Hung out with a few friends last night, ate some delish food and watched American Pie 2 (for the third time for me). Not a bad evening. Tried to get the Mazda up a steep incline and discovered that I really need to work on hills; I laid rubber getting up the hill and it wasn't the best of things. It seems my friends always are in the car when I screw something up. No fun.
Got home around 12:30 or so, played around on the computer for a bit, then finished up Charlotte's Web before hitting the sack. So now I'm up at a decent hour and reading to be going, which is good.
Chatted with the ex- a bit last night, which wound up bringing me down a little. We talked about his words from awhile ago, and he said that while he was sorry for his word choice because of its harshness, (although this part wasn't as spelled out), he felt justified in the message because he was tired of how I was acting and all that. Funny thing, I wasn't all that bitchy or bitter in that conversation, compared to others. Maybe it's a cumulative thing, I don't know. I'm just trying to move past it and hang out with others as much as I can.
Got some long days coming up. Tonight's work, then dinner and a movie. Saturday is work, then possibly going out to see this band I like. Sunday is just work, then Monday is work (a nice, nine-hour shift), then off to see the premiere of Men in Black II, to which I'm looking forward. :) Then, since we're into July, Tuesday is my day off. :)
Anyhow, time to check on the cats and get moving, since I want to be in to work for a decent hour, and I need a shower to wake me up. I hate this whole late night/late morning thing... I just always seem to still be tired, although I haven't napped during the day for awhile. Ah well... later. :)
2002/06/28
2002/06/27
Defining myself through quizzes...
Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz
Although the first time I got it, I got this, which I thought was funny, considering how I'm viewed (Whore of Babylon, remember):
Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz
Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz
Although the first time I got it, I got this, which I thought was funny, considering how I'm viewed (Whore of Babylon, remember):
Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz
All of the following is total stereotypes and I don't even believe all of it, but I wanted to write it that way 'cause that's the mood I was in (half-asleep and brain-dead).
I think the things people say when they want to break up with someone are funny. I mean, they're all cliches, and they're all awful, but you fall yourself falling into the trap anyways.
I mean, there are a few different instances for breaking things off with your significant other.
First, there's the case when you become interested in someone else. Sucks, but it happens. What do you generally say to your SO at the time?
"I think we should see other people."
"I've become interested in someone else."
Both can be very much true. The first doesn't specifically spell out, "I've met someone else and I want to bone them more than you now," but most people are able to piece one and one together pretty quickly. To the first, how do you reply to that? "Uhhh.... okay." I mean, there's no way to refute that one. I'm not saying people should try to necessarily, but ... it's just funny, 'cause there isn't a way of refuting it, period. I did see an episode of Will and Grace when Grace tried to dump her boyfriend at the time (Will's boss), and he wouldn't let her. He just kept saying no, and she kept going along with it (although I don't exactly understand why). Then he dumped her, and when she was trying to say no, it just seemed kinda pathetic, and he viewed her as such. That episode bugged me.
Also, in this case, does this mean that we still see each other? Do we still sleep together, just see other people? Can be a very difficult situation, but generally means, "I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore, and I've met someone(s) else. I'm just trying to be nice by not telling you so."
Now, the second is more honest, it's more to the point, but it just about says, "...and we've started seeing each other/talking sweet little nothings/boning already."
Next scenario? You realize that your SO is a big waste of space/asshole/bitch/obnoxious as hell/not the one who you want to ride like a palm tree anymore.
Guess what? You generally find yourself using the same excuses, even if they're not true. Why? Because otherwise, if you're me, your ex- stalks you (okay, not really), but it's much easier to be persuaded to get back into the relationship. That's why it took me a year and a half to break up with The Ex-; there was no one else on the horizon and I had all kinds of doubts and insecurities and stupidities that were all his fault (okay, maybe not, but close enough).
Moving to another city? Do we keep the long distance relationship going, or agree to see other people and if/when we wind up in the same city together, then we'll go back out again? Well, here's my experience... long distance relationships work for awhile, but if you're broke students, it can be really difficult to maintain them. If you know of someone in the second scenario (see other people, same city get back together), then you just try to sleep with other people. Or something.
Did I mention that my brain is on vacation right now, and hasn't bothered leaving a note as to where it's gone or when it's getting back? It's true. I've felt pretty dumb all day. So, on that note, I'm going to crosspost some of this to UnCultured, and toddle off to bed after reading Watership Down a bit more. I'm about half-way through it right now, and as soon as I finish I'm going to push it on other people. I'm really enjoying it, and I think lots of people should read it if they haven't. It's dense, too, so even though I breeze through most books like nobody's business, I'm not doing that on this one, and that's a good thing, a good feeling. I like bunnies. :) I still need to read Charlotte's Web, but that won't take me more than an hour or so.
Packed weekend, looking forward to it. I'll post more as I get through more of it. :)
I think the things people say when they want to break up with someone are funny. I mean, they're all cliches, and they're all awful, but you fall yourself falling into the trap anyways.
I mean, there are a few different instances for breaking things off with your significant other.
First, there's the case when you become interested in someone else. Sucks, but it happens. What do you generally say to your SO at the time?
"I think we should see other people."
"I've become interested in someone else."
Both can be very much true. The first doesn't specifically spell out, "I've met someone else and I want to bone them more than you now," but most people are able to piece one and one together pretty quickly. To the first, how do you reply to that? "Uhhh.... okay." I mean, there's no way to refute that one. I'm not saying people should try to necessarily, but ... it's just funny, 'cause there isn't a way of refuting it, period. I did see an episode of Will and Grace when Grace tried to dump her boyfriend at the time (Will's boss), and he wouldn't let her. He just kept saying no, and she kept going along with it (although I don't exactly understand why). Then he dumped her, and when she was trying to say no, it just seemed kinda pathetic, and he viewed her as such. That episode bugged me.
Also, in this case, does this mean that we still see each other? Do we still sleep together, just see other people? Can be a very difficult situation, but generally means, "I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore, and I've met someone(s) else. I'm just trying to be nice by not telling you so."
Now, the second is more honest, it's more to the point, but it just about says, "...and we've started seeing each other/talking sweet little nothings/boning already."
Next scenario? You realize that your SO is a big waste of space/asshole/bitch/obnoxious as hell/not the one who you want to ride like a palm tree anymore.
Guess what? You generally find yourself using the same excuses, even if they're not true. Why? Because otherwise, if you're me, your ex- stalks you (okay, not really), but it's much easier to be persuaded to get back into the relationship. That's why it took me a year and a half to break up with The Ex-; there was no one else on the horizon and I had all kinds of doubts and insecurities and stupidities that were all his fault (okay, maybe not, but close enough).
Moving to another city? Do we keep the long distance relationship going, or agree to see other people and if/when we wind up in the same city together, then we'll go back out again? Well, here's my experience... long distance relationships work for awhile, but if you're broke students, it can be really difficult to maintain them. If you know of someone in the second scenario (see other people, same city get back together), then you just try to sleep with other people. Or something.
Did I mention that my brain is on vacation right now, and hasn't bothered leaving a note as to where it's gone or when it's getting back? It's true. I've felt pretty dumb all day. So, on that note, I'm going to crosspost some of this to UnCultured, and toddle off to bed after reading Watership Down a bit more. I'm about half-way through it right now, and as soon as I finish I'm going to push it on other people. I'm really enjoying it, and I think lots of people should read it if they haven't. It's dense, too, so even though I breeze through most books like nobody's business, I'm not doing that on this one, and that's a good thing, a good feeling. I like bunnies. :) I still need to read Charlotte's Web, but that won't take me more than an hour or so.
