Oh my God, I should've seen this sooner.

Okay, a chronology, if you will.

First, there were Badgers.

After which, they broke into movies.

Then, the badgers turned evil.

Now, they love sports. The best part is that the score goes up if you keep watching.

We have a title...

Harry Potter book six is going to be called "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince." J.K. Rowling has said that the Half Blood prince is neither Harry nor Lord Voldemort.

I live to enlighten.

In other news, I do have the new apartment as of August 1st, I just have to fill out the paperwork this afternoon (have to do it from my yahoo account, which I don't have access to here), and send that in. Anyone who's around the last weekend of July (the 31st and August 1st, the Sunday) is welcome to join me in moving fun. ;)

Also, once I move into this place, I plan on having movie screenings; I have a great deal of MSTs that need going through, for example, and for a change I'll have the space to accomodate everyone. Wahoo. :) You just have to be able to tolerate my kitten, which shouldn't be a big deal. She's a sweetie, really. ;)

Everyone hope for me that my landlord finds someone to take over the lease for August 1st on this place -- that way I'm not out $625. If I am, well, I am. I'd just prefer not to be. :)

*grin* Every now and then, I read my horoscope. Well, since I was born on the cusp, I read two of them, but more strongly identify to Virgo, which is usually listed as my sign. Anyhow, here was today's horoscope:

"Let everyone know how you feel and what you think. your solid ideas and strong convictions will encourage others to join in."

Translated: DO AS I SAY, MY MINIONS!

I feel powerful now. If only I didn't want to curl up and go back to sleep.

Why I love my kitten:

This morning, I was doing the media monitoring, so I had to be at work for 6:30, meaning a 5:00 a.m. wake up.

Thena decided that 5:00 a.m. wouldn't work for her, so she woke me up around 20 to 5 for a cuddle. I gave her a bit of one, then dozed until my alarm went off, whereby she settled in for her serious cuddle -- a good fifteen minutes.

I did my computer routine, then it was off to the shower. Apparently I spent too long in there, for as soon as I pulled the curtain aside, Thena leapt into my arms. I saw it coming and took a step back so that I caught her, rather than have her land on my back. She wound up somewhat soggy, but had fun licking some of the water off of me, as she'll often do after a shower. Having a kitten lick your shins or toes is tickly.

I head off to work, then shortly after lunch come back home to change and head out to a former coworker's wife's funeral (did you follow that?). About the only appropriate formal wear I had was a long black skirt with a long slit up the middle, so I decided to give my legs a quick shave. I stripped down to underwear and a bra, and sat on the edge of the tub, shaving.

Thena then leapt from the toilet to my back (not that far a leap, trust me; you can practically shower and pee -- sitting down -- at the same time in my bathroom) and perched on my shoulders. She amused herself by snapping my bra, while she sat on my back and I shaved my legs. Oh, she's a special one, indeed.

I came home from the funeral and decided to treat myself to gelatto. I haven't had real ice cream in probably close to a year, and I rarely have any frozen treats, what with trying to avoid hardcore dairy and so on. I came home, got a big glass of water, and sat at my computer consuming both. Thena was fascinated by the gelatto, but more so by the water glass, as is her way. Normally she likes to tip them over, mainly 'cause she can't tell how much water is in them, or it's not high enough for her to drink from. Today, she just stuck her head in the glass and started drinking away. She even managed to do it without getting water up her nose and snorting it back out again. Props to you, Thena.

And let's not forget her moment of brilliance from a moment ago -- while I sat, typing this up, she was busy playing with her mouse on my bed. Well, my bed is a bit far out from the wall (my attempt to keep the frost from rotting the mattress and so on), and so she slid down between the wall and the bed. DIdn't faze her a bit, of course. She's tough.

Oh yeah, and she's been biting again. Let's not forget the evil, oh no. That hasn't changed.

*rofl* Oh Dan Savage, I love you so:

"...colostomy bags are equal-opportunity waste elimination devices..."

and

"But when you encounter someone whose entire argument against gay civil equality revolves around an irrational fear of anal sex, well, it's just not worth the time and effort. (What's your uncle got against lesbians? Tooth decay?)"

It amazes me the search things people will use... and that turn up this site:

Last 20 Searchengine Queries Unique Visitors

19 Jun, Sat, 05:20:11 MSN Search: ways a boss would flirt with you
19 Jun, Sat, 11:11:34 Google: speeches to taost the bride and groom
19 Jun, Sat, 19:05:35 Yahoo: child porn kitty fuck
19 Jun, Sat, 20:04:48 Yahoo: kitty litterbox beginning train
19 Jun, Sat, 20:55:27 Google: "james marsters" testicles
21 Jun, Mon, 03:13:42 Google: boudoir party
21 Jun, Mon, 22:35:13 MSN Search: repiercing your navel
21 Jun, Mon, 23:57:08 Google: ottawa lesbian jen m
22 Jun, Tue, 11:18:33 Google: "one of the boys" +lyrics +"debbie reynolds"
22 Jun, Tue, 11:57:03 Google: home stare runner.com
22 Jun, Tue, 17:09:52 Google: furby CAA
22 Jun, Tue, 18:33:02 MSN Search: "The Post-it Always Sticks Twice" quotes
22 Jun, Tue, 18:58:15 MSN Search: vibrators paypal accepted
22 Jun, Tue, 19:50:03 Google: "generation slut"
23 Jun, Wed, 03:06:04 Google: Eiram
23 Jun, Wed, 03:18:56 Google: thomas jefferson napped refreshed sleep
23 Jun, Wed, 06:14:16 Google: "fat pizza" "dutch subtitles" "download"
23 Jun, Wed, 08:23:26 Google: d12 purple pills explanation
23 Jun, Wed, 12:11:54 Yahoo: repiercing a navel with scar tissue

Trying to jump on the bandwagon:

If you don't love this site, then the terrorists have already won!

First, something I found by renefrost:

if you love him more when he's away than when he is with you, it's not love -- it's lonliness.

if you love him more when he is with you than when he is away, it's not love -- it's lust.

if you are a better person (more capable, more at peace, better at your job, better at dealing with your family and friends, better at driving) and like yourself more since you've been in this relationship, it's love.

Later, update.

Here, enjoy kittens on motorbikes. I will do a real update eventually, I am certain.

For those of you keeping track, I have running today, and it looks unpleasant out. I'm not looking forward to going out for a run in it. :P

If you've ever been to The Institution, then go to this site:

http://www.baldapalooza.com/baldapalooza/baldapalooza.html

Ken Godmere has contracted Creutzfeldt-Jacob Disease, and it's terminal. They're holding events for him, and most of them are nearing sold out, but there are options for donating money and so on.

