So the other night I was contemplating going back on the pill to keep or put my sex drive in check.

This may constitute a crime against humanity, I'm not sure.

All I know is, it's very frustrating being ready to go all the time, especially when you aren't getting laid as much as you might like.

And I know, the male readers of my site are currently playing me the tiniest violin, yelling at the monitor, throwing things, having no sympathy, telling me I understand maybe just a little bit how they feel, etc., etc.

Of course, I've also discovered that doing things like fantasizing rape scenarios (if you don't understand it, I'm not going to try to explain it) during long, boring meetings certainly makes them much more tolerable.

Damnit, I had something else I was going to write, but now I've forgotten what it was. I hate my brain sometimes, although I suspect it would like me more if I gave it more sleep on occasion.

I also hate javascript for now; the final assignment for the online course I was doing was a bit of a bitch. I ended up calling my dad for help; fortunately, my dad he is a computer geek.

Speaking of being a geek... *sigh* For the majority of my life, I bit my nails. More or less immediately after the Smooshy and I broke up, I stopped, and for the most part, I've been able to maintain that (let's ignore the two nails I bit off today). I'm still getting used to looking after them; half the time I just tear them off and then file them down. The rest of the time, I'm okay at the cutting and filing. The problem is finding some nice balance -- as it stands, it's tough to balance them being 'pretty' and them not being a royal pain in the butt when I'm trying to type, especially on the laptop.

Granted, that's not the best example of geekiness, but cut me some slack -- I'm exhausted and probably going to bed soon.

I feel sometimes as if there's not much point to my updating. I mean, it's nice to get my thoughts out for the 3-4 people who read this to see, and sometimes I write something that apparently people can relate to, but for the most part... urgh. Markuk has said he wants to see me with a byline somewhere, and that he doesn't feel my thesis will be sufficient (ass), but it's hard sometimes to feel motivated to write when I don't even know if I'm being read. Hell, I can barely get the motivation to work on my thesis most nights, and I know that's going to be read by at least 3-4 people on the graduate committee, if I ever make it to that point.

I just don't want to chance losing any creative abilities I might have to the governmentese that I have to spew out on occasion. I have such a hard time taking anything like that seriously, which can hinder me at work sometimes, I'm sure. I'm tempted to simply write a few paragraphs of a story and email it to Rune and have him contribute -- no purpose, no thought, just write and bounce back and forth, and see where it goes. Meghan and I did that in high school, and it was a lot of fun, and infamous amongst our group of friends. :)

Anyhow, I'm babbling and yawning, so I guess it's time to pack it in. I just want a vacation from my obligations so that I can invest time in my hobbies. The problem is I let myself get overwhelmed by things, or I bore of them, and then it becomes impossible to focus on any one thing. Let's face it, how many knitting projects do I have just sitting around right now? :P But that's because I need some help from my mom on finishing things again... either that, or find someone who likes sewing up knitting and let them at it. ;)

My own meme (and a desperate bid for attention!). Leave a Valentine's Day message for me in the 021407 community, either under my user ID or name, and I'll do the same for you in return. :)

And it looks like I'll probably be throwing another "Fuck the couples, we're the singles!" party this year. Last year's ice cream and bad romantic movies seemed to go over okay, so perhaps a similar theme this year will be carried out. Details to follow.

In other news, I'm still alive and kicking. I don't really have a valid excuse for not updating, just a whole bunch of brain hurtings going on. As previously alluded to, I had a long chat with some friends on the weekend that either left them upset with me for how I was saying things, or they were just teasing me because that's what we do. Especially for a communications grad, I find it very challenging to express myself sometimes; that's why I love the written word so much, because I can pick and choose my words over and over again, and I can't get interrupted, and my words can't get twisted the same way. One of the things I find so frustrating about my friends is when I'm trying to get a serious point across, and they're so busy teasing me and joking about what I'm saying that they put words in my mouth and sometimes even get offended for things I'm not saying -- just things they're saying 'on my behalf.'

That's something that got between the Pompous Ass and I, too.

Holy fuck is my brain a mess right now. I love that in the absence of drama, I start to create it within myself. Like my brain says, oh, things with your friends are fairly stable right now? Right. I'm going to throw a whole bunch of confusing emotions, wants, needs and thoughts your way. Hahaha, fuck you, that's what you get for wasting my grey matter on crap television and so on.