Packed weekend, looking forward to it. I'll post more as I get through more of it. :)
2002/06/25
Let's see, what was my weekend? Well, Saturday I did the trek in the hot air balloon. It was cool; we launched from Carleton University and landed in Aylmer. The only crummy part was when we landed in a field, at twilight, into the happy clutches of some mosquitos (or moggies as the British people on our flight called them) who hadn't seen human flesh since oh, I don't know, before the Ice Age? Urgh. Fortunately I was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt over my top, but it didn't stop my feet from getting chewed all to hell. And with my allergy, I was especially thrilled... and itchy. :P Ah well. The coworker and I dropped in to various houses (his and mine), showered and changed (separately, thank you very much), and then headed off to a wedding reception being held for one of the receptionists at work. She looked really good, really happy. The DJ was one of the jocks at work, so we were chatting and joking with him. He spotted me when I went to line up to catch the bouquet, and was talking to me through the mic from across the room. Cool. :) Then I had him call up the coworker when the men lined up, and that didn't please the coworker too much. Tough! :) The funny moment was when one of the ushers/male attendants caught the garter -- even before he actually caught it, as it was headed towards him, he said, for all to hear: "Oh shit." There was much laughter.
Let's see... Sunday wasn't anything fun, just work. Lots of news going on, including a power outage, so everyone was calling to find out when their power would be turned back on. My mental reaction? Your power has been off for a half a fucking hour! Be more patient you tool! Also, when people were calling me to tell me/the newsroom about the destruction in Richmond and whatnot? "Yes, we've been reporting on it since five o'clock. Yes, we know, thank you." This was especially fun to people who called at 8:30 or later to tell me. You're hired, 'cause you're timely! :P :) What else? Highlights on the phone include the lady who was pissed at me because I couldn't transfer her to the newsroom, so I was quite rude to her (by my standards, that is), and then the guy who wanted me to have my newscaster repeat the story she opened with (in the same newscast), because he lost power and didn't hear it. Uh... sure, guy. Just for you. Then he got pissed at me because I wouldn't do it. Right.
Oh yeah... also finally revealed the presence of the tattoo to Mom and Dad. Mom was the one that I was most worried about. She was telling me that I had to learn to start dealing with things, because otherwise I'd run out of body. Also, she said she knew. Hmm... ah well. Showed Kim, she was pleased to see that it wasn't the one that she wanted to get, which is a line of pawprints on her lower back. Uh, sorry chiquita, but I reserved that one a long time ago. So, gonna have to step up the moves and get that one done sooner. :)
Friday night I went out with a friend to see Undercover Brother, and quite enjoyed it. Funny movie. We went to the local pub and chatted until 1:30, then went and sat in his driveway until about 3:30 and chatted some more. Finally had to take off 'cause we both had to get up in the morning, and I still had to get gas for the car. I was nice to Mom and filled the whole tank. :)
Today was pretty blah. Was thinking about not going to my class, but I figured if nothing else, I could leave at the break. Stayed for the whole thing, and it was fun. I like our prof; she's young, seems nice, entertaining. Kinda high-schooly teacherish in her approach, but it works, and it's summer, so I don't mind. While I was in class, I got a phone call from Jay's friend, but since my phone was on silent, it went to voice mail. He left me his number, and I was going to call him tonight, but I wanted to wait until I got home, and when I got home, we ended up having cat crises, and then Rob called just after 10 and we chatted for awhile. So, with one thing and another, I didn't get to call him. I don't like calling people too late, especially if I don't know their routines and all, so I figure I'll give him a shout tomorrow. I'm going to aim to get to yoga tomorrow, as well. I need the exercise and the release. Speaking of exercise... I read Di's site today, and she had posted some links to sites of people with anorexia (the first one is disturbing... people who have anorexia and bulimia and are proud of it or whatever scare me), and saying she felt bad about her body, which is awful, 'cause I think she's just beautiful all over... and here I am sitting here, eating tortilla chips. Ugh. I'm trying to cut back on chocolate and Coke, and for the most part I've been doing okay. I've had a few Cokes lately, but not the one-a-day I used to have (didn't have any for about a week or so), and I've been pretty good on the chocolate, although I did eat two chocolate bars yesterday. They were Kit Kats though, so not as much chocolate. ;)
Haven't spoken to the ex- since the day he told me to fuck off. I sent him an ICQ one day asking him if we were going to speak again, and then about ten or twenty minutes later sent one that said 'guess not,' and for the most part I've just been trying not to think about it. I took him off MSN that same day (I think; I don't consciously remember having done it, and he's not on the list, so...), and off ICQ a few days ago. It really bothers me, but I'm trying to put it behind me and grow past it. I have opportunities here, and maybe we just can't talk anymore, the way I cut The Ex- out of my life several years ago.
Sometimes I think I really am the horrid person that some people (those who date me) go and tell me. The coworker, the ex- and The Ex- have all said it, and sometimes I think it must be true. I just get so fucked up once I'm in a relationship, and then I fuck up those close to me. The coworker has told me on numerous occasions that he's not a bad guy, he's not this, he's not that... and sometimes I think, yes you are. And then I wonder, or is it me? *sigh* Sorry, can't get into the proper frame of mind to express the thoughts on that, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Anyhow, going to try to get some rest, maybe get some more reading done. So far, Watership Down is pretty interesting, and I like how it's written.
Kinda looking forward to seeing L again, he's back at the end of this week, IIRC. I was pathetic enough to have actually checked his schedule. I'm not a stalker! :) In the meantime, it's a busy week, including dinner plans Thursday night in Montreal with Ben. C'est cool. :)
Let's see... Sunday wasn't anything fun, just work. Lots of news going on, including a power outage, so everyone was calling to find out when their power would be turned back on. My mental reaction? Your power has been off for a half a fucking hour! Be more patient you tool! Also, when people were calling me to tell me/the newsroom about the destruction in Richmond and whatnot? "Yes, we've been reporting on it since five o'clock. Yes, we know, thank you." This was especially fun to people who called at 8:30 or later to tell me. You're hired, 'cause you're timely! :P :) What else? Highlights on the phone include the lady who was pissed at me because I couldn't transfer her to the newsroom, so I was quite rude to her (by my standards, that is), and then the guy who wanted me to have my newscaster repeat the story she opened with (in the same newscast), because he lost power and didn't hear it. Uh... sure, guy. Just for you. Then he got pissed at me because I wouldn't do it. Right.
Oh yeah... also finally revealed the presence of the tattoo to Mom and Dad. Mom was the one that I was most worried about. She was telling me that I had to learn to start dealing with things, because otherwise I'd run out of body. Also, she said she knew. Hmm... ah well. Showed Kim, she was pleased to see that it wasn't the one that she wanted to get, which is a line of pawprints on her lower back. Uh, sorry chiquita, but I reserved that one a long time ago. So, gonna have to step up the moves and get that one done sooner. :)
Friday night I went out with a friend to see Undercover Brother, and quite enjoyed it. Funny movie. We went to the local pub and chatted until 1:30, then went and sat in his driveway until about 3:30 and chatted some more. Finally had to take off 'cause we both had to get up in the morning, and I still had to get gas for the car. I was nice to Mom and filled the whole tank. :)
Today was pretty blah. Was thinking about not going to my class, but I figured if nothing else, I could leave at the break. Stayed for the whole thing, and it was fun. I like our prof; she's young, seems nice, entertaining. Kinda high-schooly teacherish in her approach, but it works, and it's summer, so I don't mind. While I was in class, I got a phone call from Jay's friend, but since my phone was on silent, it went to voice mail. He left me his number, and I was going to call him tonight, but I wanted to wait until I got home, and when I got home, we ended up having cat crises, and then Rob called just after 10 and we chatted for awhile. So, with one thing and another, I didn't get to call him. I don't like calling people too late, especially if I don't know their routines and all, so I figure I'll give him a shout tomorrow. I'm going to aim to get to yoga tomorrow, as well. I need the exercise and the release. Speaking of exercise... I read Di's site today, and she had posted some links to sites of people with anorexia (the first one is disturbing... people who have anorexia and bulimia and are proud of it or whatever scare me), and saying she felt bad about her body, which is awful, 'cause I think she's just beautiful all over... and here I am sitting here, eating tortilla chips. Ugh. I'm trying to cut back on chocolate and Coke, and for the most part I've been doing okay. I've had a few Cokes lately, but not the one-a-day I used to have (didn't have any for about a week or so), and I've been pretty good on the chocolate, although I did eat two chocolate bars yesterday. They were Kit Kats though, so not as much chocolate. ;)
Haven't spoken to the ex- since the day he told me to fuck off. I sent him an ICQ one day asking him if we were going to speak again, and then about ten or twenty minutes later sent one that said 'guess not,' and for the most part I've just been trying not to think about it. I took him off MSN that same day (I think; I don't consciously remember having done it, and he's not on the list, so...), and off ICQ a few days ago. It really bothers me, but I'm trying to put it behind me and grow past it. I have opportunities here, and maybe we just can't talk anymore, the way I cut The Ex- out of my life several years ago.
