Had a nice sleep time yesterday. Got home, went to grab a nap at 6 p.m., set my alarm for 45-minutes later. My alarm went off, I shut it off and thought to myself, 'yeah, like I'm getting up now.' Mom came and spoke to me about 8:30 or so, and I kept checking the clock... finally dragged my ass out of bed at 10, 'cause I still had a paper to write. :)

I had a dream last night that I was out in the backyard and Chloe was there. I had a bit of trouble catching her, 'cause she'd decided she wanted to play, but I got her. She was walking a bit funny, as if she'd dislocated or broken her hip and it had healed on its own. I brought her inside, expecting everyone to freak out, and my mom was almost disappointed she'd come home (in my dream, I reinforce), 'cause she'd just gotten another cat, and having Chloe there made it four. In my dream, the other cat was full-grown and a long-haired light grey colour. I told Mom that this meant I'd take Chloe and Digger with me when I moved out, 'cause that way they'd be down to two cats themselves.

Odd dream. My subconscious is obviously still hoping... I know my conscious still is.

No time for an update just yet.. will write more later, like after I've had a chance to have sleep, at the very least.

Argh, argh, argh. I hate hormones. I hate being ruled by my hormones. I do too many stupid things because of them.

Geez, there are some sexist music videos around. Sometimes I'm just amazed at how much of that crap still exists, and it really gets my goat.

Okay, no coherent thoughts now. Byebye.

From my transcript for the semester... I just like the phrasing.

Comments applying to the Fall 2001 session :

Course failed for the honours program ( CMN3109 )
You must repeat the course ( CMN3109 )

I had to include the two, just 'cause I could be both... but the Adventurer was the first choice. :)

I am a Breakout Bat. I am an abstract sort of creature, who dislikes any sort of restraint. If you try to pigeonhole me, I'll break the box, and come back for more. I don't have any particular ambitions, I just drift, but I am adept at keeping life going along. What Video Game Character Are You?

I am a Gauntlet Adventurer. I strive to improve my living conditions by hoarding gold, food, and sometimes keys and potions. I love adventure, fighting, and particularly winning - especially when there's a prize at stake. I occasionally get lost inside buildings and can't find the exit. I need food badly. What Video Game Character Are You?

I'm feeling weary. *sigh* When things screw up repeatedly and there's nothing I can do about it, it makes me weary, apparently.

I wish I could have a nice, uncomplicated relationship. Something befitting my age and situation. I'd like to get picked up by a nice boy in university, someone attractive and intelligent and interesting that likes me and doesn't mind that the little things often bug the royal crap out of me... and whose little habits and whatnot don't bug me. Someone I can fall in love with and just be happy with.

That way I could leave behind all the baggage... all these attachments I currently have. Well, I'm kind of assuming that I'd just magically get over all of them, but if I can't do that now, who's to say I could if I did meet someone uncomplicated?

And there's the whole sex thing, which I can't even begin to go into. I'm just tired of all of it. Tired of sex, tired of relationships, tired of caring for people and feeling that I should do or feel different ways because they care about me... Argh! Damn obligations, damn conscience, damn relationships, damn shifts where I have way too much time to myself to think.

"Oh Mandy, you came and you gave me a turkey... but you sent me away, oh Mandy!"

Okay, more updates. Sheesh, if I stopped posting every two minutes, I might not have to keep updating things. :)

Turns out the job isn't really a go, since they can't afford to pay him what he's asking. This morning in the shower, I was thinking I should go ahead with the other guy until that runs its course. Then, met the coworker at the airport (I was going to pick him up, but his plane was getting in too late, so I was just there with his roommate, who picked him up), and I was thinking the other way. Argh! It doesn't help that the coworker insists on pointing out all the attractive women that he notices or has noticed (like the stewardesses on the flight), and I can't decide if he's doing that because he's a pig, because he's trying to make me jealous, or if he's just trying to show me that he's moved on or something. No clue.

Sometimes I hate this evening shifts, alone running the music... they leave me with too much time to think, and I've nearly wound or actually wound up crying for many of my shifts. Last night was a bit of an exception, simply because of the amount of hormones I had coursing through my system. *sigh* Some days, I really hate being a woman. :P

Ah well. Realized on the bus today that I have a paper due on Tuesday. Fortunately, it's only 500 words, so I'll see what I can do about writing it tomorrow before work, or maybe even during work. Shouldn't be too bad... although this week is going to be tough. Group meetings on Monday and Thursday, work every day but Thursday, papers due Tuesday and Thursday, and I have an e-journal entry to write for Wednesday. *sigh* And the e-journal thing is going to be a weekly event. February is going to royally suck. *And* I'm hoping to go away for reading week, although finances and schoolwork are starting to say that may not be the best option...we'll see. I do have the time off work, I just have to hurry up and finalize what weekend I'm going so I can get it off work!