Whore's Boudoir updated. No, really.

I want to be held and comforted and I want the weird feelings to go away and I want to stop feeling emotional and like I'm going to burst into tears and I want to feel special and not just there and possessing of the right parts and you're drunk so none of this matters but it does matter to me and I don't know if you understand that.

I want to be drunk so my mind stops working. I want to be alone in a crowd of people. I want to explain myself to you, and have you know how I'm feeling and maybe be feeling the same way. But I don't think you do and so this kinda hurts and my emotions are all over the place and it doesn't make sense anymore. Nothing makes sense anymore and I need it to make sense but I can't so I'm confused and I'm lost and I'm left wondering... always wondering. Did I do the right thing? My brain says yes. Lots of me says yes. But I want to say yes. I want to ... I want to say what I'm feeling and have you say yes.

I want to have moved on and stop feeling feelings. I need to... just stop. I need to stop and I need to move forward. Are both possible? Is what I'm thinking or feeling possible? I don't know. All I know is that it's what I'm feeling and there it is.

And you... well. As for you -- the other you -- I wish I understood you. I just don't think that's possible. I think there are a lot of things that I don't know, that you're not telling me and here I am. Fill me in? I doubt you will. Why do my double standards exist and take over my mind? At least I recognize them for what they are, right? Right.

Hold me?

I'm a bad mom, too. I have a fish that has been dying -- very slowly -- for the last age and a half. My kitten hasn't seen enough of me the last few days, and she'll probably be kinda pissed at me tomorrow, 'cause she's being left alone again for awhile.

I just want to feel like I belong to someone, even if it's just for a night, making it not very real. It's not the sex I want, although I'm still attracted... I do want that, but I want it to be something more. I don't want it to be just 'cause I'm there with the right parts and you don't hate me. Do you hate me? Sometimes I still wonder... other times, I'm kinda sure you don't.

Well, I'm not going to be doing a masters in the fall. Yay for on-going full-time employment.

When all else fails, try this.

And, long, but worth it (I love the basketball representing a tumbleweed).

Okay, so, did I or did I not make a decent-sized post here the other day, detailing the last few days? It appears to have disappeared, and I for one am confused.

Am I on crack, or what? I know it didn't display for me at work, but now it's not even in my list of posts that I've written. I'm lost, and not just 'cause I spent the last half-hour or so sleeping. Maybe longer. Yes, I'm at work still.

In other news, this apparently marks my 1,150th post. Yay me. :) I've written over 800,000 words to this site. Admittedly, not all of it is original content, but still. I know I'm impressed. :)

I'm not too fond of this new Blogger interface, I have to admit. It seems to take longer for posts to appear. *grumble*

Anyhow, now I'm off to go home. :)

Cleaning out the mailbox again...

25 Signs You Might be Canadian

1. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".
2. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
4. You drink Pop, not Soda.
5. You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean.
6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.
7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
12. You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & many more, are Canadians.
13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!
14. You know what a touque is.
15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee."
17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.
19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan".
22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
23. You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
24. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"
25. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends!!!! and then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them... further

Urgh. My legs are *tired* and sore and I have a running class tonight and as per always, I don't want to go. *whine* Especially since it seems like I might be getting a shin splint (or did last week) and my stomach has been stupid and weird at me for the last few days.

My cat is busy demanding attention, yet when I pick her up, she chews on me. Good to know she's feeling back to normal. :P

Anyhow, more substantial update later, for now, I gotta get moving. *sigh*

So the secret to getting people to comment on your blog is to debate controversial issues -- abortion, religion, politics, homosexuality, gay rights... But what of Thena? Does no one want to hear tales of my kitten attacking the water when I turn on the tub, or of snorting water when I turn the tap on just slightly for her? (She stuck her head under it and was trying to lick it, but kept getting water up her nose and snorting... it was funny).

I went out for my running class yesterday and felt pretty gross in my apartment afterwards. I had enough time before he was due over to call D and ask him to pick me up a fan. *grin* He did, and it made my apartment much more bearable, although I have to think that Thena didn't much enjoy it. Either that, or she's getting annoyed with me for not wanting to cuddle her when she wants it, before my alarm -- she spends her mornings biting my feet, arms and hands now. I wouldn't have thought the breeze was that bad on her, since it seemed to be focused on the outer edge of the bed, but maybe she's just getting cranky now that she's getting near 'maturity.' Damn cat.

Stupid work! Argh!

Okay, so the week of meetings has begun... I went to a morning ATIP session instead of the afternoon one, so I got to leave after an hour and go to my staff meeting... which was itself an hour and a half long. Hooray for my morning. :P :) (As a later edit, I just double-checked the time of the session I'd signed up for, and not only was it in the afternoon, but it was actually for tomorrow. That gives me only a really short meeting tomorrow morning that can often be kinda fun).

Anyhow, I was checking out Bourque.org, and I found this story on the ctv.ca website.

Here's some of it:

Martin slams Harper over MP's abortion comment
Prime Minister Paul Martin is criticizing Conservative Leader Stephen Harper for failing to speak out against remarks from one of his MPs comparing abortions to the beheading of an American contractor by Iraqi terrorists. Speaking to reporters en route to the G-8 summit in Sea Island, Georgia Tuesday, Martin said if a member of the Liberal Party had come out with such an "extreme statement," he would have spoken out immediately. But Martin wouldn't say whether he would expel an MP from caucus over such a remark.

Okay, first of all we have the typical MP crap posturing. "Oh look, your guy said something awful, so I'm going to jump on it and be all affronted and act as if I would have had one of my guys tarred and feathered if they said something half as bad!" It's bullshit, but it's politics. Guess why so many people are disillusioned with politics, eh? Bah.

Gallant's comment appeared in an article about an anti-abortion rally on Parliament Hill that appeared in The Western Catholic Reporter last month. "She compared the killing (of American Nick Berg) to the abortions performed in Canada over 35 years and said it is 'absolutely no different'," the article said. Stephen Harper responded immediately from Calgary Monday, but he refused to condemn his MP's remarks. "Cheryl Gallant is a very strong pro-life MP, and this is the rhetoric that the pro-life movement often uses," Harper told reporters in Calgary. "It's their business. I don't think it's particularly effective in changing public opinion."

Okay, so beheading a fully-grown adult man (against his choice, one assumes) is the same thing as removing a fetus (at the mother and/or father's request)? O-kay...

Now, sure, Harper didn't condemn Gallant, but well, as much as I disagree with her statements, I will also acknowledge, just like Harper did, that peoples' minds are made up on the abortion issue and will not be easily changed. That's why I typically refuse to discuss abortion with people, it's a subject that I am invested in and I don't want to debate it with people (abortion and hunting are about the only two subjects I won't discuss with people if at all possible).