Sometimes I think I really am the horrid person that some people (those who date me) go and tell me. The coworker, the ex- and The Ex- have all said it, and sometimes I think it must be true. I just get so fucked up once I'm in a relationship, and then I fuck up those close to me. The coworker has told me on numerous occasions that he's not a bad guy, he's not this, he's not that... and sometimes I think, yes you are. And then I wonder, or is it me? *sigh* Sorry, can't get into the proper frame of mind to express the thoughts on that, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Anyhow, going to try to get some rest, maybe get some more reading done. So far, Watership Down is pretty interesting, and I like how it's written.
Kinda looking forward to seeing L again, he's back at the end of this week, IIRC. I was pathetic enough to have actually checked his schedule. I'm not a stalker! :) In the meantime, it's a busy week, including dinner plans Thursday night in Montreal with Ben. C'est cool. :)
2002/06/22
Sorry about the lack of anything interesting or especially ranty. I've just been internalizing a lot lately, and not wanting to talk or write about it. Maybe not the best attitude, but I'm just kinda tired of it all. Tired, tired, tired. And some more tired. I don't sleep well or enough, I have fun when I'm out with friends (like last night), but overall, just tired. I got my schedule for work for the summer, although it's not set in stone... no more Ultimate for me Thursday nights, since I work all of them for about a month or more. Yay for 7-day weeks! Fuck.
Started up my children's lit course, so that'll keep me busy for awhile. I started the reading, but the first fairy tale I have to read is written in Olde English, which is just a nuisance and a half.
Got the hot air balloon ride tonight, so that's going to be fun. Of course, I forgot my camera, so I'm going to be calling the coworker and seeing if perhaps he'd pick it up for me. If not, I might buy a cheapo camera, so it doesn't matter if it gets dropped. :)
I'm back at that point of wanting to run away from my life and my world and everyone and everything. I was talking to Jay the other day, and he might be setting me up with a friend of his. It's funny. :)
I've run into or hung out with various people that I know from school years past (elementary, high school, etc.), and I realized that I'm bitter about relationships right now. I want to move past that, but who knows if/when I will.
Anyhow, back to not being in the studio when I'm working.
Started up my children's lit course, so that'll keep me busy for awhile. I started the reading, but the first fairy tale I have to read is written in Olde English, which is just a nuisance and a half.
Got the hot air balloon ride tonight, so that's going to be fun. Of course, I forgot my camera, so I'm going to be calling the coworker and seeing if perhaps he'd pick it up for me. If not, I might buy a cheapo camera, so it doesn't matter if it gets dropped. :)
I'm back at that point of wanting to run away from my life and my world and everyone and everything. I was talking to Jay the other day, and he might be setting me up with a friend of his. It's funny. :)
I've run into or hung out with various people that I know from school years past (elementary, high school, etc.), and I realized that I'm bitter about relationships right now. I want to move past that, but who knows if/when I will.
Anyhow, back to not being in the studio when I'm working.
2002/06/21
2002/06/20
Jen, your Key Motivator, the thing that really drives you to success in life, is Connection.
Based on your answers about values, past behaviors, and internal priorities, we can tell you look for ways to belong to a group, to have fun, to care for others, to be the center of attention, or to be publicly recognized for your efforts. In addition, you may find that you're also motivated by aspects of prestige, stability, experience, and curiosity.
Based on your answers about values, past behaviors, and internal priorities, we can tell you look for ways to belong to a group, to have fun, to care for others, to be the center of attention, or to be publicly recognized for your efforts. In addition, you may find that you're also motivated by aspects of prestige, stability, experience, and curiosity.
2002/06/18
Forgot to mention last night, I miss the casual touches. L's touched/grabbed my butt a few times, and when we kissed, he had his hand on my hip, and it felt nice. Sometimes, more than sex, that's the stuff I miss. The cuddling, the being held. Holding hands with someone (which I haven't really done with anyone since the ex-), and that kind of thing. Snuggling, spooning. Had some of it with the coworker and it was nice, but there were gaps.
A letter to myself, then long rambling
Reality check. It's over. I've lost, she's won. No matter how many times he sees me and holds me and tells me how good it feels, no matter how many times he tells me he wants me and how he just can't love me because of our city situation, it's over. I've lost. He just wants to sleep with me. The rest of it he wants with her. Get this through my head, learn this one unalterable fact and just move on.
Have meaningless sex with all the people I want, date whomever I want, do whatever I want. Regardless of how much he may or may not get upset about you sleeping with other people, he doesn't want you because you don't live in the same city. He's started telling her about how he's fucked up in the head. Your role in his life is getting smaller and smaller. Sure, you were the first. Sure, you have the strongest affect on him. But that too will change. It's over.
Argh. Go, be alone. Or, go and find yourself a boyfriend. Find someone that you can maybe fall in love with or maybe just have a nice, comfortable relationship for awhile. Find a mad pash. Find no one or everyone or just yourself. But it's over with him. He's found someone else and maybe he'll find himself with her in a way that he never found himself with her.
You lasted awhile. It was good. Then, once you started to break up again, it got messy. It got complicated. Maybe, somewhere down the line, the third time will be the charm. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. There's no way of knowing. Him saying that if things were right you guys could exist is him just saying that to be nice and spare your feelings. Maybe it's best to not talk to him for awhile. Crying hasn't helped. Getting angry hasn't helped. Getting upset and stupid and feeling used and stupid hasn't helped. What will help? Hanging out with your friends, which you're working on. Making new friendships, also working on. Setting up dates for yourself? Sure, why not (no, I haven't done this yet). Gotta talk to the coworker and figure out what's going on there. Just be friends, if it can happen. It's what's best, for both of you.
Stop chasing the ever elusive next person who might get you off (the Holy Grail for you). Stop equating sex with love (well, don't think I've done that one for awhile). Don't sleep with people who just use you as a warmer, wetter version of their own hand. Find someone that cares about your pleasure, and wants to please you. Find someone that doesn't assume that you're like every other girl that they've slept with and that wants to find out what you like and what makes you feel good and wiggle and squirm and pant and scream. Find someone that doesn't rush to get you naked and enjoys kissing and getting all hot and bothered as much as you do. Find someone that respects your boundaries and doesn't whine or plead with you to go further than you want at that given time. Find someone that will be all the things in a sexual partner that you miss.
I do miss sex. I miss the incredible feeling of lying naked with someone, feeling their skin against yours. I miss the feeling of getting so hot and bothered just kissing that you're wiggling and squirming and itchy under your skin and dying to tear your clothes off, but you want the feeling to last forever. I miss feeling as if I was just going to go out of my mind if I didn't get touched right there (where ever there might be) in the next minute. I miss being naked and playful and goofy with someone and the feeling of having been really well fucked (pardon my language, but those who know, know). I miss feeling as if all I wanted to do was bring my partner pleasure and make him go out of his mind and groan and wiggle and squirm and beg (there was one person in particular that was just absolutely awesome for that). I miss going to sleep with someone snuggled up next to me. I miss feeling hair rubbing against me, be it my breasts, arms or legs. I miss that incredible feeling of being filled for the first time, especially after waiting for it for awhile. I miss feeling adventurous and having fun ideas that I want to try out with someone special.
