Greetings from rainy Bedford, Nova Scotia. Trip's going well so far, minus the getting any sleep at any point, spent a big whack of money in Saint John (not Newfoundland, that's St. John's -- notice the differences? :)), and now I'm tooling around Halifax-Bedford-Dartmouth for awhile. Getting rid of the sister in two short days, and then there will be room to breathe in the cars. Huzzah! Here was the trip so far:
Tuesday, drove down to Saint John (about 14 hours in the car, including little stops here and there). Spent an hour or so in Bangor, Maine (not included in the overall trip time), and lost an hour in construction and accidents through Quebec. Stupid drivers. :P
Wednesday, shopped in MacAllister Place Mall, had a nap, visited the make-up lady and replaced my lipstick and got a new red one. Yay!
Thursday, drove to Bedford, got kinda settled in, went out to the Steak and Stein for dinner, and hung out some friends who are leaving this afternoon to go move into our place so they can visit one daughter and get another settled at school. Funny times. :)
J's living in my place now, taking care of the cats for me. Kinda funny -- Digger is apparently climbing all over him and waking him up at night, while Shadow is staying away and being all wound up and hyper. Digger's been through this stuff before, while this is Shadow's first time with all of us gone for any length of time, poor thing. My babies have traded personalities. :)
Anyhow, today is going to be mooching around the mall near Grandpa's place, as soon as I can get showered and fed and all. It's hard being here with Grandma gone... I know it's been nearly a year since she passed away, but this is the first time I've been in the house for 4 years, and the first year that she wasn't here. There have been some changes, and I think Grandpa's doing okay, but it was still weird for me. I thought I was okay, but that was back at my home. It's different here at hers.
I'll be writing some more on my own time and posting it later, this is just a quick update for now. Sister's busy hovering over my shoulder waiting for her chance to use the computer, so I'll finish it off now.
2002/08/30
2002/08/26
It's been a rough few days. Had some good conversations with Jay that really shed some possible light on things. I don't know how to bring them up, so I keep them to myself. It's great policy. :P *sigh* Almost started crying this evening, and I can't even pin it on a particular reason. Well, kinda and not really. It was suggested that perhaps the relationship is being sabotaged (either on purpose or subconsciously) in order to keep other circumstances from changing.
On a totally unrelated sidenote, spammers have got to be the most illiterate lifeforms out there. I just got a spam with the subject header "dripping in gism." That's just so sad.
Anyhow, I'm going back East to visit my extended family tomorrow morning, and I'll be gone for a week. I'm going to see how things are when I'm away and especially when I get back. I'm crazy about J, but... *sigh* I'm whiny, I'm demanding, I'm needy. I can't seem to get past this stuff. I wish I knew what to do to make this an agreeable situation for everyone, but I just can't seem to do that. Partly it would be best if his ex- was more cooperative, and saw that J is doing an awful lot more than he needs to, regardless of how you look at it.
Sometimes when we hang out I feel like more of a friend than a girlfriend, and I can understand that there's stress involved for him, but I don't know why it's stressful now and when we first started dating it wasn't. I don't know what's changed to make it that way. (Got some answers as I was writing, so this question at least has been answered).
While I'm gone I won't be able to do any updates as far as I know, but I'll be writing in my various books while I'm gone and I'll have all kinds of content here when I return. In the meantime, the birthday summary:
Friday was awful for work. Which reminds me, gotta email my hours to my boss, since I like getting paid and all. I had to train someone (long rant there), and then I got a whole bunch of extra work dumped on me at the last minute, so instead of being out at like, 5:30 or 6 as I'd hoped, I got out at 7:30. :P J and I met up with the crew for a big group dinner as opposed to going out just us (which had been the original plan), then all of us (minus one) went over to J's place afterwards to hang out and eat junk food and play on the playstation. Just before anyone showed up, there was a quickie (emphasis on quick, but hey, it's meant as a teaser), and then after everyone left, we slugged around a bit. I decided to pack it in around quarter to one or so, and J followed me in and insisted on making sure I was satisfied, as I hadn't quite been after the first time. Still had fun, but you know how guys are so insistent on making sure you're done... (okay, okay, stop laughing ;)). (Actually, I don't feel that way, I've had some good experiences and some bad ones. Some people have given up too quickly... others just keep trying, and I adore them for it. :)
Then we fell asleep and I got up Saturday for work. Saturday was the day I'd planned my dinner and bar evening for people that I'd invited, and I had a decent-sized crowd. We ate dinner lateish, then headed over to a bar nearby for some boozing. And more boozing. :) First we made a stop at a drugstore to see if they had any tiaras or such, but no go. Ah well. After a quick stop to J's car to fix my girlfriend D's belt, we were off to the bar. We grabbed a table, my friends that had gone to the candy store caught up, we started drinking. I've discovered I like chocolate martinis. :) Girlfriend from work showed up, she bought me a shot, I met D's friend, we were having fun chatting with him, he bought me a drink and a shot, we grabbed his ass and goofed around and danced together, then met up with the boys. Apparently one of the boys kept wanting to join us girls, and was taking a razzing from the rest of the boys who were playing pool. So after we joined them (me with my final drink of the evening), we were just cracking each other up, laughing to kill ourselves, and we kissed a few times for the fun and shock of it. :) Oh yeah! And my friends that disappeared in the candy shop? They were getting me my birthday gift -- some weird extendable tube thing that's hilarious fun, a huge sucker (i.e., can't fit it in my mouth huge), and a pair of handcuffs that I wore as a bracelet all night. :)
The rest of us walked back to my buddy's car, D and I stumbling and supporting each other and killing ourselves laughing the whole time. I blew a kiss at some guy in a car, and he blew one back at me, so that was fun. My buddy drove J and I back to his car, and then we went back to his place. I passed out pretty much immediately (although there was some changing of clothes in there and such that kinda surprised J, namely because I was lying in the exact same position each time he entered the room; first time in my party clothes, second time in my pjs), woke up around 6:30 to take out my contacts, go to the bathroom and brush my teeth, and then find J. Went back to sleep, and felt kinda like crap for awhile afterwards. I really need to remember that stuff the next time I go drinking. :P :)
Anyhow, that's it from me for a week, hope you all enjoy the respite and I'll be back with some great stories (hopefully), although they won't contain sex... until after I see J again. ;)
On a totally unrelated sidenote, spammers have got to be the most illiterate lifeforms out there. I just got a spam with the subject header "dripping in gism." That's just so sad.