He added he recognizes that abortion is here to stay in Canada. "Abortion is going to go on one way or the other, and I think it's part of life, rightly or wrongly," he said. "I wouldn't say I like abortion, but I think abortion is a reality that is with us."

I'm going to go out on a limb and deduce from this that while Harper isn't personally in favour of abortion, I don't think he'd be striving to have it removed as a law. Which, in a sense, is good -- I can handle having a candidate I didn't vote for in charge (which has been the case in every major election I've voted in), so long as he isn't looking to turn back the clock on our rights and freedoms. Whereas Stockwell Day gave off the impression that he would've liked to have repealed the laws (if memory serves) and he also struck me as a man who touched children in their private places... but that's another story. He always struck me as creepy. :P

The part that *really* got me about this article follows:

Gallant has already caused her party leader trouble this election campaign.

On Saturday, the Ottawa-area MP said she thinks Canada's newly amended hate law -- which added "sexual orientation" to the list of groups protected from hate propaganda -- should be changed back. "The danger in having sexual orientation just listed, that encompasses, for example, pedophiles," Gallant said. "I believe that the caucus as a whole would like to see it repealed."

Apparently, according to Gallant, there exists now an additional sexual orientation to the (arguably) three that are already in existence: We now have "pedophile" in addition to "heterosexual", "homosexual," and "bisexual" (for simplicity's sake I'm just using the three most common ones, forgive me for excluding anyone).

I would just like to take a moment to point out to Cheryl Gallant, who I am quite certain reads my site avidly, that "pedophile" is not a sexual orientation. It is, a fetish or a perversion, but it is not an orientation.

Harper tried to defuse that comment as well, saying that while he would like to see some amendments, he doesn't plan to change the law. "I don't intend to repeal this legislation," he said. "I think it's perfectly reasonable to have these protections in law."

Good, glad to have a political leader who recognizes that people are, unfortunately, persecuted as a result of who they choose to sleep with, and that's something against which they should be protected by law. Good for you, Stephen Harper. Between you and the Conservative candidate that was really engaging on the show a few weeks' back (although he wasn't the candidate for my riding), I'd almost be tempted to vote for your party. :)

These are not first controversial remarks from Gallant. In April, 2002, she was forced to apologize for a comment she made in the House of Commons, telling Foreign Affairs Minister Bill Graham to "Ask your boyfriend" about Mideast policy. The line was picked up by Commons microphones. After a firestorm of criticism, Gallant released a statement saying it "was inappropriate."

That isn't so much "inappropriate" as it is childish. Remember being in elementary school and accusing one another of having boyfriends and girlfriends? Okay, so we typically did it in a heterosexual context (at least in my childhood), but really, it's just plain immature.

The next year, in June 2003, she apologized to the Commons after TV cameras caught her mouthing an obscenity at Graham during question period.

Another immature one.

The latest gaffe comes as the Conservatives face criticism after a number of MPs expressed contentious opinions on topics such as abortion, bilingualism, and the death penalty.

Well, what can I say? I'm not about to vote for a party that's against abortion or in favour of the death penalty. *shrug* I give people credit that they're each entitled to their own opinions and so on, but when you're a politician, anything you utter is considered to be part of the party line. It's tough, and I have a lot of respect for the MPs that defect from their own parties to sit as independents or move to another party because their views contrast with those of the party... at the same time, it's somewhat unfair to the constituents who elected you. Presumably some of them voted you in based on the fact that you were a member of the party they wanted in power, so if you remove yourself from that party, you're doing your constituents a disservice.

So this seems to lend itself nicely to a question -- if you wanted to vote for a particular party because you believed in its platform and planks (a nice buzzword for you) and so on, but you despised the candidate in your riding for one reason or another (be it personal, political or business-related on some level), what would you do? Would you still elect him oir her, or would you vote for a candidate who you liked, but whose party you didn't necessarily support?

Okay, so I'm not to be trusted with a water bottle, it would seem. I've managed to knock mine over twice so far in the space of a few minutes. Rather dumb.

This week is the week of meetings. *sigh* I have a two-hour long immediate staff members meeting tomorrow, then a 30-minute (or so) strategic meeting on Wednesday, plus a two-hour learning session in the afternoon, and Thursday is an all-day meeting for all staff. I am *not* looking forward to that one... all day meetings bite, big time. Argh.

The weekend itself was pretty decent, though (I now finally have some time to sit and write). Who'd've thought that some random musings would turn into huge comment back-and-forths like that? Who'd've thought that so many people would take offense at me being grossed out by old guys hitting on me? :)

Anyhow, the weekend. I got out Friday night to see Harry Potter 3, and I rather enjoyed it. I thought it was better-done than the second movie, for sure... D, on the other hand, said he would’ve preferred to rent it. Admittedly, it’s two different people and their interests are quite different, but... there you have it. YMMV, and so on. After that it was just a fairly quiet night, nothing much was going on.

Saturday I got up and had my run, and I was cheating a little bit. I was having trouble breathing at times, so I spent two minutes walking in between each stretch of running, rather than just one. It probably didn’t help that I was running at 11 in the morning, when it was already fairly warm. I picked up some fruits on my way home, so I now have at my disposal apricots, peaches, nectarines, lychee fruit, a mango, and assorted berries. I’m trying new things out – I’ve never had apricots on their own, nor have I had mango (to my knowledge). When I was younger, I loved canned peaches, but I was never terribly big on eating them fresh; the flavour was different, and I wasn’t huge on the fuzzy peel. It’s weird eating apricots for the same reason, but once I get going, it’s not a problem.

Anyhow, later that afternoon, I went out and got my hair cut. D ran up to me while I was waiting for my bus to say hi and tell me of his inability to meet up with his friend for lunch. My hair dresser had taken sick, so I got rescheduled to another lady at the other location... which I didn’t realize when I showed up for my appointment. The receptionist got in his car and he drove me over to the other location, and I promptly got my hair cut. I think I’m pretty pleased with what she did to it, although it’s still going to take some getting used to for styling and so on.

I walked slowly home, stopping at Starbucks for a chocolate drink and then Wendy’s for an early dinner. I got home, got sick, then spent the evening mellowly lying about with the demon beast. Around 11 I decided to go out and see if my gf D was working at the nearby bar; sure enough, she was. I spent the evening alternately talking to her and the guys who were hitting on her and the other bartender (a friend of hers) and wandering out to the dance floor area to look around.