There is something just incredibly incredible about a guy that enjoys giving oral sex. Like, really enjoys it. As in, begs you to let him taste you and doesn't care (seemingly honestly) if you do nothing to him in return. Especially given the stigma around it (and guys who don't know what they're doing), someone who honestly knows what he's doing, wants to find out what you enjoy and does and would just stay down there forever is just wonderful. I don't feel any shame or stigma about my bits (well, for smell factors that is), but there's just something honestly touching about someone that tells you how much he enjoys how you taste, and that he could eat you out all day and night... well, that's something great. I'm not pointing fingers :), but it's a really awesome thing, and for me, at least, was a really new experience. Back when it happened, that is. This is something I've just not gotten around to saying for awhile. :)
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, today's topic appears to be about sex. :) Sorry about that... I've been horny for a bit. My mostly celibacy continues. I say mostly because it's been a "everything-but" kind of celibacy, although for awhile it was an "everything-everything" celibacy. It's been going pretty well. At least from my perspective, I guess. Well, not really well. But that's another ramble.
So, what else? Well, I seem to let people close to me walk all over me and screw with my head. Then, when I stand up for myself (maybe not always in the best of situations), or when I act stubborn and obstinate, I fight with people. Likely because I don't always pick the best times to stand my ground, pride goeth before a fall and all that, but what the heck. At least I'm not snapping at people anymore, right? Hah.
Anyhow, I've gotten over my pissed-offedness I think, and it's definitely beyond time for me to hit the sack. Had some nice chats with a few people today, got the exam written, and unless I barely pass or totally fail it, I should pass the course nicely. Here's hoping for something in the As, but I'll be satisfied (although surprised) with something C+ at minimum (since that's what I need to pass my course and all). The next course, children's lit, starts on Wednesday, so no break for the wicked, but at least it's easy. Efforts to get together with friends are progressing nicely, and I think I'll try to make some kind of outing with the piercer in the near future. Called him again today (after speaking to him very very briefly on Sunday, as noted), but got his voice mail. I might actually swing by the studio tomorrow, who knows. My godfather is going to be in town tomorrow night, and I haven't seen him for quite some time, so I'm going to make efforts to be home for dinner... which means leaving work a bit earlyish, especially if I want to catch an express. If I get my ass in gear in the morning, maybe I'll drop in on my way to work. Who knows? Especially if his teeth are all mucked up, he may not be in at work, so phone call first. :P :)
Kinda weird that I'm doing all this chasing, especially if I'm not sure if I'm interested or not, but I can't know unless I get to know him a bit better, right? Right. S'all new to me. L is also going to be at work tomorrow, so I'll probably drop in and say hi to him before I take off. He asked me for a kiss at work on Saturday, but I told him I didn't think it was a good idea, since we were both at work, and the timing would have been awful had I agreed, since right as I was finishing what I was saying, my boss walked by the big glass window and came in. That would not have been explainable at all. And I think I would have been sixty shades of red for a year or so. :)
Anyhow, headache's starting to come, so that's my cue to take off. Hope you all enjoy today's content (probably my longest post yet), and soon I will get to work on archiving all of these posts on my very own computer for my own diary purposes. I haven't written in my paper diaries for quite some time. Sometimes it's just easier to think as I type (as I usually do for essays); other times it's easier to hand write. Ah well... updates as they happen, as always. Take care, and I'll try to take my own advice (like taking care).
Reality check. It's over. I've lost, she's won. No matter how many times he sees me and holds me and tells me how good it feels, no matter how many times he tells me he wants me and how he just can't love me because of our city situation, it's over. I've lost. He just wants to sleep with me. The rest of it he wants with her. Get this through my head, learn this one unalterable fact and just move on.
Have meaningless sex with all the people I want, date whomever I want, do whatever I want. Regardless of how much he may or may not get upset about you sleeping with other people, he doesn't want you because you don't live in the same city. He's started telling her about how he's fucked up in the head. Your role in his life is getting smaller and smaller. Sure, you were the first. Sure, you have the strongest affect on him. But that too will change. It's over.
Argh. Go, be alone. Or, go and find yourself a boyfriend. Find someone that you can maybe fall in love with or maybe just have a nice, comfortable relationship for awhile. Find a mad pash. Find no one or everyone or just yourself. But it's over with him. He's found someone else and maybe he'll find himself with her in a way that he never found himself with her.
You lasted awhile. It was good. Then, once you started to break up again, it got messy. It got complicated. Maybe, somewhere down the line, the third time will be the charm. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. There's no way of knowing. Him saying that if things were right you guys could exist is him just saying that to be nice and spare your feelings. Maybe it's best to not talk to him for awhile. Crying hasn't helped. Getting angry hasn't helped. Getting upset and stupid and feeling used and stupid hasn't helped. What will help? Hanging out with your friends, which you're working on. Making new friendships, also working on. Setting up dates for yourself? Sure, why not (no, I haven't done this yet). Gotta talk to the coworker and figure out what's going on there. Just be friends, if it can happen. It's what's best, for both of you.
Stop chasing the ever elusive next person who might get you off (the Holy Grail for you). Stop equating sex with love (well, don't think I've done that one for awhile). Don't sleep with people who just use you as a warmer, wetter version of their own hand. Find someone that cares about your pleasure, and wants to please you. Find someone that doesn't assume that you're like every other girl that they've slept with and that wants to find out what you like and what makes you feel good and wiggle and squirm and pant and scream. Find someone that doesn't rush to get you naked and enjoys kissing and getting all hot and bothered as much as you do. Find someone that respects your boundaries and doesn't whine or plead with you to go further than you want at that given time. Find someone that will be all the things in a sexual partner that you miss.
I do miss sex. I miss the incredible feeling of lying naked with someone, feeling their skin against yours. I miss the feeling of getting so hot and bothered just kissing that you're wiggling and squirming and itchy under your skin and dying to tear your clothes off, but you want the feeling to last forever. I miss feeling as if I was just going to go out of my mind if I didn't get touched right there (where ever there might be) in the next minute. I miss being naked and playful and goofy with someone and the feeling of having been really well fucked (pardon my language, but those who know, know). I miss feeling as if all I wanted to do was bring my partner pleasure and make him go out of his mind and groan and wiggle and squirm and beg (there was one person in particular that was just absolutely awesome for that). I miss going to sleep with someone snuggled up next to me. I miss feeling hair rubbing against me, be it my breasts, arms or legs. I miss that incredible feeling of being filled for the first time, especially after waiting for it for awhile. I miss feeling adventurous and having fun ideas that I want to try out with someone special.
There is something just incredibly incredible about a guy that enjoys giving oral sex. Like, really enjoys it. As in, begs you to let him taste you and doesn't care (seemingly honestly) if you do nothing to him in return. Especially given the stigma around it (and guys who don't know what they're doing), someone who honestly knows what he's doing, wants to find out what you enjoy and does and would just stay down there forever is just wonderful. I don't feel any shame or stigma about my bits (well, for smell factors that is), but there's just something honestly touching about someone that tells you how much he enjoys how you taste, and that he could eat you out all day and night... well, that's something great. I'm not pointing fingers :), but it's a really awesome thing, and for me, at least, was a really new experience. Back when it happened, that is. This is something I've just not gotten around to saying for awhile. :)
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, today's topic appears to be about sex. :) Sorry about that... I've been horny for a bit. My mostly celibacy continues. I say mostly because it's been a "everything-but" kind of celibacy, although for awhile it was an "everything-everything" celibacy. It's been going pretty well. At least from my perspective, I guess. Well, not really well. But that's another ramble.
So, what else? Well, I seem to let people close to me walk all over me and screw with my head. Then, when I stand up for myself (maybe not always in the best of situations), or when I act stubborn and obstinate, I fight with people. Likely because I don't always pick the best times to stand my ground, pride goeth before a fall and all that, but what the heck. At least I'm not snapping at people anymore, right? Hah.