Anyhow, I'm going back East to visit my extended family tomorrow morning, and I'll be gone for a week. I'm going to see how things are when I'm away and especially when I get back. I'm crazy about J, but... *sigh* I'm whiny, I'm demanding, I'm needy. I can't seem to get past this stuff. I wish I knew what to do to make this an agreeable situation for everyone, but I just can't seem to do that. Partly it would be best if his ex- was more cooperative, and saw that J is doing an awful lot more than he needs to, regardless of how you look at it.
Sometimes when we hang out I feel like more of a friend than a girlfriend, and I can understand that there's stress involved for him, but I don't know why it's stressful now and when we first started dating it wasn't. I don't know what's changed to make it that way. (Got some answers as I was writing, so this question at least has been answered).
While I'm gone I won't be able to do any updates as far as I know, but I'll be writing in my various books while I'm gone and I'll have all kinds of content here when I return. In the meantime, the birthday summary:
Friday was awful for work. Which reminds me, gotta email my hours to my boss, since I like getting paid and all. I had to train someone (long rant there), and then I got a whole bunch of extra work dumped on me at the last minute, so instead of being out at like, 5:30 or 6 as I'd hoped, I got out at 7:30. :P J and I met up with the crew for a big group dinner as opposed to going out just us (which had been the original plan), then all of us (minus one) went over to J's place afterwards to hang out and eat junk food and play on the playstation. Just before anyone showed up, there was a quickie (emphasis on quick, but hey, it's meant as a teaser), and then after everyone left, we slugged around a bit. I decided to pack it in around quarter to one or so, and J followed me in and insisted on making sure I was satisfied, as I hadn't quite been after the first time. Still had fun, but you know how guys are so insistent on making sure you're done... (okay, okay, stop laughing ;)). (Actually, I don't feel that way, I've had some good experiences and some bad ones. Some people have given up too quickly... others just keep trying, and I adore them for it. :)
Then we fell asleep and I got up Saturday for work. Saturday was the day I'd planned my dinner and bar evening for people that I'd invited, and I had a decent-sized crowd. We ate dinner lateish, then headed over to a bar nearby for some boozing. And more boozing. :) First we made a stop at a drugstore to see if they had any tiaras or such, but no go. Ah well. After a quick stop to J's car to fix my girlfriend D's belt, we were off to the bar. We grabbed a table, my friends that had gone to the candy store caught up, we started drinking. I've discovered I like chocolate martinis. :) Girlfriend from work showed up, she bought me a shot, I met D's friend, we were having fun chatting with him, he bought me a drink and a shot, we grabbed his ass and goofed around and danced together, then met up with the boys. Apparently one of the boys kept wanting to join us girls, and was taking a razzing from the rest of the boys who were playing pool. So after we joined them (me with my final drink of the evening), we were just cracking each other up, laughing to kill ourselves, and we kissed a few times for the fun and shock of it. :) Oh yeah! And my friends that disappeared in the candy shop? They were getting me my birthday gift -- some weird extendable tube thing that's hilarious fun, a huge sucker (i.e., can't fit it in my mouth huge), and a pair of handcuffs that I wore as a bracelet all night. :)
The rest of us walked back to my buddy's car, D and I stumbling and supporting each other and killing ourselves laughing the whole time. I blew a kiss at some guy in a car, and he blew one back at me, so that was fun. My buddy drove J and I back to his car, and then we went back to his place. I passed out pretty much immediately (although there was some changing of clothes in there and such that kinda surprised J, namely because I was lying in the exact same position each time he entered the room; first time in my party clothes, second time in my pjs), woke up around 6:30 to take out my contacts, go to the bathroom and brush my teeth, and then find J. Went back to sleep, and felt kinda like crap for awhile afterwards. I really need to remember that stuff the next time I go drinking. :P :)
Anyhow, that's it from me for a week, hope you all enjoy the respite and I'll be back with some great stories (hopefully), although they won't contain sex... until after I see J again. ;)
And some content...
I'll post details on my weekend of birthday celebrations later, but just now I wanted to write about a dream I had the other night... when I was recovering from my drunken stupor. :)
My friends and I were trying to escape from some people who were chasing us, and I don't know why they would. Somehow we ended up in a car (there were five of us including J and myself, one guy friend and his girlfriend, and someone else who I know can't remember). Somehow, we decided to have an orgy, and we were all pleasing my friend's girlfriend, and I was going down on her while the others kissed her and played with her breasts, and that's when the baddies caught up to us. It was a weird dream, and it was funny how there was somehow room for five of us in a small car.
I'll leave it at that for now, I think I woke up right around that time. Now I'm going to bed. One day left until we depart for the east coast, and I'll write a bunch tomorrow.
I'll post details on my weekend of birthday celebrations later, but just now I wanted to write about a dream I had the other night... when I was recovering from my drunken stupor. :)
My friends and I were trying to escape from some people who were chasing us, and I don't know why they would. Somehow we ended up in a car (there were five of us including J and myself, one guy friend and his girlfriend, and someone else who I know can't remember). Somehow, we decided to have an orgy, and we were all pleasing my friend's girlfriend, and I was going down on her while the others kissed her and played with her breasts, and that's when the baddies caught up to us. It was a weird dream, and it was funny how there was somehow room for five of us in a small car.
I'll leave it at that for now, I think I woke up right around that time. Now I'm going to bed. One day left until we depart for the east coast, and I'll write a bunch tomorrow.
And a bit more...
From The Original Hollywood Squares TV Show
These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous
and not scripted like they are now.
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice
From The Original Hollywood Squares TV Show
These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous
and not scripted like they are now.
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice
More spring cleaning...
More old emails...
The Lovers of the Heart.
In order to form a more perfect kiss, enable the mighty hug to promote to whom we please but one kiss.
Article 1: Statement of Love: The Kiss
1. Kiss on the hand.... I adore you
2. Kiss on the cheek... I just want to be friends
3. Kiss on the neck... I want you
4. Kiss on the lips... I love you
5. Kiss on the ears... I am just playing (i hate that)
6. Kiss anywhere else ... lets not get carried away
7. Look in your eyes ... kiss me
8. Playing with your hair... I can't live without you
9. Hand on your waist... I love you to much to let you go
Article 2:The Three Steps
1. Girls: If any guys gets fresh with you, slap him
2. Guys: If any girl slaps you, her intentions are still good
3. Guy and Girls: Close your eyes when kissing, it is rude to stare
Article 3:The Commandent
1. Thou shall not squeeze to hard.
2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one.