Here’s where I feel the need to explain my comments made , I’d like to point out, at 2:30 in the morning on two drinks and an empty stomach (my dinner at 4 was the last thing I ate that day, partly from feeling like crap and also partly from not being especially hungry). So, yes, my claiming that I was dirty-dancing with strangers was written wrong and interpreted as such. In reality, I danced with two different people, and for the most part, especially with the second guy, I was barely touching him during the course of the dance. Unlike many of the girls I saw out on the dance floor, I wasn’t trying to mate with someone through their clothes – it was essentially a case of dancing with someone, swaying my hips and occasionally twisting down to be closer to the ground, in tandem. Very boring, and I’m a horrible dancer anyhow. While I’m thinking of it, he was the same guy that I think thought I was a lesbian; I mentioned that I’d dropped by to say hi to my girlfriends, who were bartending, and he asked if she’d be jealous about us dancing. It amused me. :)

So yes, there was my evening. Towards the end of it, one of the guys hanging around D took a shine to me, and spent about twenty minutes straight regaling me with tales of his sexual exploits... ‘cause I guess I’m going to find it impressive to learn that this guy has been in the mile-high club and had sex with another girl’s aunt, who was 35, and while not very good-looking, had a really hot body. His words. *shrug* Not that I care, but I guess I’m reaching a point where I’m finding all this focus on sex and so on to be rather dull... I’ve had people try to start up conversations about sex and I just shut it down, or simply ignore it. Maybe that’s why I’m having such trouble getting an article together for the Whore’s Boudoir. :P

And a few random things before I forget: bartender friend D molested my boob at one point, which amused me; the guy trying to impress me was convinced she and I had slept together; one of the lavalife old men called me a dumb cunt and a few other insults after I insulted him... the funny part was simply that it took him about 10 minutes to come up with a rather mediocre insult.

Also, it’s a bad idea for me to have gotten a good quality phone. I’ve just downloaded a new background, a new ringtone, and a new game, and I think I’m going back to get another game I saw that looked fun. One second... Okay, make that two games, two ringtones, and one background. Yep, I’m a loser. However, now I can get rid of the chicken dance theme, to the delight (and relief) of my friends. :)

So yes, Saturday night was a restless one, with my eyes streaming all night from the make-up I’d neglected to remove. I used to be able to get away with that when I was younger, but not so much now. I finally got up around 11, lounged about for awhile and shook off the mild lingering bleah feelings from drinking the night before, then went out to lunch with an LL boy. Afterwards, hit up the used book store where some of my former bookstore coworkers dropped in and said hi as they left work, and I headed over for my own evening of work.

Work was fairly uneventful. It appears they’ve finally blocked off all the MSN access, so I wasn’t able to do any chatting all evening. Instead, I just wound up reading for awhile and then working on Ben’s (much belated) birthday gift for a bit longer. D swung by for about the last hour, then walked me home and helped me cut Thena’s nails, which was a good thing. They hadn’t gotten awful, but they did need the trimming. Isn’t my life exciting? :)

Anyhow, now it’s time to head out and get to the gym. I think my enthusiasm for my life has waned. I’m feeling paranoid about a friend of mine, I’m feeling sloppy, gross and fat, and I’m all “what’s the point of working out?” right now. I need a keeper, someone who can make me nice meals and make sure I eat properly. Okay, I just need to take accountability for my own actions, that too. :)

Back to reading HP 5. :)

Notes from the evening:

1. Next time, more cleavage.
2. Knowing the bartender (sp? too drunk to care) is good.
3. Apparently, I can attract guys... it's just a shame that they're not the ones I find attractive.
4. Dirty-dancing with strangers is funny.
5. I might have gotten an article out of the evening.
6. Time for bed, methinks.
7. Will eventually manage to post pictures of the new haircut.
8. I take an *amazing* amount of bad pictures. *Man* am I butt-monkey ugly.
9. I miss you right now and wish I could hold you and make love to you. And trust me, that's not just the alcohol talking.
10. Having dinner is a good idea before going out drinking.
11. I still manage to be quite coherent in my typing when I've had alcohol. I'm not as drunk as when Ben and I went out, but still... I feel no pain. :)
12. Drunk guys who are trying to impress you with their sexual exploits are funny.
13. Drunk guys are funny.
14. I hate bar bathrooms.
15. Now I smell like someone's cologne. Damn.
16. Unscheduled evenings out are fun. :)

Okay, so the following two comments were left on my site from my last two posts, and rather than try to address them in the comment section (where I don’t think I have enough space), I’ve chosen to reproduce them here and address them more directly:

Please don't fall into a standard feminism trap of only accusing older men for dating younger women. Yes, it may be the more dominant stereotype in Hollywood, but older women have been cougar'ing younger men for quite some time. Demi Moore & Ashton Kuchar being the latest prime time example thereof.

Irrespective of gender, I don't see the issue. by age 20-24 you should have a head on your shoulders well-enough to be able to deal with anyone on an adequate level. At that point, age is a state of mind, why should it matter? I do discern a difference when it comes to teenagers and believe the Canadian gov't isn't being strict enough on it's policy there.

And for the record of conversation, I've dated a woman 11 years older than me before :)

The Other Jamie

First, I’m not in any trap of assuming that only dirty old men exist. I know quite well that women date younger men; hell, my last two serious boyfriends were both four years younger than me. I heard plenty of robbing the cradle comments. Granted, I don’t see myself ever cougaring someone *much* younger than me, but never say never and all that.

As to the second... well, I’ve been relating to people older than me for ages. Hell, at 12 I was “involved” with someone 13 years my senior, not a moment of my life I’m proud of, that’s for sure. And before you all get tied up in knots, well, it certainly wasn’t as awful as many of you are assuming – there was no sex or anything even approaching it.

I’m not convinced that age is a state of mind at 20 or thereabouts; I’ve seen for myself that that isn’t the case with someone of the people I’ve worked with in various jobs. These are the 20-year olds that are still existing on Mommy and Daddy’s money, or who are in their first “real” jobs and haven’t the faintest idea how to be professional, who backstab to get themselves ahead in their $8.00/hour jobs... it’s awful. Even for people who’ve had to support themselves, they still don’t know what the hell they’re all about, and they hate to admit it. I know at 20 I thought I knew the world, but looking back, I knew fuck all. I still know fuck all, but I pretend I don’t.

Now, relating to your woman 11 years older than you, we’ve discussed that in person, so I’m familiar with the story, and I offer up in return – were you planning on making a life with that woman? Since I know the circumstances that surrounded it, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume the answer is no. So in that event, your example falls short for my circumstance, as I’m looking to have a relationship of sorts with someone, not just a temporary or stop-gap relationship, an affair of which I’ve had too many in the last while.