Anyhow, I've gotten over my pissed-offedness I think, and it's definitely beyond time for me to hit the sack. Had some nice chats with a few people today, got the exam written, and unless I barely pass or totally fail it, I should pass the course nicely. Here's hoping for something in the As, but I'll be satisfied (although surprised) with something C+ at minimum (since that's what I need to pass my course and all). The next course, children's lit, starts on Wednesday, so no break for the wicked, but at least it's easy. Efforts to get together with friends are progressing nicely, and I think I'll try to make some kind of outing with the piercer in the near future. Called him again today (after speaking to him very very briefly on Sunday, as noted), but got his voice mail. I might actually swing by the studio tomorrow, who knows. My godfather is going to be in town tomorrow night, and I haven't seen him for quite some time, so I'm going to make efforts to be home for dinner... which means leaving work a bit earlyish, especially if I want to catch an express. If I get my ass in gear in the morning, maybe I'll drop in on my way to work. Who knows? Especially if his teeth are all mucked up, he may not be in at work, so phone call first. :P :)
Kinda weird that I'm doing all this chasing, especially if I'm not sure if I'm interested or not, but I can't know unless I get to know him a bit better, right? Right. S'all new to me. L is also going to be at work tomorrow, so I'll probably drop in and say hi to him before I take off. He asked me for a kiss at work on Saturday, but I told him I didn't think it was a good idea, since we were both at work, and the timing would have been awful had I agreed, since right as I was finishing what I was saying, my boss walked by the big glass window and came in. That would not have been explainable at all. And I think I would have been sixty shades of red for a year or so. :)
Anyhow, headache's starting to come, so that's my cue to take off. Hope you all enjoy today's content (probably my longest post yet), and soon I will get to work on archiving all of these posts on my very own computer for my own diary purposes. I haven't written in my paper diaries for quite some time. Sometimes it's just easier to think as I type (as I usually do for essays); other times it's easier to hand write. Ah well... updates as they happen, as always. Take care, and I'll try to take my own advice (like taking care).
2002/06/17
I chatted with L a bit yesterday. He said kissing me was nice and he'd definitely like to repeat it at some point. He didn't mention his proposition again, and neither did I. We debated a bit about whether or not you could taste the cigarettes even after gum had been chewed, with me saying yes, of course. It wasn't so bad, but I could certainly taste it. He usually gets to leave a few minutes earlier than I do on Saturdays, and when I got to the bus stop he'd already left. So... I don't know. It's stupid, 'cause I can kinda feel myself developing a crush on him (or something)... some kind of interest, and it seems like he's treating this as he said; nothing more, nothing less. He's off next week for his birthday, and he's going back to his hometown, where his ex-girlfriend is; the two of them would be together except for the distance thing (living a few hours apart), so I figure hey, maybe he'll hook up with her while he's there, get some, and then rescind his offer. I don't know what to think.
Since it was his proposition, I think I'm going to let him bring it up again, first of all. And second of all, if the offer is made again, I'm going to have to tell him that I'd have to 'date' him for a bit first, before I was able to get naked with him. I don't know him well enough to think that just jumping into bed naked would be fun. I know that I just seem to enjoy sex more with someone that I have a larger connection with, and I need to be able to talk to them. The coworker and the ex- were good at that... I wasn't so good at doing that with the pizza guy, which was my fault.
Ah well.. nothing to say, really. Chatted a bit with Dan, but he was on his way home from something in the States; couldn't really tell. Apparently he really mucked up his teeth 'cause some kid crashed into him, so that's going to be interesting to see (if I do). I know he's said I should swing by the studio, but it's not exactly on the beaten path for me. We'll see. Maybe if I feel confident in my studying, I'll drop in on my way to class. Who knows? :P
Been turmoil back and forth with the coworker, and it's just annoying. I should sit down and talk to him, but I'm not sure what there is to say, and I'm not sure how to say it. For now... well, I guess I just keep waiting.
Anyhow, I'm going to read for a bit and crash. Try and get an early night so I don't oversleep tomorrow. Then, so long as I study well and pass... this class is history! I can't wait. Here's hoping. *crosses fingers*
Since it was his proposition, I think I'm going to let him bring it up again, first of all. And second of all, if the offer is made again, I'm going to have to tell him that I'd have to 'date' him for a bit first, before I was able to get naked with him. I don't know him well enough to think that just jumping into bed naked would be fun. I know that I just seem to enjoy sex more with someone that I have a larger connection with, and I need to be able to talk to them. The coworker and the ex- were good at that... I wasn't so good at doing that with the pizza guy, which was my fault.
Ah well.. nothing to say, really. Chatted a bit with Dan, but he was on his way home from something in the States; couldn't really tell. Apparently he really mucked up his teeth 'cause some kid crashed into him, so that's going to be interesting to see (if I do). I know he's said I should swing by the studio, but it's not exactly on the beaten path for me. We'll see. Maybe if I feel confident in my studying, I'll drop in on my way to class. Who knows? :P
Been turmoil back and forth with the coworker, and it's just annoying. I should sit down and talk to him, but I'm not sure what there is to say, and I'm not sure how to say it. For now... well, I guess I just keep waiting.
Anyhow, I'm going to read for a bit and crash. Try and get an early night so I don't oversleep tomorrow. Then, so long as I study well and pass... this class is history! I can't wait. Here's hoping. *crosses fingers*
2002/06/14
Things are moving slowly on the Internet front today. Must be lots of traffic or something. :P Ah well. Last night Dad caught Shadow starting to squat in a basket of laundry that I had downstairs. He chased her out, but it turns out that either at that point or later she did hit it; she peed in it. I also had clothes stacked on my bed 'cause I'm too lazy to put them away, and she was lying on them or something at some point, and I noticed that she'd peed on them, too. Ironically enough, my Kitten shirt got the brunt of her wrath. She's a smart little bugger. :P :)
She was kinda hesistating around me when I was dealing with the laundry, so I told her I wasn't mad and she seemed to relax. Yes, I know, I anthropomorphize animals, but I just can't help it. No worries. So I did laundry and litterbox cleaning at 2 a.m. last night, instead of this morning, as I'd originally planned. :P It worked out a bit better, since this way I have clean laundry for tonight and I also slept in anyways. I gotta get moving, but just wanted to write that part before I forgot. Rest of my updates come later, and so far no message from the piercer. *shrug* Ah well.
She was kinda hesistating around me when I was dealing with the laundry, so I told her I wasn't mad and she seemed to relax. Yes, I know, I anthropomorphize animals, but I just can't help it. No worries. So I did laundry and litterbox cleaning at 2 a.m. last night, instead of this morning, as I'd originally planned. :P It worked out a bit better, since this way I have clean laundry for tonight and I also slept in anyways. I gotta get moving, but just wanted to write that part before I forgot. Rest of my updates come later, and so far no message from the piercer. *shrug* Ah well.
Urgh. Today hasn't been the best of days. I woke up with a really wicked stomach ache this morning (at 9:30!) and no way of explaining it. Ate some oatmeal, 'cause it felt almost like hunger pains to the nth degree (without the rumbling stomach), and that seemed to help somewhat. I think I just haven't been putting enough food into my system the last few days (at least according to my body), so it decided to get me back. Kinda scary feeling, 'cause now I'm scared to be close to hungry, since it doesn't seem to have that in-between point.
Spent a bunch of time just chatting with the ex-, playing truth or dare online, of all things (it worked about as well as it sounds), and then did a bunch of reading for my exam today and then just mucked about the house. As I was reading, I had a moment of falling asleep, so I went and stretched out on the lawn (I'd been reading in the porch prior to that), and had a nap for a bit. It was a nice feeling.