Remember...
A peach is a peach
A plum is a plum,
A kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue
so open up your mouth,
close your eyes,
and give your tongue some exercise!!
Well here's a few reasons why guys like girls...(Jen's note -- I hope some of these are true, it'd be nice to know someone thinks or has thought of me these ways)
1. They will always smell good even if it's just shampoo
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
3. How cute they look when they sleep
4. The ease in which they fit into our arms
5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world
6. How cute they are when they eat
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end makes it all worth while
8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside
9. The way they look good no matter what they wear
10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth
11. How cute they are when they argue
12. The way her hand always finds yours
13. The way they smile
14. The way you feel when you see their name on the caller ID after you just had a big fight
15. The way she says "let's not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later you will be arguing about something
16. The way they kiss when you do something nice for them
17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you'
18. Actually ... just the way they kiss you...
19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry
20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt (even though we don't admit it)!
23. The way they say "I miss you"
24. The way you miss them
25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore.....Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them ... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world, they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound,you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic
beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, no paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart.
More old emails...
The Lovers of the Heart.
In order to form a more perfect kiss, enable the mighty hug to promote to whom we please but one kiss.
Article 1: Statement of Love: The Kiss
1. Kiss on the hand.... I adore you
2. Kiss on the cheek... I just want to be friends
3. Kiss on the neck... I want you
4. Kiss on the lips... I love you
5. Kiss on the ears... I am just playing (i hate that)
6. Kiss anywhere else ... lets not get carried away
7. Look in your eyes ... kiss me
8. Playing with your hair... I can't live without you
9. Hand on your waist... I love you to much to let you go
Article 2:The Three Steps
1. Girls: If any guys gets fresh with you, slap him
2. Guys: If any girl slaps you, her intentions are still good
3. Guy and Girls: Close your eyes when kissing, it is rude to stare
Article 3:The Commandent
1. Thou shall not squeeze to hard.
2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one.
Remember...
A peach is a peach
A plum is a plum,
A kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue
so open up your mouth,
close your eyes,
and give your tongue some exercise!!
Well here's a few reasons why guys like girls...(Jen's note -- I hope some of these are true, it'd be nice to know someone thinks or has thought of me these ways)
1. They will always smell good even if it's just shampoo
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
3. How cute they look when they sleep
4. The ease in which they fit into our arms
5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world
6. How cute they are when they eat
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end makes it all worth while
8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside
9. The way they look good no matter what they wear
10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth
11. How cute they are when they argue
12. The way her hand always finds yours
13. The way they smile
14. The way you feel when you see their name on the caller ID after you just had a big fight
15. The way she says "let's not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later you will be arguing about something
16. The way they kiss when you do something nice for them
17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you'
18. Actually ... just the way they kiss you...
19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry
20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt (even though we don't admit it)!
23. The way they say "I miss you"
24. The way you miss them
25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore.....Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them ... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world, they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound,you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic
beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, no paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart.
Spring cleaning...
Okay, awhile back, a friend of mine sent me an email with sexual personality and how it relates to the first letter of your first name. Here's my write up for "J":
J-You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your impression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it s all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You are known as the best lover out of the whole alphabet, and partners will comment on your sexual abilities. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.
What can I say? It fits. ;)
Here's the email in its entirety (with cleaned up formatting) if you want to compare yourself (or future self)... I love the line "according to studies"... :) Although I find there's a fair bit of repetition, and the author appears to have had some biases (if you look at the entries for K or N)...
SEX & THE FIRST LETTER OF YOUR NAME....
According to studies, the first letter of your first name reveals your sexual identity....
A-You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts, not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the hunt invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.
B-You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.
C-You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.
D-Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. Having a free and open mind, you are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual.
E-Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book.(Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.)
F-You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favourite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.
G-You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.
H-You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover.
I-You have a great need to be loved, appreciated...Even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.
J-You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your impression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it s all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating; otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You are known as the best lover out of the whole alphabet, and partners will comment on your sexual abilities. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.
K-You are totally f***ing marvellous!
L-You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover’s saviour. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.
M-You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate.
N-You are crap in bed.
O-You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity, diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.
P-You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.
Q-You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.
R- You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal, the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, and you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.
S- You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.
T-You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, often times all in your own head.
U-When in love, you are not looking for love. When not in love, you are in love with love, and always looking for love and for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant gratification. You are willing to put your partner’s pleasures above your own.
V-You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Swing someone means psyching him/her out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him/her tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.
W-You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.
X-You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.
Y-You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate.
Z-For you, it is business before pleasure and if you are in any way bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body and when you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.
Okay, awhile back, a friend of mine sent me an email with sexual personality and how it relates to the first letter of your first name. Here's my write up for "J":
J-You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your impression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it s all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You are known as the best lover out of the whole alphabet, and partners will comment on your sexual abilities. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.
What can I say? It fits. ;)
Here's the email in its entirety (with cleaned up formatting) if you want to compare yourself (or future self)... I love the line "according to studies"... :) Although I find there's a fair bit of repetition, and the author appears to have had some biases (if you look at the entries for K or N)...
SEX & THE FIRST LETTER OF YOUR NAME....
According to studies, the first letter of your first name reveals your sexual identity....
A-You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts, not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the hunt invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.
B-You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.
C-You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.
D-Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. Having a free and open mind, you are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual.
E-Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book.(Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.)
F-You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favourite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.
G-You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.
H-You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover.
I-You have a great need to be loved, appreciated...Even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.
J-You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your impression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it s all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating; otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You are known as the best lover out of the whole alphabet, and partners will comment on your sexual abilities. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.
K-You are totally f***ing marvellous!
L-You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover’s saviour. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.
M-You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate.
N-You are crap in bed.
O-You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity, diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.
P-You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.
Q-You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.
R- You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal, the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, and you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.
S- You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.
T-You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, often times all in your own head.
U-When in love, you are not looking for love. When not in love, you are in love with love, and always looking for love and for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant gratification. You are willing to put your partner’s pleasures above your own.
V-You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Swing someone means psyching him/her out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him/her tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.
W-You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.
X-You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.
Y-You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate.
Z-For you, it is business before pleasure and if you are in any way bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body and when you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.