I, personally, do not find myself attracted to men who are greatly older than me, with a few notable exceptions (whom I’ve listed before, but I’ll reiterate for those of you whose short-term memory has been removed by aliens wielding strange devices), to whit, James Marsters, Hugh Jackman, David Boreanaz, and a few other possibilities. However, that’s the exception to the rule. While yes, I relate perfectly well to men (and women) of most ages, I do not look at a 35-year old or 40-something year old and think to myself “potential dating partner.” Yes, age is a state of mind, and my mind throws up huge red flags in those situations.

Let’s face it: at 20-something (let’s go with my 23, for convenience’s sake), the average person has completed or is completing university or college. Chances are that you are or have been working a shit job to pay your expenses, and are either living at home or living on your own, either case with some degree of debt. You may not be accustomed to supporting yourself, especially if Mom and Dad have paid your tuition, living expenses, or some combination of the above. The world is scary and new, and your focus is probably on finding yourself some form of beyond just subsistence-level employment.

Now, let’s contrast this with your average 30-year old, shall we? Here we have someone who has been in the working world for say, 5-7 or 8 years. Chances are they’re living on their own and have been for anywhere from 5-10 years. They’re comfortable in their job, which isn’t so much a job as possibly even a career. Their debts are probably paid, they may even own their own home, they have a car, they have a routine, they have an established credit history and they can afford to indulge themselves if they see fit on a nice vacation or something else. Their focus is no longer their employment and maybe on trying to find someone to share all this wonderment with.

Granted, the last 30-something year old I dated fit *none* of that profile, but he was a “special” case. Special here being too many negative qualities for me to list. If you ever feel bad about the people you’ve dated, please, by all means, contact me. I can rant for a few hours on some of my losers.

So... in my little world of experiences, I’m not going to be at the same point in my life as someone in their 30s – if we are, I’d be hoping for a really good explanation (I just moved out on my own a year ago... if someone who’s 35 or 40-something can say the same, you’d better believe I want to know why). I see someone in their 30s as someone looking to settle down with another person, and quite possibly faster than I would be.

Yes, I’m generalizing greatly here, but first of all, I have yet to have an experience that really disproves this. My dating experience with the coworker was never permanent in my mind, and while he bitched me out for having that view/not loving him, he also had to admit that he didn’t see “us” as permanent, either.

I guess what I’m eventually trying to say is simply that I see myself as being able to relate much more closely to someone who has grown up around the same time as I. I would much rather be dating someone who is around the same level as I am – either still paying off school debts, or maybe has only been out and working for a few years – than someone who has perhaps been to his 10th year high school reunion, or who has seen most of his friends get married already, or who simply seems to be light years ahead of me in terms of how “grown-up” he is. It’s one thing to date someone like that briefly, but situations like that make me awkward and uncomfortable, because I don’t feel I’m at that point in my life.

So yes, part of it is an insecurity and so on, but a big part of it is that I simply don’t look at a significantly older man and go, “Wow, I want to fuck me that guy!” Let’s face it, a big part of dating someone has to be some form of attraction. I can’t date someone for very long if I don’t find myself attracted to him, and I just don’t often find myself attracted to guys who are much older than me. Someone my age is more likely to share my interests, whatever they might be at any given moment. Someone my age is also more likely to want to spend time with my friends, unlike the coworker, who specifically said to me that he would never want to hang out with any of my friends. Contrast this with J, for example, who wanted to meet my friends – and was my first boyfriend to really want to. Unless we count UBFM, who simply wanted to meet my friends because it was another aspect of my life he wanted to take over and insinuate himself into. Some of you may feel that that’s an exaggeration, but again, get me started on him sometime and you may change your mind. I hope, otherwise I’m not telling the story right.

Basically, in short, someone close in age to me is much more likely to be able to fit into my life. Someone close to my age is not going to be viewing me as proof of his manhood and virility (“lookit the young, nubile chickie my middle-aged body gets to fuck!”), and someone my age isn’t going to be viewing me as an escape to impending middle-agedness.

Yes, I’m hyperbolizing all over the place and so on, but ... I had a good reason for doing it earlier, when I was originally writing this. Now it’s later and I’m tired and I don’t specifically remember what it was. I know that yes, not all guys fit this model and so on, but quite frankly, my experiences with guys who are significantly older than me has not been good, and I just find myself romantically interested in people closer to my age, rather than those who are old enough to be my father (or who are simply significantly older than I). *shrug* Not much I can do about who gets my engine revving and who doesn’t – if that were the case, my life would’ve been much simpler from the outset.

As a break between my two replies, here’s something I found from Dear Abby. It’s a list of reasons this particular woman came up with to give to nosy people who asked why she wasn’t married, and I thought it was kinda funny:

I'M NOT MARRIED BECAUSE:
(1) You haven't asked me yet.
(2) Because I just love hearing people ask me that question.
(3) My fiance is waiting until after the parole is granted.
(4) I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
(5) I already have enough laundry to do, thank you!
(6) I'm afraid my parents would drop dead from sheer happiness.
(7) What? And lose all the money I've invested in personal ads?
(8) I'm married to my career -- although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
(9) If I married, I'd have to forfeit my $10 million trust fund.



And now, my reply to Shawn’s comments:

At the risk of starting a flamewar, my beef happens to be with girls who use 'Boys suck!' or 'Men are pigs!' or 'Guys are dumb!' as though those were explanations instead of obvious cop-outs for an explanation.

It's kind of too bad that in 2004, with very liberal--and liberating--views towards sexuality becoming increasingly prevelent, we'd have at least moved past that sort of misandry.

Yet, everywhere I turn, some post-teenage woman is offering bitterness-fueled cheap-shots - and I'm not talking about the 'cute' stuff you'd find over at David & Goliath, but rather the passive-aggressive remarks that are starting to (as you can no doubt tell) get under my skin.

Okay, well, I can defend us doing this a little bit, at least from my stance... and that’s mainly because I honestly have been treated like shit by a few guys. When I say guys suck or that I hate men, or even that I hate people, it’s with the understanding that yes, individuals are wonderful, but as a group, people suck. Or even that certain individuals guys suck, but the rest are just fine. *shrug* Depends on your perspective, really.

I mean... I don’t assume that ‘cause Guy X did something to me that all guys are going to be the same way. I’m not nearly that stupid. However, sometimes it’s hard to realize that Guy X won’t do something when all the other guys you encounter are doing it – kinda like my realization right now that all guys want is no-strings sex, and the odd guy that wants an actual committed relationship AND who won’t settle for sex in the meantime is the anomaly. And in fact, is an endangered species.