Urgh. Conflicted. The coworker stands a good chance of getting a really good job offer across the country, where he last was before this job. I was thinking of making a go of a relationship with him, but I don't want to say that now, because I don't want to be doing it just because I want him here.

I'd really miss him if he were gone... we get along really well and when we're not being stupid, then things work out pretty well between us. I don't know... I have my fears and stuff like that. *sigh* I wish I could get my act together and my ass in gear and make things happen for myself! But it's tough. Argh.

Argh. Argh. Argh. Damnit. It's awful of me, but I'm kinda hoping they aren't making him a job offer. I hope he can get things moving out here, 'cause I know he's feeling pretty bored with his job, but I also want him to be happy, and if moving back and working doing stuff he'd really enjoy would make him happy, then who am I to whine? This isn't about me, it's about him. It affects me, but I want him to be happy and do what would make him happy. I know he'd be happy with me, and that isn't me being vain, just repeating what he's told me, but who knows how long a relationship between us would last? Whereas a job would hold out for awhile, probably. I'd hate for him to stay here because of me, and then if/when we broke up, he'd be still stuck in a job he was bored of, if things on that front didn't change.

Ah... well. More waiting until I hear what the story is from him, since he's going to the workplace today to find out what's going on.

Let's see, desires for the next little bit (i.e., between now and when I graduate :P)...
* Get my own place.
* Get a car.
* Get into on-air broadcasting.
* Survive this semester.
* Figure out what I'm doing relationship-wise.
* Spend some time with friends... if I find time. :P

I think that's it. I want to ask my friend about her house and the rooming situation, but I barely talk to her and I don't know if I want to be the one to bring it up. It might be weird, with her dating one of the guy's rooommates, especially if I start seeing someone else and having them over. I don't know. Argh! I'd love a place of my own. :P Later, if I remember, I'll check out the listings and see what kinds of prices I should be looking at for apartments, and investigate the additional costs.

Enough out of me until I know more. :)

A separate post

I just couldn't bring myself to put this crap in with that post.

I need to lose weight. My weight's at the highest it's ever been at, and I hate it. I just can't seem to motivate myself enough to find the time or the energy to do something about it, especially not when I have so much reading and so many assigments to get done this semester. It's awful, especially since they're not spread out -- they hunt in packs. I'll have nothing for two weeks, then two or three assignments in the same week... especially right around reading week. I have five things due in the space of a week, including something due on the first day of the break... so it means that those of us who are hoping/planning to go away for the week have to finish it even earlier.

Mind you, if the department isn't open during reading week, the prof will have to change the date it's due, so it'll probably be due earlier. One of my classes took a vote on when the assignment should be due (since that prof accidentally put it during reading week), and everyone wanted it before the break, instead of after. I can see the logic behind that, but maybe now they're regretting it, especially if they have a similar workload to me. Maybe not, since the majority of them are fourth years. *sigh*

Yet another of my profs has posted the course syllabus on his website... the one he gave us was for the other section of the class he teaches. The reading schedule is different for us -- there are two books to read, and for us, the second one comes into play much sooner. This means that for that class alone, I'm supposed to be reading about four or five chapters a week... a light week might be three chapters. Fortunately, I've already read one of the books (over the summer, but still) and most of the second one, so I'm putting the readings off for that class. I'm really not sure when I'll be able to start catching up in all of these readings, but I'm sure it'll help when I no longer work Fridays.

I'm a wild party. I get my Friday nights available and now I have to spend them reading. :P I hate stress. I hope all these stupid stress and frustration feelings and mild abandonment feelings are due mostly to hormones.

Anyhow, time to get moving. More later, when/if I get my various replies on my inquiries. :)

Why I like cats

There's something so soothing and reassuring about having a cat sitting in your lap, purring. Cats can't talk -- they can't tell us, 'hey, I like what you're doing.' But when they're in your lap, and they're purring and maybe kneading their paws, you know they like what you're doing. There's that kind of feedback. It's really awesome.

I used to watch Chloe washing her paws sometimes... the colour contrasts between her pink tongue, her grey and black fur and paws, and her (sometimes) green eyes was really beautiful to see. She has/d such a beautiful face, and I really miss how she's talk to me and climb all over me when I was around. I'm just hoping that someone has taken her in to their house, and they'll let her out in the spring and she'll find her way home. I just can't accept that I'll never see her again.

Oh yeah...