2002/08/23
Odd... someone from Fruhead.com sent me a happy birthday message (oh yeah, btw -- today's my birthday!), and I don't know how he found it or how he knew. It's not someone that I know, although the name is somewhat familiar, but the pictures of him aren't. Odd, but nice. :)
So yeah... more later. I was tired before, now I feel awake. :P
So yeah... more later. I was tired before, now I feel awake. :P
2002/08/21
Monday night I cried when I watched the news. It was the story about the tapes that they found from the Al-Qaida. They were using dogs to test out biochemical weapons -- poisonous gases -- and they showed on the news a few short clips from one of the tapes. It showed a dog tied up in a room, then some gas filtering in and the dog pulling towards it on his rope to check it out, then a scene later of a dog with its back to the camera, its legs somewhat bowed and obviously suffering. Sometimes, I seriously hate people.
I had a long dream last night in which I was getting married on Friday. Now, in real life it's my birthday on Friday, so in my dream I substituted one for the other. I kept running into people I knew from high school or elementary school and telling them about it, all excited and such. But also really nervous, like I felt that I wasn't ready for it to happen. I think it was due in part to having watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding last night, which I really enjoyed. It was a very fun movie, and had some good laughs in it.
"Give me any word, and I can show you how its root is Greek."
Anyhow, I think I'm off to play some more WarCraft. I really don't feel like going to work today, but I must. *sigh*
I had a long dream last night in which I was getting married on Friday. Now, in real life it's my birthday on Friday, so in my dream I substituted one for the other. I kept running into people I knew from high school or elementary school and telling them about it, all excited and such. But also really nervous, like I felt that I wasn't ready for it to happen. I think it was due in part to having watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding last night, which I really enjoyed. It was a very fun movie, and had some good laughs in it.
"Give me any word, and I can show you how its root is Greek."
Anyhow, I think I'm off to play some more WarCraft. I really don't feel like going to work today, but I must. *sigh*
2002/08/20
I am 25% Internet Addict
I could go either way. Deep into the madness of nights filled with coding CGI-Scripts and online role playing games, or I could become a normal user. Good luck!
Take the Internet Addict Test at fuali.com
I could go either way. Deep into the madness of nights filled with coding CGI-Scripts and online role playing games, or I could become a normal user. Good luck!
Take the Internet Addict Test at fuali.com
2002/08/19
I am 19% Geek
I wanna be a geek. But I'm not. Why would I even want to be one. Do I think it's fun? I should try writting an online test application at 1 am in my underwear
Take the Geek Test at fuali.com
I wanna be a geek. But I'm not. Why would I even want to be one. Do I think it's fun? I should try writting an online test application at 1 am in my underwear
Take the Geek Test at fuali.com
2002/08/16
Barrage? Okay, not really...
Hello, Romeo/Romea! You scored a...69% Love hurts, don't it? You're in pure love— the kind with sonnets and hovering cherubs— and you ache like an old man's back for your crush. The superficial things that other people care about— money, looks, body odor— don't hold much water with you. You wouldn't care if your dreamboat were the Exxon Valdez, so don't be surprised if you ever fall in love with an oily barge. Respect the twinkie, but don't ignore its needs.
Hello, Romeo/Romea! You scored a...69% Love hurts, don't it? You're in pure love— the kind with sonnets and hovering cherubs— and you ache like an old man's back for your crush. The superficial things that other people care about— money, looks, body odor— don't hold much water with you. You wouldn't care if your dreamboat were the Exxon Valdez, so don't be surprised if you ever fall in love with an oily barge. Respect the twinkie, but don't ignore its needs.
2002/08/15
I had a dream last night that I beat up the coworker. He was sitting in my kitchen and my aunt was there (I don't know why, I think my dad was doing something to her computer for her), and I started yelling at him because he had eaten my chocolates or something, and then I told him to leave, but he got sucked back into the conversation. Finally, I pulled on his chair, and he slipped under the table and hit his head. I started out yelling at him, "Jesus Christ coworker..." but when I realized that he was hurt, it ended with "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that!"
We had a semi-argument on ICQ yesterday when I was at work and he was at home. I talked to a few people about it and they felt I was in the right. At work, there are two rollaways in the room, and a cupboard above my workstation. The two coworkers that share the studio use the rollaways to keep their stuff in, and I keep a few things in the cupboard above my workstation (as do they), including a water bottle. When I came into work yesterday (after having Tuesday off and leaving Monday before coworker got in), I opened the cupboard and the water bottle was open, on its side, and in a different place than I usually put it. I asked my first coworker if he knew anything about it, no, so I ICQed the coworker and asked if he'd by any chance used it, and he said yes. Here's the rest of the conversation, 'cause I don't really feel like trying to remember it, and I think it's kinda funny (and it's not as long as some of the others I've posted):
Eiram: Were you by any chance using the water bottle that I have in the cupboard?
coworker: yes
Eiram: I see.
coworker: :)
Eiram: In the future, could you please not? I have it there for my personal use, and I prefer not to share it.
coworker: I see.
coworker: that's very generous of you.
Eiram: Candy and food is there to be shared, but I think of water bottles as a bit more personal.
coworker: ok. Hmmm, interesting. I HAVE seen you naked.
coworker: anyways, I won't touch your shit anymore.
Eiram: And considering the way you feel about me now, I didn't think you'd be wanting to share my shit, as you put it.
coworker: well... I needed water. I don't have a water bottle at the moment. I didn't see any harm in using yours. I didn't think it would be such a problem. And how I feel about you undershadowed my thirst at that particular moment. I didn't think it would be such a big deal.
Eiram: Okay then
coworker: so I won't touch it again, and I'm sorry I touched it in the first place.
Eiram: *shrug* As you've said in the past, everything in this studio is yours or your business, so I should have realized that extended to things I've brought in from outside. Now I know, and I'm prepared for it to happen in the future.
coworker: ok. Hey, your personal shit, is your personal shit. I'm not routin' through your drawers. I still have to work with you afterall...
Like I said... If you don't want me to touch your water bottle. I won't. I didn't think it would be a big deal.
I'm really not THAT much of an ass (contrary to current belief)
Eiram: I just figured that it was my personal shit to begin with, but I didn't realize you didn't share that opinion. I don't have any drawers in this room for you to root through, simply that cupboard.
I never said it was a big deal, I simply figured that considering the nature of our current relationship, we weren't exactly going to be sharing things. Part of the problem is that it was left open and on its side, so water has leaked into the cupboad and on my keyboard. It hasn't caused any damage, but it was a concern.