So, I’m not trying to say that I’m particularly right or justified in going around trashing men all the time, but I am at least trying to explain it. Hell, if anyone’s in doubt of my stance on guys, take a look at the make-up of my friends; some 90% of them happen to be male, and any one of them will admit at any given time that guys suck. :)

Sexy is the thing I try to get them to see me as after I win them over with my personality. - a quote from Miranda, off Sex and the City, that I feel applies to me.

In other news, a topic that gets revisted by bloggers every 6 months or so on average: if you post something publicly, then you can expect that at some point or another, chances are someone you don't want reading it might very well read it. This is why I have a paper diary; if I want to write about my sex life, my thoughts, my feelings or just something that happened in my life that I don't feel like sharing with all and sundry, I do so. Not online. Livejournal allows you the option of locking your posts to only specific people; Blogger allows you the option of having a password-protected page. There are many options available to anyone who wishes to have a degree of privacy and still maintain a public journal (don't the concepts go together well?).

Anyhow, that's all I have to say about that. In other news, ararrgggh. I was going to write a bit more, but at the same time, I just want it to die. Quite simply, it's your life and someone else's life, and it doesn't touch on me, so why would you care about me finding out or not? Don't understand, and don't really care about it, to be perfectly honest. I don't mean that in a bitchy sort of way, just in an honest one.

So yeah. I just finished reading a book entitled, 'Generation S.L.U.T.,' by Marty Beckerman. To begin, I'm going to quote the publisher's blurb:

"It’s Friday night. Do you know where your clothes are? A mesmerizing blend of journalism and fiction that recalls the wild styles of Hunter Thompson, Bret Easton Ellis, and Douglas Copeland, Generation S.L.U.T. is a no-holds-barred look at the sexual lives of teens today--who’s doing it and why. Reported from the battle zone by a nineteen-year-old who is there, living in the thick of this promiscuous world, and writing about it, experiencing it. No compromises, comparisons, or sweeping statements here, just a revelatory and brutally honest depiction of the current generation’s relationship to sex."

The book is set up in three parts, as it were, all intermingled: one part is facts and quotes from articles and interviews with random teens; one part is a series of anecdotes from the author's life; and the third part is a fictional story of a bunch of teenagers.

Now, all of these are set up in such a way as to make it seem as if all teenagers (from about 12 or 13 to 19, seems to be the capping age) are doing is dropping out of school, hating life and one another, having lots of sex, and feeling totally disconnected from life. The book refers to "generation 'y'", meant to be the sequel to Douglas Coupland's Gen Xers, and GenY is supposed to be made up of 19- to 24-year olds. The author is currently 20, I want to point out.

So, my friends, my fellow compatriots, my so-called fellow GenYers (also often called the MTV Generation, the Me Generation, the "Why?" generation, as in "why care about/do anything?")... do we fit this model? Admittedly you have to go by my vague description of the book in order to determine whether or not we belong, but...

I'm reminded of how, when I was a teenager, I fervently defended teenagers to adults, saying, "Hey, we're not all that bad!" and "Not all of us are out getting fucked up and passing out every weekend!" and here I am, a few years later, no further advanced... except now I critique teenagers, feel terrified of bringing children into the world, with our hyper-sexualized society, fucked-up social mores, economic uncertainty, poor healthcare, poor education and declining environment... and still feel the need to defend my generation.

Sometimes I look at people who are on television shows where their ages are revealed -- for example, Blind Date -- or look at actors and actresses who are my age, and I feel as though they're light-years ahead of me in terms of maturity. I look at myself, and I don't see someone who's coming up on 24-years old. I feel like I'm still a kid, and that's how I'll always be regarded. No one is going to look at me and see a grown-up, just another floundering kid trying to make sense of the world.

I have some friends who are the age I am now when I first met them, and I didn't necessarily see them as years ahead of me, although many of them were living on their own at that time and had been for awhile. Of course, I'm living on my own right now, so I can't really use that as an explanation or excuse. But now many of my friends are 27 and 28, some are married, engaged or in long-term relationships, working full-time and/or going to school... but I don't see them as older than me, I see them as my peers. Yet there are other people I'll meet who are the same age as them or possibly even younger, and they seem like adults. Spot's one of those; despite his being only 28, he felt like an adult to me. Weird perception things going on in my head, I gotta tell you.

I know when I turned 21, the same age UBFM was when we started dating, I thought, "Would I be able to date a 15-year old?" and my immediate reaction was, "Oh my fucking God, no." Yet he was able to without any bad feelings -- in fact, he was fucking proud of himself, I know. Hell, I worked at the same cafeteria as him for a few months, and, according to him (if memory serves; it might've been something I saw for myself), there were old guys there who would congratulate him on dating me, a 16-year old (to his 22). That makes me sick.

Argh. Sorry, the stories in that book started out bad and depressing and got systematically worse, so my perception is sort of fucked up at the moment. Not to mention revisting the morning's events (and learning a bit more) didn't help, which I did before I started writing this crazy stream-of-consciousness. Every now and then I read a book that totally fucks with me for a little bit; this one seems to have done it, and Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita was another one that did for a few weeks. Hard to view anything properly when that goes on.

It seems whenever I have a really good something going on, I have to interrupt it and distract myself. Like, I wrote all of the above with no stopping except for digging up the URL to the book, and then I started looking at other webpages. Why? I have a spiel going on and I have the motivation to carry it through, so why stop? So I keep going.

I had my first running class yesterday. There are seven of us in the class, although only six showed up yesterday. We ran for about a half hour, and it was two minutes of running, followed by a minute of walking, then back to the running. I was feeling kinda huffy-puffy towards the end, but no cramps at all, and running with a water bottle in your hand isn't as hard as I thought it might be. My thighs were a little chafed by the stupid shorts I was wearing, but that's because I got all paranoid about my new running shorts and changed into my huge ones.

There are five girls in the group and one boy, and none of us seemed especially super-athletic, which is nice. On the way there, I was staying at the back of the pack, although I had to shorten my stride somewhat to keep from stepping on one girl's heels; the way back I was at the front, just because we flipped around. We chatted and so on while we ran (okay, jogged), and it seems like a good group. There are two members of the group that live within stone's throw of me, so I might even run into them (ha! ha! no pun intended) when I'm out doing my homework.

Oh yes, we have running homework. Basically, we're just supposed to get out for a run on Saturdays, and if we want, do some cross-training on Sunday. The instructor said we have to be careful not to overdo things when we first start, so I don't think I'll be incoporating running into my post-weights cardio until a little later on, but I will be going running on Saturdays. After all, there's gotta be a good reason to obey Thena's demands I not be able to sleep in, right? Right. Urgh. Demon spawn.

And on one of my little distraction episodes, I found this on Dear Abby, which addresses a column I wrote on the subject a little while ago...