I'm trying very hard to work through what I want right now, and I'm just spinning in circles. So in the meantime, I'm trying to keep from making any snap judgements and just give things time to play out. Maybe by then I'll have the ovaries to step up and say, "this is what I want" and see how the chocolate chips fall, and be able to deal with the inevitable fallout when the response is something akin to, "That's nice, fuck off."

As you can see, I'm anticipating a positive reaction. Seems only fair.

Anyhow, I have a long day of work and javascripting ahead of me tomorrow. Stupid final assignments. At least I'm doing well in the course; now I just get to sweat the final exam, after I finish all of my quick CSS-cramming. Urgh, my brain meats are full -- and that's without the thesis hanging over my head. I love stress!

Also, not that I know this first-hand or anything, but having thong underwear torn off your body can give you a wedgie like a sumbitch.

I swear I'm doing work today, too...

An entertaining series of ads for a spay/neuter campaign. Although I don't approve of the declawing of cats, I do approve of the humour in these. :)

Ganked from Pompous Ass, 'cause I'm bored and I can:

1. How old will you be in five years?
Thirty-one. I'm old.

2. Do you think you will be married by then?
Doesn't look likely.

3. How tall are you?
5'2", every inch adorable.

4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
Going to Toronto for my CSS course, making it that much further out of winter.

5. What's the last movie you saw in theater?
Stomp the Yard.

6. Who was the last person you called?
My dad

7. Who was the last person to call you?
Pompous Ass

9. Do you prefer to call or text?
Call's cheaper, texting's more convenient sometimes

10. Do you have any pets?
Yep, two cats

11. What were you doing at 12am last night?
Chatting online, fearing I had a UTI.

12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
Married.

13. When is the last time you saw your mom?
Over the Christmas holidays, I think.

14. What color are your eyes?
Blue

15. What time did you wake up today?
8:00

16. What are you wearing right now?
Purple Izod sweater, cream long-sleeeved shirt, jeans, probably some underwear

17. What's your favorite Christmas song?
Tubular bells, and Wizards in Winter by Trans-Siberian Orchestra

18. Where is your favorite place to be?
Curled up someplace warm and cozy

19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
Anywhere I'm cold or uncomfortable

20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
Greece, Australia, Hawaii, France, Italy

21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
Hopefully in a house filled with light, books, cats, pictures of loved ones and maybe a husband and a wee one or two running around.

More than likely in a box in the ground after someone finally got fed up with me and did away with me. Currently money's on either Pompous Ass or Markuk.

22. Do you tan or burn?
Both

23. What did you fear was going to get you as a child?
The dark

24. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
Something in cat_macro.

25. How many TVs do you have?
Two

26. How big is your bed?
Double

27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
Both. I'm living large, baby!

28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
Usually pjs, but when the weather's warmer or there's someone worthwhile sharing my space, I can do nakers.

29. What color are your sheets?
Light blue.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
Four if you count the body pillow. Six if you count the cats.

32. What do you like about fall?
The burning wood/fireplace smell you get sometimes.

33. What do you like about winter?
Being curled up in a pile of warm blankets with a good book or a hot body. Reminiscing on the nice times I had with Moose -- I usually think about him this time of year.

34. What do you like about the summer?
Pretty much everything, except maybe that I can't find flattering shorts. Balmy nights that are perfect for sitting outside with friends until the wee hours, talking and laughing about nothing. Outdoor sex. Leaving my place in the morning without needing a jacket or anything to keep me warm. Letting my cats out on their leashes and seeing Thena sleep under the leaves of the bushes that surround our patio.

35. What do you like about spring?
Knowing that summer is on its way.

37. How many cities/towns have you lived in?
Two, Halifax and here.

38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
Any of the above. I've made Pompous Ass keep his socks on during sex 'cause it amuses me.

39. Are you a social person?
I have my moments.

40. What was the last thing you ate?
Working through some leftover verenekes now.

41. What is your favorite restaurant?
I'm fond of Kelsey's garlic cheese bread. I like thai, phantasy (my name for it), various others... depends on mood.

47. Do you like coffee?
Only cappuccinos so far. I'm working my way up slowly.

48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
Probably 2-3. Need to do more of this.

50. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
I love spooning and cuddling, but I like to sleep on my stomach. If they don't hog the bed or toss and turn too much, with.