I don't recall having said that you were an ass, unless you are quoting from someone else, in which cause I can't really comment on the matter.
coworker: Uhm... I didn't leave the water bottle on it's side. I used it two days ago.
coworker: (Monday night)
Eiram: When I opened the cupboard, it was on its side. I haven't used it for quite some time, and I haven't been in since Monday afternoon.
Eiram: As you were the last one to use it, it's logical to assume that perhaps it was you who left it on its side. I apologize then if it wasn't.
coworker: hmm... well, I don't remember opening it and leaving it on its side. I usually close any and all bottles I use (even as I'm using it)... but point is, I won't touch it again.
I'm off to work.
coworker: *nod*
Eiram: See you then.
So I figure that's why I had the dream that I mentioned above. :)
Anyhow, what else is going on? My birthday's coming up! Yay! August 23rd babies, mark it down! ;)
Been very vaguely toying with the idea of getting something else pierced, which is just kinda dumb. I don't need anything else pierced and I don't really want anything else pierced I don't think, I'm just thinking about it. But no! I will be strong. Get the other tattoo, then be done. Right.
One of the things I like about J is that it's not always about his friends and spending time with them when something's going on. If we both have friends planning things for the same night, we do our best to show up to both events if we can. He goes with me when something's going on with my friends, and I like that. Other guys I've dated have not done the same thing, unless it was The Ex-, who just did it because he was a controlling asshole (UBFM, anyone?).
Okay, I can't remember what else I was going to write, so I'm off to shower and get ready for the day. If I remember, it'll appear later. :)
We had a semi-argument on ICQ yesterday when I was at work and he was at home. I talked to a few people about it and they felt I was in the right. At work, there are two rollaways in the room, and a cupboard above my workstation. The two coworkers that share the studio use the rollaways to keep their stuff in, and I keep a few things in the cupboard above my workstation (as do they), including a water bottle. When I came into work yesterday (after having Tuesday off and leaving Monday before coworker got in), I opened the cupboard and the water bottle was open, on its side, and in a different place than I usually put it. I asked my first coworker if he knew anything about it, no, so I ICQed the coworker and asked if he'd by any chance used it, and he said yes. Here's the rest of the conversation, 'cause I don't really feel like trying to remember it, and I think it's kinda funny (and it's not as long as some of the others I've posted):
Eiram: Were you by any chance using the water bottle that I have in the cupboard?
coworker: yes
Eiram: I see.
coworker: :)
Eiram: In the future, could you please not? I have it there for my personal use, and I prefer not to share it.
coworker: I see.
coworker: that's very generous of you.
Eiram: Candy and food is there to be shared, but I think of water bottles as a bit more personal.
coworker: ok. Hmmm, interesting. I HAVE seen you naked.
coworker: anyways, I won't touch your shit anymore.
Eiram: And considering the way you feel about me now, I didn't think you'd be wanting to share my shit, as you put it.
coworker: well... I needed water. I don't have a water bottle at the moment. I didn't see any harm in using yours. I didn't think it would be such a problem. And how I feel about you undershadowed my thirst at that particular moment. I didn't think it would be such a big deal.
Eiram: Okay then
coworker: so I won't touch it again, and I'm sorry I touched it in the first place.
Eiram: *shrug* As you've said in the past, everything in this studio is yours or your business, so I should have realized that extended to things I've brought in from outside. Now I know, and I'm prepared for it to happen in the future.
coworker: ok. Hey, your personal shit, is your personal shit. I'm not routin' through your drawers. I still have to work with you afterall...
Like I said... If you don't want me to touch your water bottle. I won't. I didn't think it would be a big deal.
I'm really not THAT much of an ass (contrary to current belief)
Eiram: I just figured that it was my personal shit to begin with, but I didn't realize you didn't share that opinion. I don't have any drawers in this room for you to root through, simply that cupboard.
I never said it was a big deal, I simply figured that considering the nature of our current relationship, we weren't exactly going to be sharing things. Part of the problem is that it was left open and on its side, so water has leaked into the cupboad and on my keyboard. It hasn't caused any damage, but it was a concern.
I don't recall having said that you were an ass, unless you are quoting from someone else, in which cause I can't really comment on the matter.
coworker: Uhm... I didn't leave the water bottle on it's side. I used it two days ago.
coworker: (Monday night)
Eiram: When I opened the cupboard, it was on its side. I haven't used it for quite some time, and I haven't been in since Monday afternoon.
Eiram: As you were the last one to use it, it's logical to assume that perhaps it was you who left it on its side. I apologize then if it wasn't.
coworker: hmm... well, I don't remember opening it and leaving it on its side. I usually close any and all bottles I use (even as I'm using it)... but point is, I won't touch it again.
I'm off to work.
coworker: *nod*
Eiram: See you then.
So I figure that's why I had the dream that I mentioned above. :)
Anyhow, what else is going on? My birthday's coming up! Yay! August 23rd babies, mark it down! ;)
Been very vaguely toying with the idea of getting something else pierced, which is just kinda dumb. I don't need anything else pierced and I don't really want anything else pierced I don't think, I'm just thinking about it. But no! I will be strong. Get the other tattoo, then be done. Right.
One of the things I like about J is that it's not always about his friends and spending time with them when something's going on. If we both have friends planning things for the same night, we do our best to show up to both events if we can. He goes with me when something's going on with my friends, and I like that. Other guys I've dated have not done the same thing, unless it was The Ex-, who just did it because he was a controlling asshole (UBFM, anyone?).
Okay, I can't remember what else I was going to write, so I'm off to shower and get ready for the day. If I remember, it'll appear later. :)
2002/08/14
And another dream about Chloe. This time she looked different, and someone in my family brought her to me.
I had to swing by my old workplace (animal hospital) the other day to pick up some treats for the brats. I had Chloe's file inactivated then. That was rough.
Went and saw XXX today with J and a few other people. It was fun, us girls talked tattoos and piercings afterwards. I was really tempted to confess the work I've had done, but I figure I'll wait. Even though I have told some complete strangers, I'm starting to hold back a bit now, be more choosy and showing my cards, so to speak. :)
Hmm... nothing much else I feel like saying. It's been a lazy day, good in some ways, bad in others. Got to baby J last night when he was half- (okay, mostly) asleep. Did some tidying up, looked after the fish and the dog, made the bed up with the cleaned comforter, then got him settled in and his stuff put away. Today I folded some of his laundry (the shirts that had to be ironed were his responsibility), and did the dinner dishes (since he cooked). I figure I'll try to get all this nice stuff out of the way so that later I can be myself. ;)
Also played a bunch of Warcraft III today, and actually made it into the undead campaign by a few chapters. Yay, me!