DEAR ABBY: "Grossed Out in Florida" asked where older men "get the idea" they can date much younger women. For the answer to that question one need only look at the nearest movie theater marquee:

Harrison Ford (61) with Michelle Pfeiffer (45), Kristin Scott Thomas (43) or Anne Heche (34) -- a 16- to 27-year age gap.

Michael Douglas (59) with Famke Janssen (38), Frances McDormand (46) or Gwyneth Paltrow (31) -- a 13- to 28-year age gap.

Steve Martin (58) with Bonnie Hunt (39), Jean Smart (44) or Helena Bonham Carter (37) -- a 14- to 21-year age gap.

All of these relationships are presented as perfectly normal. Also, consider the fuss that was made about Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton in "Something's Gotta Give." How NICE it was to see contemporaries as a love interest! In reality, Diane is nine years younger than Jack. It's no wonder these men think that young girls will be interested because, hey, if it can happen in the movies, it can happen in real life, right? -- REALITY CHECKER, GURNEE, ILL.

DEAR REALITY CHECKER: Not only can it happen in real life -- it has: Humphrey Bogart married Lauren Bacall, Michael Douglas married Catherine Zeta-Jones, Warren Beatty married Annette Bening, Kevin Costner just married Christine Baumgartner, Harrison Ford is dating Calista Flockhart. And the reverse can be true: Let's not forget Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher!

The subject of the original letter was a waitress who gets lewd come-ons (getting her butt pinched, getting invited back to someone's house and so on) from men old enough to be her grandfather.

And on a tangent...

Wow, with one purchase of discounted furniture from Leon's (i.e., a damaged dresser that I paid $30 for, if memory serves), I became a "preferred customer." I love it, just like how my three-month status with Bell made me a "long-term customer." You people are full of horseshit, you really are. It's no wonder no one feels special or detects sincerity anymore because of stupid crap like this. Bleah. :P

Okay, too much time wasted doing nothing. Time to head to the gym and make the rest of my body sore (okay, so my legs aren't that bad, but I can tell I used them... not sure if it's from the lower body workout or just from the running). The joke that some of the girls in the class and I were making was that if running means we'll lose weight and look like the trainer running the class, we'll be all over it (she's tall and slim, whereas most of as are tallish, except for me, and carrying a bit of weight, or just not slim in the same way). :)

Once upon a time, I vowed I would update here.

Days passed, and no updates occurred. I had plenty of time to update, and yet I didn't. Like I've tried to explain to some people, being at work and having very little to do seems to suck my will to live... and, consequently, update.

I feel like I might be coming down with a cold; one of my coworkers has a cold and is not here today. I've been feeling a little bit something since Saturday morning, but I just figured I was probably snoring hard-core or something after drinking with Ben.

So anyhow, what have I been up to lately? Well, a lot and not a lot. The long weekend was fairly dull overall, but that was okay. Monday I got together with a bunch of the zone folks over at OFK's parents' place. We were originally going to play volleyball and have a barbecue, but as some of you may recall, the weather was poo. So instead, we watched some tv (Firefly, to be specific), played some video games, and played some cards. I'd brought Killer Bunnies and some of us played a few rounds of that. After dinner I played a few hands of Asshole before taking my notebook and going outside.

I had it reinforced that day how much I dislike relying on other people for things that I can do myself. To whit, I hate mooching lifts off of other people, and I hate having to rely on other people for lifts. OFK's parents live in the backwoods, or at least backwoods enough that I couldn't even think of busing home (nor do I know the bus system for where we were, if it even extends that far, which I doubt), so I had to wait until someone else was ready to leave, and willing to drive me home. Generally at these gatherings, there's someone who leaves early, but not that day. Instead, I was out there until OFK left, actually, and he was the last to do so. Personally, I'd been ready to go home after we watched an episode or two of Firefly. I'd gotten picked up at 2:30, and it was just one of those days where I kinda wanted to sit under blankets and read or cuddle my kitten or watch television or something -- ideally on a DVD player that wasn't skipping, but that wasn't anyone's fault.

I don't know, I just found that my mood took... not a plummet, but a bit of a turn. I was enjoying the socializing and I really enjoyed that Mad was teasing me and I was teasing her in return, and it was a lot of fun, but after dinner... I took my notebook outside and sat on the step in the twilight and wrote. Towards the end, I couldn't really make out the page, but I kept writing until I'd filled my notebook, some three years or so after I'd originally started it.

I started it after The Ex- and I broke up the first time -- the time he'd told me that he wanted to see other people shortly after he'd come home for the summer. It's weird to think that it feels like I'm so far past those years of my life, yet they're not that long ago, really. I do love that there's finally some significant years between myself and the fiasco that was the UBFM relationship. We broke up when I was about 18 1/2, and here I am approaching 24... it feels really good to have that so far behind me.

I've been fairly immersed the last little while in getting out and meeting people, and while it hasn't necessarily been a rousing success, it's certainly been good practice and so on. Some people I chat with for awhile before I meet them; others it's been just a few brief email exchanges or something and then a meeting. It's been good for getting used to keeping conversations going with people I don't know very well, or at all. *shrug* I've also had fairly good luck in that I haven't met up with anyone who was a total asshole or anything of the sort. A few have toed the line of being assholes online, but that's easy enough to avoid.

I have lost my taste for the whole event, though, I have to admit. There are a few people who I have yet to meet, and I'm willing to do so, but I'm not holding out any great hopes that they'll be anyone spectacular, as bad as that might sound. Lavalife has taught me not to be offended at the brush-off, and not to feel too depressed if things don't pan out, 'cause after all, there's bound to be someone interesting around the next corner.

Anyhow, so the week between the last two weekends wasn't anything terribly exciting, at least not that I remember. Last weekend was somewhat hectic, though... Saturday I had lunch with one guy, a really awful coffee with another, then it was off to OFK's place for gaming excitement. Saturday wouldn't have been so bad if I'd had more sleep, but last-minute plans with Ben involving seeing Shrek 2 (my second time) and getting wasted (not necessarily my original intention, but a good result nonetheless) kept me up fairly late.

Ben indulged quite heavily on whiskey, I partook of a couple of martinis (one chocolate one and two after eights -- creme de cacao, creme de menthe and vodka) and we had good conversation the whole time. There was also a pizza that I ordered and Ben shared, and then later his insistence on having nachos -- whereby we each each about five, and he deliberately abandoned them in my fridge, the bastard. As promised, those are going out with the garbage tomorrow morning.

While we drank, I kept note of various subjects I wanted to address in this site. A few were amusing, like my constant knocking of my first two martinis, before I was drunk, and our waiter's complimenting of Ben for his good taste in whiskey and his ability to consume it in vast quantities (the guy said that he usually considered his customers to be wimps, but Ben was redeeming them).