Last one, I promise. Been noticing that people aren't around as much -- one or two in particular. This is troubling, because I miss them wanting to be around me, but on the other hand, it's okay, 'cause I just don't have time for anything except freaking out. :P

I'm sticking with troubling, though. But everyone's been busy... one person I'm sure is either just testing me or busy himself, and would be more likely to confront me (eventually)... when I started distancing, he was asking around, instead of me. We'll see. *sigh*

So much waiting. Suckage.

And now for something completely different

I was checking out this jock's website today, and from the look of things, he might do voice coaching, so if my other boss doesn't pull through on the possible voice coaching lead, I might be able to get it from someone right at the station, who has taught at the Gonq on this very subject. Truly excellent. :)

Also... might email the lady that used to work at the station and ask her about where she took lessons, just in case the boss doesn't know.

I'd rather take the lessons from a stranger than from the guy that I know, but at the same time, I'm not horrendously close to him, so it could work out. We'll see on prices -- I have the feeling he'd probably give me a better price. If I see him tomorrow, I'll mention it, otherwise I'll email him and see what he thinks. For all I know, he doesn't even do it. We'll see!

Argh! Waiting. *sigh* I'll live.

Stupid freaking school stress... *way* too much crap to get done. Argh! Argh! I'll write about it later.

I like the Violent Femmes best of I picked up... good stuff on there. And Cake is still my favourite group. Excellent relaxing music. :)

Check out "Floop's song" if you get a chance. It screams Danny Elfman and overall just plain rules. I wish it were a full-length song, but ah well. It was about the only redeeming thing from Spy Kids (a friend made me watch it! I swear!).

I'm gone. More early classes tomorrow. I'll write more from work, once I get more updates. :)

For Sale

One sister, slightly used. Aggravating. Makes a good doorstop.

$0.50, or best offer. First come, first served.

All right, more news... and more news and more news. :)

The Gonq offers a continuing education course under the radio production heading, and it encompasses a whole wack of stuff -- announcing, commercial writing, production, etc. Now, bunches of this I already know from work, and production isn't really calling to me at the moment. Maybe I'll get on-air for a bit and decide I don't like that. I'm not trying to burn any bridges.

So, chance on that. Only problem is I'd have to leave my Monday class right at 6:15 and that might even be cutting it close... and if the prof hands out an assignment, then I'm screwed. The prof for the course said I shouldn't have too much trouble catching up, even though three weeks have passed. Coolage there.

My boss also mentioned another announcer that used to work at one of the stations here (now elsewhere) who took voice control lessons, which was more what I was looking for. I've contacted another boss to ask him if he knows where she went, 'cause that's basically all I'd want from the Gonq course. So, we'll see what he has to say, and what the parents have to say... the problem is that the next time the Gonq course is offered is next winter, and so I don't really want to wait that long. I'm not sure how long the opportunities here would be open. *sigh*

Ah well... more frantic updates sure to come! :)

Look at that, thought I'd done an update here, and I hadn't.

Okay, boss came by later that afternoon, and asked me about my email. He said that he'd give me his boss's usual spiel (his boss is the announcer's boss). He said when I can be as good as the people that I hear coming through production, I should put together a demo tape for them. He said with a log sheet, I can basically do an hour of voicetracking, and that would work well as a demo tape. And, if I have any questions, I'm to go to him and ask him about things, since he can explain to me when things get said and why. He said he's kinda busy over the next few days, but that I can go to him after that. He wants me to learn the basics properly, and build on that -- not learn other people's mistakes.

This is good news and bad news. It's good news because I don't have to rush right out and throw together a tape, I can wait until my friend gets back from his vacation to help me out. It's bad news, 'cause now I have more time to stew about this and think it over. Ah well. :)

I also spoke with my buddy last night, and he's going to coach me a bit, and he gave me some of the same advice that he usually does -- practice breaks, listen to a few of the female broadcasters for their breaks, stuff like that. I do think that I would be okay on-air, once I get the patter done and get over the initial nervousness.. especially since there isn't a crowd in front of me that I have to perform for. We shall see.

I had a bit of a bitch fight last night with a friend of mine... I'll talk about that later, when I'm at work. We have a meeting of all the board producers something this afternoon (probably), so I may have to hang around work and wait for that. Also gotta get to the bank so I can pay back John the money he lent me yesterday so I could get lunch. He's so nice. :)

Enough for now. :)

Too tired to be nervous...

Well, in a few hours I should know if I stand a chance of making it on-air this time around or not. Gah. I know the odds are really really slim, but I kinda had to take the chance, considering this is kinda where I'm hoping to take my career.