Had a bit of an argument with the coworker about how I'm tired of hearing him complain about his job (more to it, but I don't feel like going into it), and my dad, based on my synopsis of it, seemed to agree with me. Dad and I had dinner together, some tasty chicken stirfry, then my stupid sister ate the leftovers that I was going to use for my lunch tomorrow. Ah well. Went for a bit of a walk, too; I was going to hit the bar near my place and just sit and do some writing, but it was a bit busy and I didn't much feel like sitting alone... seemed a bit too pathetic. Went into the Loeb, picked up an apple dumpling, some sour apple o's and some cash for tomorrow, and came home and went out for a bike ride (I got back in around 12:15 or so).
Called Dan, but got his voice mail on his cell, so I left him a message. I was supposed to call him earlier today about a movie possibility or something, but I didn't really feel up to going out. I'm playing the game (kinda), and I don't know that I want to be doing it. Saw him Monday night (which I'll write more about later), we chatted, he gave me his number so I gave him mine, and then I called him Wednesday night. Kept having to call him back, since things were busy on his end, and eventually just basically gave up and he went to bed. I crashed an hour or so later, and haven't spoken to him since then.
Of course, since I haven't seen L since last Saturday (he usually works Tuesdays and I took Tuesday off for school stuff), he's been on my mind a bunch. I think I wouldn't mind dating him, but that wasn't what he wanted, so... I also, probably wrongly, think that maybe L is smarter than Dan... but I haven't spoken to Dan much in depth, so it's hard to tell. It's a weird situation that I haven't been in for awhile... just trying to get to know someone new, and usually when he has all kinds of distractions around him. I'm not sure what to make of him; he's really insistent that I call, which is kinda cute. At the club, he was all "make sure you call me!" and then last night when I called him the first time, he had to be going out for a friend, so he asked me to call him back in 45 minutes, and he said "make sure you call me back!"... so I think he likes me. Either that, or he hasn't had any in awhile and is thinking I'll put out, especially since he's already seen me with my pants off. ;)
Other than that, today has been seriously uneventful. I'm going to do some reading and then hit the sack. I want to be up a bit early tomorrow if I can so I can get some laundry done and look nice; tomorrow night we're going out to celebrate J's last day (more or less) as a security guard at work, so that should be fun. It's going to be another evening of drinking and being run down on Saturday... but hey, it's a feature show from 12-3 and not regular programming, so it's a bit less work for me. Huzzah! :)
I'll finish writing up Monday's events sometime tomorrow, if it's not too busy at work... otherwise it'll be Saturday. That way you get all the boring details. ;) (Well, it was a decent evening, with some excellent conversation featuring Ben. It's always nice when you know someone well enough to just talk nonstop so your throat is raw, as I said before. :)
Night all, and here's hoping for a fun and potentially flirty tomorrow. :)
Spent a bunch of time just chatting with the ex-, playing truth or dare online, of all things (it worked about as well as it sounds), and then did a bunch of reading for my exam today and then just mucked about the house. As I was reading, I had a moment of falling asleep, so I went and stretched out on the lawn (I'd been reading in the porch prior to that), and had a nap for a bit. It was a nice feeling.
Had a bit of an argument with the coworker about how I'm tired of hearing him complain about his job (more to it, but I don't feel like going into it), and my dad, based on my synopsis of it, seemed to agree with me. Dad and I had dinner together, some tasty chicken stirfry, then my stupid sister ate the leftovers that I was going to use for my lunch tomorrow. Ah well. Went for a bit of a walk, too; I was going to hit the bar near my place and just sit and do some writing, but it was a bit busy and I didn't much feel like sitting alone... seemed a bit too pathetic. Went into the Loeb, picked up an apple dumpling, some sour apple o's and some cash for tomorrow, and came home and went out for a bike ride (I got back in around 12:15 or so).
Called Dan, but got his voice mail on his cell, so I left him a message. I was supposed to call him earlier today about a movie possibility or something, but I didn't really feel up to going out. I'm playing the game (kinda), and I don't know that I want to be doing it. Saw him Monday night (which I'll write more about later), we chatted, he gave me his number so I gave him mine, and then I called him Wednesday night. Kept having to call him back, since things were busy on his end, and eventually just basically gave up and he went to bed. I crashed an hour or so later, and haven't spoken to him since then.
Of course, since I haven't seen L since last Saturday (he usually works Tuesdays and I took Tuesday off for school stuff), he's been on my mind a bunch. I think I wouldn't mind dating him, but that wasn't what he wanted, so... I also, probably wrongly, think that maybe L is smarter than Dan... but I haven't spoken to Dan much in depth, so it's hard to tell. It's a weird situation that I haven't been in for awhile... just trying to get to know someone new, and usually when he has all kinds of distractions around him. I'm not sure what to make of him; he's really insistent that I call, which is kinda cute. At the club, he was all "make sure you call me!" and then last night when I called him the first time, he had to be going out for a friend, so he asked me to call him back in 45 minutes, and he said "make sure you call me back!"... so I think he likes me. Either that, or he hasn't had any in awhile and is thinking I'll put out, especially since he's already seen me with my pants off. ;)
Other than that, today has been seriously uneventful. I'm going to do some reading and then hit the sack. I want to be up a bit early tomorrow if I can so I can get some laundry done and look nice; tomorrow night we're going out to celebrate J's last day (more or less) as a security guard at work, so that should be fun. It's going to be another evening of drinking and being run down on Saturday... but hey, it's a feature show from 12-3 and not regular programming, so it's a bit less work for me. Huzzah! :)
I'll finish writing up Monday's events sometime tomorrow, if it's not too busy at work... otherwise it'll be Saturday. That way you get all the boring details. ;) (Well, it was a decent evening, with some excellent conversation featuring Ben. It's always nice when you know someone well enough to just talk nonstop so your throat is raw, as I said before. :)
Night all, and here's hoping for a fun and potentially flirty tomorrow. :)
2002/06/13
I took it again and this time figured out that I could choose multiple options. Dur. :) I got gauntlet adventurer again, and then this one:
With apples, indeed.
 I am Mr Do.I am sedentary by nature, enjoying passive entertainment, eating when the mood takes me, and playing with my food. I try to avoid conflict, but when I'm angered, I can be a devil - if you force me to fight, I will crush you. With apples. What Video Game Character Are You? |
With apples, indeed.
2002/06/09
What's Your Sexual MO? Find out @ She's Crafty
"You love to be pampered and romanced by your men and things like cuddling by a fire, having an intimate meal, or having a long, deep conversation can always put you in the mood. Sex to you is usually more about the man your with than the act itself. Not a one-night stand kind of girl, newness and disconnectedness just don't do it for you. The mature, stable men you prefer to date appreciate your loyalty and big heart, but they especially love the way you inspire their more aggressive, protective masculine side."
Parts are certainly appropriate, considering my life. :)
2002/06/08
What is it about me that says, "Hey, I'm good to have a fun time in bed, but don't date me"? I just had another proposition today from someone at work. We kissed a bit, and then I was being asked if I wanted to 'take this further', and he said his place was free Monday night. I have a class, and I told him so, and I also said that I wanted to take things slow. He mentioned that his place is free lots of nights, and it's he's not looking to rush (or something along those lines). I don't generally (okay, it happened *once*) go from kissing someone on one day and screwing 'em a few days later. The difference in that other experience is that I'd been spending a *lot* of time with the person in question before we had sex.
Then he asks what I think of what's going on between us, whether it's going to be a relationship or just a good time, and he says he's not really into the whole relationship thing. *sigh* Neither am I, but I just want to date someone or a few someones for a bit. Not go from friends to lovers with little in between.
*sigh* Went to the pub near my place last night with the coworker. I ran into some people that I went to grade school with, so I was over chatting with them for a bit. Coworker got peeved about that, but I didn't really get into it with him. I can kinda understand where he's coming from, but I've had people do the same to me, so... I don't know. Whatever. Our waiter was really cute and friendly, and a bit touchy-feely towards both of us, but a bit more me 'cause I'm the girl (maybe 'cause he thought I was cute?). Turns out he lived in the area, so we were exchanging stories about high schools, though he's a few years older than I am, so that was likely a turn off for him. I did get some info on him from the younger brother of one of my old classmates, who just happens to work there, so I might try going back at another time (but soon) and see if I can see him again. I was actually very seriously tempted to leave behind my phone number, or ask him if I could give it to him, but he didn't come back to the table while the coworker was away, and I didn't really have the guts. I'm wimpy.