Oh yeah, and another moment of brilliance on my part. I have a habit of saying weird things that get overheard by other bar patrons or waitstaff in various establishments. A few examples that come immediately to mind:

1. Out for a late night snack at what used to be a diner with Ben. A group, led by our waitress, files past us to a table a little ways away. Ben and I are discussing what kind of a tip to leave, and Ben wants to leave a sizeable one. I say, "Not quite so much... The service was good, but it's not like we got oral sex out of it." Unbeknownst to me, a final member of the group was coming up behind me and happened to walk past at that exact moment. According to Ben, who was facing her, she cracked up.

2. Out at another diner with a (at the time) coworker and a friend, who was in the washroom. My friend A was facing the room in general, I had my back to it (although we were both sideways to the restaurant proper, which makes sense in my head, but probably not yours). We were discussing oral sex and hair maintenance, and I was saying that during oral sex, I like to involve the testicles and so on as well, which is tricky when a guy has hairy balls. I said something to the effect of, "I just ask them to shave that up, and who's going to complain? I've never had a problem." (Okay, so I can't remember the exact comments, but I do remember the subject matter). Anyhow, our waitress was cleaning the table beside us at the time (which A could see, but I couldn't, since it was behind me, although if I'd looked up I might've seen her in the surrounding mirrors), and she snorted audibly at that comment. I apologized if I'd offended her, and she was totally blase about it, saying she overheard a lot of weird conversations in her job, and I think she even said she agreed with us.

And that brings us to 3, which happened Friday night. I don't remember what we were discussing that brought the subject up or why, but Ben and I were talking about underwear, and he suggested wearing thong underwear, or that guys looked ugly in thong underwear, or *something.* Dammit, I can't remember now. Anyhow, I said something like, "I look bad in all underwear," which apparently our waiter overheard and I think Ben said he did an about-face on his approach to our table.

The fun thing is, I really don't care that people overhear me. I find it amusing. :)

So Ben and I also spent time assessing one another's character and trying to decide what we needed to fix in order to be the perfect specimens that we're only moments away from being. Okay, so that's not quite true; basically, we wanted to figure out why it is that we keep date losers and jerks and people who don't treat us well, and what it is about ourselves that's "wrong" with us to stop this trend. I told Ben the same thing I've told anyone who's discussed it (yes, we love to analyze your character, dude, and we all hate you because you're too awesome and perfect), that he needs to stop dating girls with no spines, with chemical imbalances, who treat him like shit, take advantage of him, walk all over him, and don't treat him with respect and so on. Hell, I talked to his dad about this last year when I was babysitting Mark (true story!), and even his dad was in accord, as Mark has been, too (not that I'm trying to speak for either of them). Plus lots of other friends, but anyhow, that's off-topic.

I announced a lot that I wanted to get laid, and Ben was agreeing with the general statement, that spring has brought on twitchy feelings in many of us. Of course, I know that what I'm looking for isn't just no-strings sex, or a quick fling, which I could find fairly easily. I want the respect and the caring and the committment and the trust that goes into a proper relationship.

Tangent: I was thinking about that at the barbecue last Monday. Basically, sometimes I'll wind up hanging out or being casually flirtatious or something with a few of the guys in the group. It's harmless and understood by everyone involved and so on, and to the best of my knowledge, no one minds it (and if they do, I just hope they'd speak to me about it). At the same time, I recognize it for what it is on my part: part fun, part amusement for everyone involved/around, but also partly borrowed affection. Sure, at this point, I might be getting my head or back rubbed, or I might be making jokes with someone about our torrid affair, but when the moment ends or the joke's over, or the day wraps up, I know that they go home with their boyfriend or girlfriend, and I go home to my kitten. Don't get me wrong, I love my kitten and so on, but sometimes it'd be nice to have someone to talk to that doesn't bite me and try to gnaw through to the bone for no particular reason.

*sigh* Okay, moving on. I grouched someone out the other day. He was alluding to the comments I had made while drunk (about how I kept announcing I wanted to get laid) and saying that here I was, going to lesbianism and celibacy and so on and how I hadn't met him yet... and that's coming off smarmier right now than it did in the conversation. Anyhow, while I knew that it was a joke and so on, personal experience has taught that all too often (i.e., 95% of the time) there is a kernel of truth to those kinds of jokes and I am utterly tired of it. Lavalife has taught me that all men want to do is fuck, and they don't care if they know your name, your personality or much else beyond the colour of your underwear. They are also all insanely talentented at oral sex, love to go down on women, won't stop until the woman is screaming in ecstacy, and despite whatever your lovelife has been like previously, they are the REAL MAN for you.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't how I actually view men, although I'm partly leaning that way -- hence my need to hang out with more friends who aren't ... I was going to say morally reprehensible, but that's a judgement call I don't actually believe. I don't think there's anything wrong with that kind of hookup, it's simply not what I'm looking for and I'm tired of explaining that to guy after guy. I'm also tired of then having to explain that to guys who originally claim that's not what they're looking for, then turn around and reduce what they want to "just sex, no seriousness/relationship/whatever." *minor scream*

Okay, where was I? Yeah, so, experience has taught me to be cautious of any guy I meet on lavalife who starts making jokes about sex, or even sometimes friends who do the same thing. So I grouched at this guy somewhat, and he defended himself and called me Jennifer, and I asked him not to, then we argued a bit more and he signed off by saying, "Talk to you later, Jennifer." At this point, if I'm feeling less-than generous, I will conclude that that final bit was a deliberate asshole moment, 'cause if I've asked/told you not to call me Jennifer and you persist, you're doing it out of assholeness. I had an acquaintance in high school who used to do just that, and it drove me nuts.

Granted, people here at work call me Jennifer all the time, but I'm inclined to put it down to ignorance/stupidity. If I sign my emails as Jen, I answer my phone as Jen, and my work cubicle says "Jen," what else can you say it is? Okay, so I'm listed in contact lists and so on as Jennifer, but listen to what I call myself, would you? Argh. It's almost getting so that I want to change jobs so I can start afresh, 'cause despite my correcting people... *sigh* I hate people.

I had a bunch of weird dreams the last while, but I don't really have time to go into them -- it's time for me to head home. I start my running class today, so I want to make sure I eat something good and not terribly heavy, and I don't want to be wolfing it down at the last minute. Plus, I want to go hang out with my kitten, evil demon spawn that she may be and so on.

Here's hoping the rain doesn't combine with my already-questionable health to make me sick. :P And that I don't keel over and die in my brand-new running gear, either. Having money is bad. :P