Okay, so nothing much is exciting. I'm starting to really want to get my second tattoo done though, so who knows... Gotta get it done before my sister does, although I think she might be too wimpy. I hope so. :)
It's always kinda funny for me to be going through a horny period when I'm not getting as much sex as I might like. I'm used to turning it down since my sex drive is usually pretty low, not having to be chasing it. ;) However, better to be getting occasional awesome sex then all kinds of sub-par or even crummy sex, no? ;)
Ah well, time to go look at pictures of tattoos and piercings. Later.
I had to swing by my old workplace (animal hospital) the other day to pick up some treats for the brats. I had Chloe's file inactivated then. That was rough.
Went and saw XXX today with J and a few other people. It was fun, us girls talked tattoos and piercings afterwards. I was really tempted to confess the work I've had done, but I figure I'll wait. Even though I have told some complete strangers, I'm starting to hold back a bit now, be more choosy and showing my cards, so to speak. :)
Hmm... nothing much else I feel like saying. It's been a lazy day, good in some ways, bad in others. Got to baby J last night when he was half- (okay, mostly) asleep. Did some tidying up, looked after the fish and the dog, made the bed up with the cleaned comforter, then got him settled in and his stuff put away. Today I folded some of his laundry (the shirts that had to be ironed were his responsibility), and did the dinner dishes (since he cooked). I figure I'll try to get all this nice stuff out of the way so that later I can be myself. ;)
Also played a bunch of Warcraft III today, and actually made it into the undead campaign by a few chapters. Yay, me!
Okay, so nothing much is exciting. I'm starting to really want to get my second tattoo done though, so who knows... Gotta get it done before my sister does, although I think she might be too wimpy. I hope so. :)
It's always kinda funny for me to be going through a horny period when I'm not getting as much sex as I might like. I'm used to turning it down since my sex drive is usually pretty low, not having to be chasing it. ;) However, better to be getting occasional awesome sex then all kinds of sub-par or even crummy sex, no? ;)
Ah well, time to go look at pictures of tattoos and piercings. Later.
2002/08/12
And so begins the barrage of quizzes...
Mild congratulations, you are...64% dateable! You are neither more not less dateable than your peers-- welcome to the land of mediocrity, home of the masses! You have an undeniable animal magnetism, but you're just as likely to attract small animals as you are to attract human beings. Nevertheless, the people you flirt with generally find you funny and cute, or "fute." You have good hygiene, which is an imporant aspect of relationships involving two or more people. Avoid seafood and walks in the woods.
Mild congratulations, you are...64% dateable! You are neither more not less dateable than your peers-- welcome to the land of mediocrity, home of the masses! You have an undeniable animal magnetism, but you're just as likely to attract small animals as you are to attract human beings. Nevertheless, the people you flirt with generally find you funny and cute, or "fute." You have good hygiene, which is an imporant aspect of relationships involving two or more people. Avoid seafood and walks in the woods.
I had another dream about Chloe the other night. I know, I know, all this poor pathetic me crap. It was a really vivid dream, though. In it, she'd come home, and my parents wanted to surprise me, so I was just someplace in my house (don't remember where), and she showed up. I started crying, and I think my dad went to try to stop me from crying or something, and my mom stopped him, said I needed it. She was nuzzling my face and she looked good and healthy and everything, and I was really happy.
I think I'm all written out after the last couple of posts. Picked out a new cologne for J on Saturday. I had to go through Sears to get my dad's birthday present, which was this thing I saw on tv to remove busted out screws; apparently he was thinking of getting it for himself, which is always the mark of a good present. :) We wandered through the cologne section on our way to finding escalators (which apparently hide when you're in this particular Sears), and I was trying to find Polo Ralph Lauren. The pizza guy said it was what he wore, and I really liked the smell of it, but I wanted to see for myself if it was actually the one he wore. It wasn't there, but J and I found this nice one, Pi by Givenchy, and we decided to pick up a bottle. I say we, I meant he... :) He asked me point-blank if I liked the cologne he wore, and I had to be honest and say no, not really. I felt bad saying it, especially since colognes and perfumes are such a personal thing, but I wasn't going to lie, not on a direct question like that.
What else? Went by Ben's for a drop in at a LAN party that he was hosting, and it would seem that his girlfriend has spirited him away out of town for something. People were *not* particularly impressed. We showed up around quarter to nine or so (after my work shift and our shopping), and stayed until about twenty to eleven... Ben's brother said he'd disappeared around 4 or so. J and I ended up sitting outside on the deck with rotating people. Originally I'd gone out to say goodbye to Ben's brother and the one or two people out there, then got sucked into a conversation that flowed rather nicely. One person there that I hadn't spoken much to before, but I was impressed with the things he had to say during the conversation. Still not sure where I stand on A, find he has to talk too much, be the centre of attention. He got dumped recently by his gf, which sucks, but I don't know. I think there was some melodrama involved there.
Speaking of breakups... found out from the pizza guy that H and R broke up. That was a bit of a surprise and a bit of not. He says things have been iffy for awhile, and he could see it coming. Curious if there's going to be more girl time now or not. :P Wouldn't she be surprised to find out that I got over the Achilles' heel and found myself someone good. :) (Someone that three of my girlfriends so far have described as a hottie). ;)
Ever notice that in a relationship, it seems that there will always be one person who's more into it than the other? It felt a bit like that with J at first. I was into him, but he was the one saying that he was really falling for me and that he'd fallen for me. Now, it seems to have completely reversed and then some more. There's so much teasing going on that I can't say what I feel almost all the time and it's frustrating sometimes. Mostly I just ignore the teasing, but sometimes it's nice to have the quiet, sweet J around. He was around for a bit the other day, but then he disappeared behind the teasing J again, so I grumble and ignore him some more. :P
And it's not playing games! It's the only way I really know how to cope with this situation. :P
Also got some weird feelings this evening. When I'm in a relationship, while I don't kid myself that every person I date is going to be the one with whom I walk down the aisle, I also don't necessarily like to discuss the 'next' relationship(s) either of us is(are) going to be in as if it's a given thing. Y'know, give things between us right now a chance, and if they're going to go further, great, if not, well then, we'll deal with that when the time comes. I guess it's more because this is the first guy I've dated that I felt was a boyfriend since the ex-, and while I call J my boyfriend to other people, sometimes it seems like I shouldn't be calling him that. Like I'd be introduced as "my friend Jen," not, "my girlfriend Jen." I don't know. Sometimes I think I simply overanalyze, but it's these little things that speak to me. Maybe I will date seventeen other guys before I get married, but right now, I'm with J and when he's not making fun of me, I'm happy with him, so I don't feel the need or the desire to be thinking of other guys. *shrug* Maybe guys, or maybe J isn't like that. Maybe it's no big deal to them(him) to be thinking of me dating other guys after them(him) or them(him) dating other girls. And that's why guys suck. ;)
I guess unless I'm just thinking too seriously or more seriously than J, in which case I guess any early warning is a good thing. Mind you, Jay was checking with me at the beginning to make sure that I wasn't going to be jerking J around... maybe it should've been the other way, too. :P :)
So yeah, I think I'm stopping censoring myself as much. I know J'll be reading this and possibly talking to me about it, and that's fine. I'm going to try to avoid doing all the secrecy and the vague talking, spell things out the way my dear readers are used to reading. After all, not all of 'em know me in person, so they can't very well just ask me what the hell I'm talking about, although it seems that Di has been able to figure them out, or at least relate to them, even if I don't always spell 'em out. ;)
For someone who thought she was all written out, I have a fair bit to ramble about, it seems. :P
Last bits: I envy Jay for his ability to be concise. It doesn't seem that that's a skill I'll be mastering anytime soon.