51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
I'm finally starting to move around more, so not really.

52. Do you know how to play poker?
Sort of.

53. Do you like to cuddle?
I'm powered by cuddling, and people love to cuddle me. Small stature for the win!

55. Do you have an addictive personality?
At times.

59. Do you want kids?
The sixty-four thousand dollar question, isn't it? Not yet.

61. Have you ever gotten stitches?
For my two oral surgeries (yes, I said oral).

63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
Ocean if it's warm.

64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats?
Window so I can sleep.

65. Do you know how to drive stick?
I am the master of the stick. Yes, pun away.

66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
Books.

67. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
24/7? No.

68. What is your favorite TV show?
Well, considering I'm doing my thesis on it, I'd probably have to say Buffy. But I love Gilmore Girls (shut it), House, Futurama, Family Guy, Angel, Scrubs, Animaniacs, CSI... not that I watch a lot of tv or anything.

69. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
I'm counting on being attacked by a big bear soon.

70. Do you flirt a lot?
I've been told so.

71. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Honey or honey garlic.

72. What is your favorite food?
Italian.

73. What is your usual bedtime?
11-12, though I'm trying to make it earlier.

That's right, watch yourselves (stolen from funkym):

Probability of killing, 40%

So you have problems with enemies, maybe dont have a high enough self-esteem, or play a few violent videogames. Cutting it a little close there. Try to keep your cool, alright?

Are you capable of killing

I want to make a semi-drunken update about the state of the world today and my poor place in it, but I'm on a friend's computer and not feeling my most articulate.

Suffice it to say that it's been an interesting weekend so far with some curious insights. Chief among them is the realization that there are people who do perhaps envy my way of life, though I'm still skeptical. I think it's more to do with us simply being envious of that which other people have, and maybe it's thought that I have things others don't. Unlikely, but possible, I guess.

I've also come to some curious semi-realizations about the Arrogant Bastard, and I'm not even sure what the eventual conclusions are, so I will refrain from really saying much of anything. Basically... the problems would still be there, so shut up brain/hormones.

Anyhow, it's late and I might be leaving here soon, so I'll stay at this so far. Maybe the Newf has the right idea with this whole abstinence thing; I know that my dating strike has begun, so maybe abstinence should accompany it. Of course, then who knows what might happen to a likely candidate?

There are no likely candidates. There won't ever be any. I've accepted it -- single forever. :P

Have you ever done something so awesome that you want to tell everyone, but at the same time you suspect that they're tired of you revealing too much or just don't want to hear it?

I called up someone (probably the one who would most appreciate it) and left a voice mail of me masturbating and finally having an orgasm. It's kinda hard to do when you're nervous and worried that the machine is going to cut you off at any time.

I did giggle a bit before I hung up... that ties in a bit to his complaint about the giggle I have in mid-sentence on my work machine.

I've been sitting here with this window open all evening, trying to figure out what to write. For some reason, though I've been inspired by various things, nothing has really come to the fore.

The GLR and I were discussing potential new names for him the other night; he is quite upset that I thought that someone who had signed off as "Greek Literary Reference" was in fact him, and wants the name changed. A few options were suggested, but I've decided to go with the Pompous Ass -- and this is completely with his support and approval. That may occasionally get mixed up with Arrogant Bastard, but we'll see which sticks better.

I have a weird need sometimes to have know that people find me attractive. This often seems to manifest itself in unusual relationships with exes; on the one hand, it's nice having good relations with exes, but on the other, it can make for confusing post-break-up times. Or good ones, but no less confusing.

I also tend to torment myself. Whether it was reading an ex-'s blog, lj, old emails, msn messages, whatever after a breakup, or talking to friends and so on about it, I sometimes take on a whole guilt/self-flagellation thing when a relationship ends, regardless of who ends it.

I'm stuck in a weird cycle with the Pompous Ass (went to type Arrogant Bastard... I suspect that might be the one that sticks) now. We're back on fairly friendly terms lately, but the dynamics of our relationship have changed, and it's .. confusing me, for lack of a better explanation. But I'm also going through some hurt/anger/frustration that stems from the fact that he has a rather large circle of friends who did and do hate me as a result of how our relationship came about and the fact that it ended.