It may be best for me to do the program at Loyalist -- they offer radio broadcasting as a condensed 7-week program if you have a university or college degree, and if I ever survive the next year and a half (including passing that damn theories class that I failed!), I should be able to get a degree. Not just any degree, but a degree in communications, in case anyone was uncertain. :)

I really have to stop staying up so late. I was up until 3 a.m. last night talking to the bigger 'love' interests in my life (for lack of a better word). I'm thinking that I'm starting to lean towards the coworker now, because I think things could be good between us, except for that damn sticky detail where he loves me and the best I can come up with is that I care for him and love him as a friend. I'm not currently in love with him, at least not that I'm aware of.

Then there's the ex-boyfriend, the one a friend of mine named the 'mad pash of my life,' which is about the long and the short of it. I want him, and I don't want him, and I definitely don't want anyone else to have him. Argh. So much there, but I can't go into it... I have to go shower and get ready for work. I've already kinda slept away my safety zone (the extra time I allow before I get up), and although I could still leave at 11, I'd rather leave at 10:30, just 'cause.

Ah well... I'll post later today when I talk to my boss and find out what my odds are. The only problem is that if that 3% chance is alive, I'd really rather have my coworker produce the demo tape for me, and he's in Calgary until Saturday. I don' t know if they'd wait until Monday to get it, although there's always the chance. Mind you, we'd probably have to voice it Monday night, and it probably wouldn't be ready until Tuesday or Wednesday, so there's an even longer delay on that. Argh! I'm driving myself crazy with the possibilities here... and I don't even know if there's s chance. Gotta stop it.

Well, I did something last night that's either going to further my career in a really cool way, or go absolutely nowhere. So really, it isn't a risk.

I was talking with one of the broadcasters at work last night (Julie), and there are going to be some staff shifts in the next few weeks... basically, I put my name in to be one of the on-air people if they need someone for overnights. Ack! I know it may not seem like a big deal, but I'm not going to be telling anyone about it, just because I'm like, 97% sure it's not going anywhere, and I don't want to have to explain to everyone that nothing happened when nothing happens. Still though, since I've been there awhile, and I have a female voice, maybe... there's that 3% chance, basically. Julie's really sweet, and she's really outgoing, which is really cool. It's always nice when you meet someone new and can just talk with them. It's cool. She keeps telling me I'm funny because of things I say or explain to her... it's neat.

Anyhow, I just wanted to put that on paper somewhere other than in the email to one of my three million bosses. This would be easier if Dave were here, though, 'cause I think I'll have to do a demo tape, and he's the producer that I would want working on it, because I'm closest to him (hah!) and I know he'd make me sound really awesome.

I just wonder how this would fit into my schedule... eesh.

I spent a nice, lazy day today lying on the couch with a friend, after doing a bit of browsing downtown. We watched Evolution for its brainlessness, and then various televison shows (which ended up being Simpsons, That 70s Show, then more Simpsons) for their sheer entertainment value. I had to leave because he was playing chauffeur and had family responsibilities, and I had work, but it was a very lovely way to spend an afternoon.

This friend and I have appeared to have mastered the lazy times. We've spent other afternoons on the couch, just lazing and not thinking, with perhaps a bit of sleeping and eating or gaming thrown in for variety. We've also spent several hours lying on the roof of his car, star-gazing, one memorable summer evening that was the absolute perfect temperature. Oh, that was a wonderful time. It seems as if it's the only time I can completely shut my head off and not think and just mellow out and not worry about things I should be doing instead.

I need downtime. I work too much, I have school, I have reading that I have to do that I haven't really been able to start. I should have been doing that today, but I took the break instead. I deserve it.

This friend and I hooked a girlfriend of mine up with his roommate. It's great for them, they're really happy together, but it's meant that I can't talk to her anymore without her talking about her boyfriend, and dissecting everything he does or says when it's stupid, and gushing over everything he says when it's sweet. I'm happy for her, but at the same time she and I had just started to hit it off, and now time for her and I to get to know one another has been pre-empted by all this boy stuff. And neither of us are 'girly' girls, so it's something we make fun of ourselves for doing... but it still happens. And all of a sudden I feel pushed out... I really got that feeling today, which is probably completely unfair because we all had places to be, and it's not like I didn't have somewhere to be, myself.

I don't know... it's stupid because of my actual situation, but I can't help but feel somewhat unwanted right now, which is completely ridiculous, because right now I'm dealing with two different people that want to be in serious relationships with me, another one who wants me but doesn't want me (confusing, don't ask), and a few people who'd love to just be casually involved with me. I shouldn't complain... but I think I just want some friends right now, and they feel gone... although my 'boss' is getting more buddy-ish with me, and that's nice. She's a different nut to get to know, but I think we can be good friends, if I can get past the 'boss' aspect of things. :)

I think that's enough for today. :)

So, news. Sleep is good. Oversleeping is bad.

Note to self. Never again buy PoppyCock, especially not the chocolate kind. Very addictive.