And finally, no raunchy notes to post 'cause it's been a few days. Stupid conflicting schedules. :P
I'm off to bed. :)
I think I'm all written out after the last couple of posts. Picked out a new cologne for J on Saturday. I had to go through Sears to get my dad's birthday present, which was this thing I saw on tv to remove busted out screws; apparently he was thinking of getting it for himself, which is always the mark of a good present. :) We wandered through the cologne section on our way to finding escalators (which apparently hide when you're in this particular Sears), and I was trying to find Polo Ralph Lauren. The pizza guy said it was what he wore, and I really liked the smell of it, but I wanted to see for myself if it was actually the one he wore. It wasn't there, but J and I found this nice one, Pi by Givenchy, and we decided to pick up a bottle. I say we, I meant he... :) He asked me point-blank if I liked the cologne he wore, and I had to be honest and say no, not really. I felt bad saying it, especially since colognes and perfumes are such a personal thing, but I wasn't going to lie, not on a direct question like that.
What else? Went by Ben's for a drop in at a LAN party that he was hosting, and it would seem that his girlfriend has spirited him away out of town for something. People were *not* particularly impressed. We showed up around quarter to nine or so (after my work shift and our shopping), and stayed until about twenty to eleven... Ben's brother said he'd disappeared around 4 or so. J and I ended up sitting outside on the deck with rotating people. Originally I'd gone out to say goodbye to Ben's brother and the one or two people out there, then got sucked into a conversation that flowed rather nicely. One person there that I hadn't spoken much to before, but I was impressed with the things he had to say during the conversation. Still not sure where I stand on A, find he has to talk too much, be the centre of attention. He got dumped recently by his gf, which sucks, but I don't know. I think there was some melodrama involved there.
Speaking of breakups... found out from the pizza guy that H and R broke up. That was a bit of a surprise and a bit of not. He says things have been iffy for awhile, and he could see it coming. Curious if there's going to be more girl time now or not. :P Wouldn't she be surprised to find out that I got over the Achilles' heel and found myself someone good. :) (Someone that three of my girlfriends so far have described as a hottie). ;)
Ever notice that in a relationship, it seems that there will always be one person who's more into it than the other? It felt a bit like that with J at first. I was into him, but he was the one saying that he was really falling for me and that he'd fallen for me. Now, it seems to have completely reversed and then some more. There's so much teasing going on that I can't say what I feel almost all the time and it's frustrating sometimes. Mostly I just ignore the teasing, but sometimes it's nice to have the quiet, sweet J around. He was around for a bit the other day, but then he disappeared behind the teasing J again, so I grumble and ignore him some more. :P
And it's not playing games! It's the only way I really know how to cope with this situation. :P
Also got some weird feelings this evening. When I'm in a relationship, while I don't kid myself that every person I date is going to be the one with whom I walk down the aisle, I also don't necessarily like to discuss the 'next' relationship(s) either of us is(are) going to be in as if it's a given thing. Y'know, give things between us right now a chance, and if they're going to go further, great, if not, well then, we'll deal with that when the time comes. I guess it's more because this is the first guy I've dated that I felt was a boyfriend since the ex-, and while I call J my boyfriend to other people, sometimes it seems like I shouldn't be calling him that. Like I'd be introduced as "my friend Jen," not, "my girlfriend Jen." I don't know. Sometimes I think I simply overanalyze, but it's these little things that speak to me. Maybe I will date seventeen other guys before I get married, but right now, I'm with J and when he's not making fun of me, I'm happy with him, so I don't feel the need or the desire to be thinking of other guys. *shrug* Maybe guys, or maybe J isn't like that. Maybe it's no big deal to them(him) to be thinking of me dating other guys after them(him) or them(him) dating other girls. And that's why guys suck. ;)
I guess unless I'm just thinking too seriously or more seriously than J, in which case I guess any early warning is a good thing. Mind you, Jay was checking with me at the beginning to make sure that I wasn't going to be jerking J around... maybe it should've been the other way, too. :P :)
So yeah, I think I'm stopping censoring myself as much. I know J'll be reading this and possibly talking to me about it, and that's fine. I'm going to try to avoid doing all the secrecy and the vague talking, spell things out the way my dear readers are used to reading. After all, not all of 'em know me in person, so they can't very well just ask me what the hell I'm talking about, although it seems that Di has been able to figure them out, or at least relate to them, even if I don't always spell 'em out. ;)
For someone who thought she was all written out, I have a fair bit to ramble about, it seems. :P
Last bits: I envy Jay for his ability to be concise. It doesn't seem that that's a skill I'll be mastering anytime soon.
And finally, no raunchy notes to post 'cause it's been a few days. Stupid conflicting schedules. :P
I'm off to bed. :)
2002/08/09
I'm having a (possibly) irrational moment of mad. I'm angry, I'm pissy, I'm grumpy, whatever you want to call it. But it's not like an obvious thing. It's beneath the surface. It's there, it's just not out and exposed.
Why am I angry? Well, the crap with the coworker isn't helping. He was chatting with me this morning on MSN, and then at work, when there's a conversation going on in the studio, if I try to participate in it, he doesn't even look at me, or answer my question. For example, today they were talking about Signs, the Mel Gibson movie. I saw it the other day with J, so I asked him something about it, in response to what he said. He kinda answers it, but doesn't bother looking at me or addressing his comments to me. So, fuck him.