Here's been my pattern the last several months when it comes to guys: I meant nice, cute, interesting ones that are five or six years older than me (not a problem for me), but when they find out my age, I can see the doors kinda closing down. Problem for them. Conversely, people that I am friends with and whose company I enjoy, but am not really looking to further, ask me if I want to sleep with them but not have a relationship with them. Maybe I give off a weird pheromone. *grumble*
Stupid things going on with the ex-, but that's my life and it's not going to change. In brief, it's time to move on. If we get together down the line, fine. If we don't... well, fine. I'm not really at that point quite yet, but I'm working on it. I'm also trying to use this to enhance myself; get out more (hence the club expeditions), spend more time with my friends (and other sundry people who *don't* want to sleep with me... or at least are being nice and not telling me about it!), focus on saving up some money and eating better. I've decided that I'm going to try to give up Coke and chocolate (ack!), and day one of this decision is progressing nicely. :)
Monday marks the second-last class of this course and the club visit that my piercer invited me to. I've got a few friends that may be accompanying me, so we'll see what goes on at that event. See what Dan says/does. I'm just going to try to take things easy, and maybe put some distance between me and the other coworker until I can decide what I want. I like him, but do I like him enough right now to sleep with him? I don't know. Don't think so. Right now, I don't think I like anyone enough to sleep with them, which is why I'm at two and a half months and going strong, I do believe. And y'know what? I'm happy. I'm comfortable as I am, and if it turns out that I get stupidly horny and just absolutely have to have someone? Well, I have options, I guess. :P
Then he asks what I think of what's going on between us, whether it's going to be a relationship or just a good time, and he says he's not really into the whole relationship thing. *sigh* Neither am I, but I just want to date someone or a few someones for a bit. Not go from friends to lovers with little in between.
*sigh* Went to the pub near my place last night with the coworker. I ran into some people that I went to grade school with, so I was over chatting with them for a bit. Coworker got peeved about that, but I didn't really get into it with him. I can kinda understand where he's coming from, but I've had people do the same to me, so... I don't know. Whatever. Our waiter was really cute and friendly, and a bit touchy-feely towards both of us, but a bit more me 'cause I'm the girl (maybe 'cause he thought I was cute?). Turns out he lived in the area, so we were exchanging stories about high schools, though he's a few years older than I am, so that was likely a turn off for him. I did get some info on him from the younger brother of one of my old classmates, who just happens to work there, so I might try going back at another time (but soon) and see if I can see him again. I was actually very seriously tempted to leave behind my phone number, or ask him if I could give it to him, but he didn't come back to the table while the coworker was away, and I didn't really have the guts. I'm wimpy.
Here's been my pattern the last several months when it comes to guys: I meant nice, cute, interesting ones that are five or six years older than me (not a problem for me), but when they find out my age, I can see the doors kinda closing down. Problem for them. Conversely, people that I am friends with and whose company I enjoy, but am not really looking to further, ask me if I want to sleep with them but not have a relationship with them. Maybe I give off a weird pheromone. *grumble*
Stupid things going on with the ex-, but that's my life and it's not going to change. In brief, it's time to move on. If we get together down the line, fine. If we don't... well, fine. I'm not really at that point quite yet, but I'm working on it. I'm also trying to use this to enhance myself; get out more (hence the club expeditions), spend more time with my friends (and other sundry people who *don't* want to sleep with me... or at least are being nice and not telling me about it!), focus on saving up some money and eating better. I've decided that I'm going to try to give up Coke and chocolate (ack!), and day one of this decision is progressing nicely. :)
Monday marks the second-last class of this course and the club visit that my piercer invited me to. I've got a few friends that may be accompanying me, so we'll see what goes on at that event. See what Dan says/does. I'm just going to try to take things easy, and maybe put some distance between me and the other coworker until I can decide what I want. I like him, but do I like him enough right now to sleep with him? I don't know. Don't think so. Right now, I don't think I like anyone enough to sleep with them, which is why I'm at two and a half months and going strong, I do believe. And y'know what? I'm happy. I'm comfortable as I am, and if it turns out that I get stupidly horny and just absolutely have to have someone? Well, I have options, I guess. :P
2002/06/06
So, went to the club opening last night, and I'm glad I did. We had free drinks all night! Wow. That was great. We all took advantage of it, too; I picked up a bunch of shots for us at one point, just 'cause I didn't have to pay for them. I like doing shots, but they're usually kinda expensive -- like, $4.25 for a shot when $4.50 gets you a full drink. The place wasn't packed; a medium-sized crowd, and it was a good thing; I don't like when places are too full. I feel pretty okay today... a little queasy, but nothing too major. I'm also mixing being slightly hungover with the first day of my period, so that's not the greatest mix, but I'll survive.
Security guard at work was kinda bugging me yesterday. He's always been pretty friendly towards me, and is like that with lots of girls (I've been told), so I don't put any stock into it. I'm not interested in him at all, so if he were to have said anything to me, I'd have said no thank you. Then I found out he has a girlfriend, which surprised the hell out of me (and many others), since he really doesn't act as if he has one. Apparently he and the jerk security guard have the girls at the ice cream hut freaked out, 'cause he's always going over there and asking if they want to be walked home. I'm not sure why the jerk has them scared, but I can certainly speculate.
So yesterday I was wearing my ass pants and a red sleeveless top for work and class, and then I changed into a sheer flowered top with a little tank thingy underneath. Both tops are kinda boob tops; the first one is snug and the second one has a low neckline. Didn't do anything special otherwise; I'd done my makeup that morning, my hair I just brushed, and I brushed my teeth. It was me, but with contacts (which I'd worn all day), and a new top. Anyhow, I went downstairs to the front desk to keep an eye out for Ben, because I'd never gotten the chance to really tell him where work was 'cause his phone kept dying. When I went downstairs, there were three security guards sitting at the front desk; one who's a good friend of mine, one who's engaged (and close to my age), and one who has a girlfriend (the one mentioned above). The two that have significant others were oohing and ahhing over the way I looked, and I wasn't trying to show off; I had my jacket somewhat in front of me and my head down. I went over to the phone to try to call Ben again, and J, the security guard with the girlfriend, said, "You're right, she must be wearing her whore underwear." WTF? First of all, you're not a close enough friend to me to be joking about my underwear; second of all, that's a highly inappropriate comment for someone with a girlfriend (in my opinion), and third of all, you're not going to see what's under my pants, so don't be speculating out loud about it. *grr* I tossed it off with a comment like, "Yeah, of course I am. So what?" or something, and just didn't really say anything else to him. Maybe next time I'll just give him a dirty look and see what that says.
He was standing behind me the other day and the coworker was standing in front of me, and J put his hands on my sides or something, and I tensed up and brought my arms up in a boxer pose, which is kinda normal for me. It's me being ready to break away if someone starts to tickle me or pinch me or something. And it's me being uncomfortable with him touching me, which he doesn't seem to notice/realize. He commented on how I always tense up when people touch me, and to some extent, it's true; I tense up when people I'm uncomfortable with touch me. :P :)
Ah, bugger. I keep getting dragged back into this whole thing with the ex-. Everytime I think I'm okay... something happens and just makes me sick and upset all over again. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
I need to get going on my day. I gotta get a good chunk of my work done on our part of the project, since I'm working until midnight tomorrow and doubt I'll get any real work done then. That means getting showered and dressed and heading downtown. If I ever finish this conversation with him, which I doubt. I'll likely wind up walking away from it if I can. Which I want to now. Fuck.