See, I understand completely that your friends are your support network -- hell, I have an amazing one, and I've abused it quite handily, though I do try to return the support whenever I think it might be needed. I don't really know what kind of a friend I'm considered, except by a few people who say it once in awhile. Yet another thing I worry about.

Anyhow, I know that the Pompous Ass' friends hate me -- hell, they hated me while we were dating. He certainly never shied from telling me, and it was fairly apparent from a few of them the one time I met them. It's a weird feeling, knowing that you're not accepted by people that are close to someone you're dating, and it's not an altogether pleasant one.

But he said that he cared about me, and that the important friends knew the necessary facts, and that they supported him, which is good. But... didn't always help my self-esteem any, which was already confused at the time for a bunch of reasons I won't go into, but the short version is that knowing someone idolizes you and is disappointed with the real you -- and doesn't completely hide it -- isn't always the best way to go through a relationship.

So why am I putting all of this up for dissection now? Because it's been on my mind a fair bit lately. Because I torment myself with this. Because I've been socializing once again with a few of my exes, and sometimes when you hang out with and have a lot of fun with them, or the attraction is still there, it can be difficult to remember why things ended, or why it's wise for them to remain over.

I had some sort of psychoanalytical thing about how I feel some sort of weird need to punish myself after a relationship ends, but I don't remember what I was going to say entirely. I know some people would advocate cutting all ties to exes, but not everyone I've dated has been a flaming asshole, especially in the last few years, and I don't always want to lose all ties to them. And not just because sometimes you need to spend time with someone who wants to fuck your brains out, even if you don't act on it.

I'm very tired of the dating cycle right now. It just doesn't seem worth it right now.

Okay, well, this is both sad and disgusting.

I saw Night at the Museum last night with the Newf, and had a great time. The movie was decent, the company was great, and we both had a lot of fun together. It's nice when you can part on good terms with an ex- -- I include in this the runner (though we don't actually speak anymore, I think because I turned him down for a booty call that one time), the GLR (who still needs a new name), Moose (though that took some doing)... this just goes to show that I do date good people, and I can end things on good terms. Sometimes.

I was having concerns lately about my perceived tendency to use people. I should say that the perception is mine; I worry that I use people, in many ways: leaning on friends when I need support, flirting with friends or past exes when I need a self-esteem boost, booty-calling exes when I need some lovin'... I've been in situations where exes requested sex and I turned them down for various reasons, but when I requested sex, I usually got it. Is this a sign of me using someone, or is it just a sign that my exes are more willing/able to put out than I am? Maybe I just caught them at the right moment.

It's a good Sunday when you spend most of it altered and otherwise unable to, unwilling to, or simply not needing to think.

I'm so bored right now I'm suicidal. If this takes the two weeks to resolve that they're talking about, I'll be postal before long.

*tears hair out*

Also, trying out something new over at Angry Apostrophe. Yes, it's based somewhat on me, no, it's not completely real life. We'll see how long this lasts. :)

I have to admit, as obnoxious as the increase in spam happens to be (though props to yahoo mail, 99.9% of it goes straight to my bulk folder), some of the subject headings are entertaining enough for me to keep them around for a bit until I finally blog about them. To whit:

"The climax isn't a martial arts showdown, however, but the clashing of two gargantuan armies."

or

"To mineralogy my candlestick"

Now granted, the majority of them are exercises in broken English or general requests for help, but these two I find somewhat... endearing, I guess. Maybe it's my twisted sense of humor, or maybe it's just my dirty mind.

I feel like such a genius now that I know a bit more HTML. Suddenly I can troubleshoot my site a bit better, and I can do things like detect changes in URLs that make for broken links in my archives. See, it takes someone with *real* skills in HTML to recognize that the removal of the pathname /archives/ in a URL will result in links that suddenly work once more.

Oh, that's right -- this isn't just a pretty face. It's also a pretty face that's plotting to do something awful to my neighbours, who despite being asked to keep the noise down, haven't done a damn thing to accommodate that simple request. Good thing for them it's actually fine in my bedroom, otherwise... well, otherwise, the ceiling would get a hell of a pounding from the Swiffer right now, lemme tell you.

That's right, I'm fierce, especially with the Swiffer. That thing kills more spiders than anything else in this household... *glares at the cats*

Yeah, it's past my bedtime and then some.

Well, for those of you who don't know (i.e., anyone I haven't already told), I'm now the slightly-ashamed owner of a laptop.

