way everytime I'm trying to move around them. I hate the people that take forever in the lineups ahead of me, but only when I'm feeling impatient. I hate the people that overlook me when I need to talk to them, or ignore me when I'm speaking.

I do like individuals. I like my friends, I like the people I get to know; I just hate crowds of people. I hate having people jostle me or run into me. Crowds are stupid; individuals are nice. :)

Not enough people are updating their sites! That's why I like reading Di's site -- she updates a lot. It's great. :)

Ah well... went over and chatted with the pizza guy for awhile yesterday. It was pretty relaxed and nice... I was nervous and feeling a bit awkward, but it was all good. At the end I gave him a hug and he held me tight and it was good. He was telling me that my female friend, who I will call H, was saying the other day (or her boyfriend was) that she never hears from me anymore. WTF?!?!!? She fazed me out to become part of the H-R entity, and she doesn't hear from *me* anymore? Pizza guy said he didn't say a word, just kept his mouth shut. He and I have had multiple discussions on the subject. I asked him if it would be out of line for me to fire off an email to her saying, "Hey, did you phase me out because of the H-R entity, or, because you were mad at me? (and I don't think it's the latter)"... he said it would be blunt and maybe a bit aggressive, but not necessarily out of line. Maybe I will Marge, maybe I will.

Then last night, I had a dream that I was going to move in with her. Weird, weird, weird.

Got a bunch of other things to write about, like the weekend with the ex-, and anything else that might be going on in my life (oh wait, nothing), but I'm running behind this morning, so I gotta move. Trying to decide between getting together with people from work tonight for one guy's birthday, or go out to far from my house (although not so far from downtown) to meet with some other friends about the trip to London in the summer. *sigh* Money! I need lots of it. :( I'll likely go out to the meeting... it'll be fun. :)

Anyhow, more later... just haven't been in the mood to write lately. Maybe I'll start writing blogs in class. :)

Did I miss an invite somewhere?

Okay, I know I've posted on this before, but here we go again.

Did I miss an instruction book or something somewhere? My cousin, who is a whole month and a half older than I am, is getting married next summer. My eldest cousin, who is somewhere around 27 or so, hasn't gotten engaged yet. Her sister, the next in line for age, isn't engaged. But my 21-year old cousin is!?

I know so many people around or at my age, who are engaged, married, or somewhere around there. My mother, who in the past has said she and my father would have serious reservations about me *living* with a guy, has said that if I was dating someone for awhile and said I was getting married, she wouldn't be against it. Uh huh. My most current ex-boyfriend (the ex-, for those of you who follow the trials and tribulations of my website) and I have dated off and on for about 5 years... and she says that she wouldn't consider him. She said that if he and I were serious about each other, we wouldn't be seeing other people.

That's funny, considering she broke up with my dad. As well, I didn't exactly want to go from 8 years of relationships (with him and another guy) into deciding at 18 or 19 that I was going to go from dating to getting engaged and married just like that. I want to live a little, live on my own, date other people... does that make me a bad person? Did I miss out on something somewhere?

*sigh* People are funny. Life is strange. I want my own apartment, and a job. I feel like I'm running behind everyone and not even close to catching up.

I know, I know, I'm overdue for an update... but I have to stop procrastinating for a bit. Argh. Interesting developments in a few fields, weird feelings, updates on the weekend with the ex-, and how that went... but later.

Oh, and apparently misread another situation, but in a good way. /me is happyish.

There are a lot of secrets you can hide in the dark.

My D&D stats:

Str: 3
Int: 13
Wis: 15
Dex: 10
Con: 6
Chr: 16