Security guard at work was kinda bugging me yesterday. He's always been pretty friendly towards me, and is like that with lots of girls (I've been told), so I don't put any stock into it. I'm not interested in him at all, so if he were to have said anything to me, I'd have said no thank you. Then I found out he has a girlfriend, which surprised the hell out of me (and many others), since he really doesn't act as if he has one. Apparently he and the jerk security guard have the girls at the ice cream hut freaked out, 'cause he's always going over there and asking if they want to be walked home. I'm not sure why the jerk has them scared, but I can certainly speculate.
So yesterday I was wearing my ass pants and a red sleeveless top for work and class, and then I changed into a sheer flowered top with a little tank thingy underneath. Both tops are kinda boob tops; the first one is snug and the second one has a low neckline. Didn't do anything special otherwise; I'd done my makeup that morning, my hair I just brushed, and I brushed my teeth. It was me, but with contacts (which I'd worn all day), and a new top. Anyhow, I went downstairs to the front desk to keep an eye out for Ben, because I'd never gotten the chance to really tell him where work was 'cause his phone kept dying. When I went downstairs, there were three security guards sitting at the front desk; one who's a good friend of mine, one who's engaged (and close to my age), and one who has a girlfriend (the one mentioned above). The two that have significant others were oohing and ahhing over the way I looked, and I wasn't trying to show off; I had my jacket somewhat in front of me and my head down. I went over to the phone to try to call Ben again, and J, the security guard with the girlfriend, said, "You're right, she must be wearing her whore underwear." WTF? First of all, you're not a close enough friend to me to be joking about my underwear; second of all, that's a highly inappropriate comment for someone with a girlfriend (in my opinion), and third of all, you're not going to see what's under my pants, so don't be speculating out loud about it. *grr* I tossed it off with a comment like, "Yeah, of course I am. So what?" or something, and just didn't really say anything else to him. Maybe next time I'll just give him a dirty look and see what that says.
He was standing behind me the other day and the coworker was standing in front of me, and J put his hands on my sides or something, and I tensed up and brought my arms up in a boxer pose, which is kinda normal for me. It's me being ready to break away if someone starts to tickle me or pinch me or something. And it's me being uncomfortable with him touching me, which he doesn't seem to notice/realize. He commented on how I always tense up when people touch me, and to some extent, it's true; I tense up when people I'm uncomfortable with touch me. :P :)
Ah, bugger. I keep getting dragged back into this whole thing with the ex-. Everytime I think I'm okay... something happens and just makes me sick and upset all over again. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
I need to get going on my day. I gotta get a good chunk of my work done on our part of the project, since I'm working until midnight tomorrow and doubt I'll get any real work done then. That means getting showered and dressed and heading downtown. If I ever finish this conversation with him, which I doubt. I'll likely wind up walking away from it if I can. Which I want to now. Fuck.
2002/06/05
Last night I was sitting outside, reading my book and watching the cats play. Shadow was on her leash and Digger was sitting on it. Then she wrapped the leash around him, so I had to remove it from his neck. Then they fought, and Digger ran out of Shadow's range. It was a fun display to watch, especially as they were both taking turns starting and stopping the fight. For those who haven't met them, Shadow is a calico with a fair amount of white to her. Digger is an orange and white tabby, long haired. As I was sitting out there, my sister came out for a bit and was watching them too. Shadow kinda hunkered down to hide in the grass, and we laughed a bit, 'cause it's pretty funny for a fairly white cat to try to blend into the grass. Then my sister made the comment, "Well, at least we don't have a cat that blends into the cedars anymore."
I wanted to tell her to go inside and not talk to me. I wanted to tell her how stupid and insensitive of a comment that was. I wanted to tell her that she was supposed to be inside, watching dinner. I wanted to tell her so many things, but I just kept to myself and didn't talk to her after that point. She stayed outside for awhile longer, saying other things, but I didn't respond to them because I was in my own little world, going back over ground I've covered so many times before: how unfair it is that Chloe is gone, how she was such a sweet and precious cat to me, how much I miss her, and how much I thought her and Digger would be growing up together, brother and sister.
I ate my dinner, watched tv and snuggled with Shadow and read my book. She went to her music rehearsal, and then came home and got on the phone (big surprise, that having been her pattern lately... so, I assume she has a boyfriend or something that she's not telling us about). After awhile, I heard her off of it, as I was in my room on the computer at that point, so I called up a friend and asked him if he wanted to go to the local pub with me. I wanted to get out of the house and just sit in a bar, not even necessarily drink, and I knew that if I went alone, I'd likely be given a hard time about it. We didn't wind up going, but we did talk on the phone for a few hours and it was good. I felt better afterwards. It wasn't so much that I was still upset with my sister, although maybe somewhat... I just ... bah.
Chatting with a few of the security guards from work Sunday night, as I was leaving, and they made the comment that their friend, with whom I thought I'd hit it off awhile ago, was getting a bit desperate for female companionship. So, as is frequently my case, even the desperate guy isn't interested in me. That's why it's such a novelty for me when someone does hit on me, and I'm always careful to try to determine if they want me for me or if I'm simply a convenient pair of boobs (and not very large ones at that). :)
There's a club opening up tonight, and I have an invite to it that I received through work. I'm debating inviting various people to accompany me to the opening, but I'm not sure who, and what with it being extremely last minute, I'm sure I'll have a hard time finding someone. We'll have to see what happens... in which case, I'll update here. :)
For now, I'm off to get ready for the day. I woke up a bit early today, and I'm trying to capitalize on it.
I wanted to tell her to go inside and not talk to me. I wanted to tell her how stupid and insensitive of a comment that was. I wanted to tell her that she was supposed to be inside, watching dinner. I wanted to tell her so many things, but I just kept to myself and didn't talk to her after that point. She stayed outside for awhile longer, saying other things, but I didn't respond to them because I was in my own little world, going back over ground I've covered so many times before: how unfair it is that Chloe is gone, how she was such a sweet and precious cat to me, how much I miss her, and how much I thought her and Digger would be growing up together, brother and sister.
I ate my dinner, watched tv and snuggled with Shadow and read my book. She went to her music rehearsal, and then came home and got on the phone (big surprise, that having been her pattern lately... so, I assume she has a boyfriend or something that she's not telling us about). After awhile, I heard her off of it, as I was in my room on the computer at that point, so I called up a friend and asked him if he wanted to go to the local pub with me. I wanted to get out of the house and just sit in a bar, not even necessarily drink, and I knew that if I went alone, I'd likely be given a hard time about it. We didn't wind up going, but we did talk on the phone for a few hours and it was good. I felt better afterwards. It wasn't so much that I was still upset with my sister, although maybe somewhat... I just ... bah.
Chatting with a few of the security guards from work Sunday night, as I was leaving, and they made the comment that their friend, with whom I thought I'd hit it off awhile ago, was getting a bit desperate for female companionship. So, as is frequently my case, even the desperate guy isn't interested in me. That's why it's such a novelty for me when someone does hit on me, and I'm always careful to try to determine if they want me for me or if I'm simply a convenient pair of boobs (and not very large ones at that). :)
There's a club opening up tonight, and I have an invite to it that I received through work. I'm debating inviting various people to accompany me to the opening, but I'm not sure who, and what with it being extremely last minute, I'm sure I'll have a hard time finding someone. We'll have to see what happens... in which case, I'll update here. :)
For now, I'm off to get ready for the day. I woke up a bit early today, and I'm trying to capitalize on it.
2002/06/04
Sorry about the lack of updates. I've been busy the last few days, and I don't always like to update from work 'cause the coworker reads over my shoulder at times. That bothers me, when he's reading my ICQ conversations with my ex- and asking me questions about them (sometimes). Been trying to deal with the whole kinda wanting to be with the pizza guy/kinda wanting to be by myself thing. Since I don't seem to be terribly strong to one side or the other, I've been staying in the middle and just staying as me. So far, it seems to be working out.
Anyhow, gotta get moving to get to work, but I'll do an update soon, I promise.
Anyhow, gotta get moving to get to work, but I'll do an update soon, I promise.
2002/06/02
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