I say slightly ashamed because I already own a decent desktop system, and the main reason for getting a laptop is so that I now have a portable wordprocessor/internet time waster.

I didn't get anything especially fancy, and I did order it through Dell, same as my desktop, so all you haters can get your venom and complaints out of your system now. :)

I'm also learning about wan and lan networking, and I set up the home network myself (with some advance guidance from my dad, who set up the wan). I've had to do a bit of other trouble-shooting, because my laptop appears to have a personality disorder -- which just means that it takes after me, I suppose. :)

Life has been what it has been the last while. I've been seeing a bunch of some of my friends, and neglecting school (what else is new?). Last night Ben, Moose and I went to see Stomp the Yard, 'cause I love dance movies, I think step dancing and breakdancing is fascinating, and I know that Ben is into dance movies as well. :)

It's been frustrating at times trying to get plans together with various people; over the holidays was somewhat brutal, and there have been other days more recently with the same problem. I can't decide if it's in my best interest to stop trying, or if I should keep poking at people. I imagine I should probably instead focus on schoolwork, but... that's just too responsible.

I'm quickly growing to despise what I believe are new neighbours. Loud music late into the night; fortunately for them, I can't hear it in the bedroom, otherwise we'd have to have words. I was tempted to introduce myself the other night at 3 a.m., but it was quiet enough when I wasn't in the living room. I also have the behind-me neighbours who like to leave their alarm clocks on on the weekends and who can be rather loud, too. *sigh* I love the location of my apartment, but I hate the people around me.

I've also been told by Markuk that my laptop will only be a worthy acquisition when he sees my name on a byline somewhere. I'm not sure what he'll do if he doesn't, but hey -- I've been updating the Whore's Boudoir semi-regularly again, and I have a few more ideas in the works. Slowly but surely, I'll get back into this writing thing. Especially since having a laptop makes me feel like a writer; it's just a matter of getting used to this keyboard. :)

Anyhow, I think I should probably try to eat some dinner now. I'll try to come up with something more exciting to say later.

Entertaining is hanging out with a bunch of your friends, talking about sex and how much you want it/miss it, and watching the sex shows (not so much porn as documentaries) on television.

It's like I used to say to my friends who claim I talk a lot about sex; well, if you're on a diet, you talk a lot about food, don't you?

I'm conducting an informal poll to try to rectify and/or correct assumptions I've always made that I'm now learning are faulty.

Basically, I'd appreciate it if you'd comment with the answer, as long or as short as you'd like, to the question(s):

Do you masturbate?
If no, why not?
If yes, how often on average?

You're more than welcome to comment anonymously if you'd like. This will help me out in a future Whore's Boudoir article I'm developing.

Thanks. :)

Updated the Whore's Boudoir. Let me know if it doesn't make sense -- I was having trouble writing it, and I'm not sure I was as coherent as I might've liked.

Don Giovanni slept with thousands of women because he was afraid he wouldn't be loved by one.

Something to think about.

Happy 2007 peoples. I've declared 2007 to be the year of Lesbian Jen. I'm starting off slowly -- just eyebrows at ladies and so on for now, building to the big lesbian orgy on December 31, 2007. Come midnight that night, I will revert to Heterosexual Jen.

Of course the difficulty in this is that I do still like the cock. So we may never progress much beyond eyebrows at ladies. We'll see.

The streets outside are shit, so I'm hoping this forecasted +8 really does roll around. I spent part of tonight feeling as though I was going to cry, and I came close a moment or two, but a walk and a chat with a good friend helped a great deal. A later phone call also helped. The attention and compliments I've been getting from various people from my past and present has been interesting this week, and definitely flattering. It's comforting and heartwarming to know that I'm thought of fondly, or positively. It's also interesting to learn what positive qualities I have/had to people, and it's niec to be able to joke about a relationship or a sexual relationship with an ex-. I have a few exes I'm on good terms with, and I'm glad for once in my life to be able to be in that place. I used to always have problems maintaining a friendship after the breakup, and it's really nice that that's changed -- or is being worked on, in some cases.

Anyhow, in short, it's been a pretty good year for 2006, and I'm hoping that it only improves. Here's to great friends, great company, great ambitions, great times, and great sex. I thank you all for following through another sometimes-arduous year with me, and I appreciate your being here for the next part.