C snapped at me a bit today. I'm going to put it down to stress and such on her part, since she's doing too much (which is how she likes it), but it still struck me as kinda unfair. Like, don't take your stress out on me, m'dear. You're my boss, it's not fair of you to dump it on me. So, fuck off.
The ex- was chatting with me on MSN. Once again, everything is about him and what's going on his life and all that other crap. Occasionally a question about me or my life comes my way. Sometimes, I deflect questions about me, 'cause sometimes there's really nothing going that I want to talk about (this is conversations with everyone, not just him). But once in awhile it would be nice if he asked me something like, "How are things going with you and J?" Instead, I get an hour's worth of him agonizing about whether or not he's interested in his friend's ex-, or if she's interested in him, and such. He thinks perhaps that she's trying to set him up with one of her friends, someone he's not interested in (for various reasons). I ask, then what does it matter if she's trying to set you up? He says it's ego. He needs the boost. *sigh* I think, and I mean this seriously, not in a mean-spirited way, that he needs professional help.
All of this has been contained and not dumped on anyone else. I'm being very nice. But part of me wants to just sit down and cry. Part of me would love to have C walk in when I'm doing so, so that I can finally bitch and moan about the coworker and give her my side of things. It's not fair for her to take all this crap out on me.
Why am I angry? Well, the crap with the coworker isn't helping. He was chatting with me this morning on MSN, and then at work, when there's a conversation going on in the studio, if I try to participate in it, he doesn't even look at me, or answer my question. For example, today they were talking about Signs, the Mel Gibson movie. I saw it the other day with J, so I asked him something about it, in response to what he said. He kinda answers it, but doesn't bother looking at me or addressing his comments to me. So, fuck him.
C snapped at me a bit today. I'm going to put it down to stress and such on her part, since she's doing too much (which is how she likes it), but it still struck me as kinda unfair. Like, don't take your stress out on me, m'dear. You're my boss, it's not fair of you to dump it on me. So, fuck off.
The ex- was chatting with me on MSN. Once again, everything is about him and what's going on his life and all that other crap. Occasionally a question about me or my life comes my way. Sometimes, I deflect questions about me, 'cause sometimes there's really nothing going that I want to talk about (this is conversations with everyone, not just him). But once in awhile it would be nice if he asked me something like, "How are things going with you and J?" Instead, I get an hour's worth of him agonizing about whether or not he's interested in his friend's ex-, or if she's interested in him, and such. He thinks perhaps that she's trying to set him up with one of her friends, someone he's not interested in (for various reasons). I ask, then what does it matter if she's trying to set you up? He says it's ego. He needs the boost. *sigh* I think, and I mean this seriously, not in a mean-spirited way, that he needs professional help.
All of this has been contained and not dumped on anyone else. I'm being very nice. But part of me wants to just sit down and cry. Part of me would love to have C walk in when I'm doing so, so that I can finally bitch and moan about the coworker and give her my side of things. It's not fair for her to take all this crap out on me.
This is a *long* post, for those that are just getting to it. But hey, Friday I seem to get the most hits, so this'll keep you here longer. Or something. :)
I feel stuck in my house, but there's nowhere I want to go or be. I wouldn't mind snuggling up with J, but I also want to give him some space, and let him be a bit. Y'know, not give him too much of my personality at once. ;)
Sometimes my mom'll joke about me breaking things off with the guys I'm seeing; like, she'll say, "Oh, have you tired of this one already?" or "What's wrong, he doesn't want to see you tonight? Did you guys break up already?" I can't come up with good examples, but those are some of them, I guess. I don't know... when I think about it, it upsets me. I want to say to her, "Do you ever think that maybe these guys hurt me? Yeah, maybe I do the the breaking up a lot, but maybe I have a good reason?" It's like with some people; I'm always the one at fault in their eyes. It's never them.
Which leads me to a rant I wanted to have and was composing for awhile. As with all things I compose for awhile, it never is as good as I imagine (or so I'm speculating), but I'm going to try. Here goes:
An open letter to the coworker (albeit one he's likely not to read, and that's just fine)
Grow the fuck up and take some accountability for yourself. If you have to keep telling people that you're a good guy and a nice person and whatnot, maybe you aren't. If you think people at work think you're a prick, maybe they do (okay, not fair, but so what? I'm not trying to be). If you hate your job and you think you're a fat fuck (his words), stop complaining about it and do something about it! You're going to be 31 in a week and a half. Y'know what? You may have your own place (with roommates) and your own car (leased), but in some ways you're way the fuck behind me.
There is no winning in a discussion with you. If I say something that upsets you, it's my fault. But if you say something that upsets me, it's my fault. You said that something about me kept drawing you back to me and that I led you on and you couldn't stay away. You claimed that you tried to break things off with me, but you couldn't, or that I wouldn't let you. Did I hold a gun to your head? Did I tie you up and force you to stay? You say that I treated you like a boyfriend, and better than anyone you ever went out with before. But you also complained that you didn't feel like a boyfriend, you didn't know where you stood with me, and that I treated you like shit.
Everything is my fault. You felt like I would run back to the ex- at any given moment, even though I explained to you that things were not like that, that they didn't and wouldn't work like that, and that was part of what I had problems dealing with. He was my Achilles heel. He was my first love. You were never a boyfriend to me, and I never told you you were. Things were never settled between us, and that was okay with me, because I didn't want things to be settled with us. I told you from the start that I was not looking for a boyfriend, and yet you got upset with me when I didn't treat you as one.
You said that I felt patronized and condescended to by you (in the following conversation, you refer to me as 'sweety' in what I can only term as a condescending manner, especially considering that you called your new girlfriend the exact same thing today. "Sweety" used during a fight or tense conversation such as this one was can be nothing less than condescending or patronizing, don't you agree? Probably not). You told me how I felt, and what I thought. Yet when I got upset with you for it, you said that you couldn't possibly know how I felt and that you knew what you were saying was wrong.
Some of my favourite quotes from my last major written conversation with you (with editorial comments included at the end of each):
Jen says:
Because any time I've tried to talk to you, name or name, I get stonewalled.
coworker says:
right
coworker says:
you've never tried, sweety
Jen says:
And because you've told me that you don't believe anything I say, so... where does that leave me?
coworker says:
(at least not to me)
coworker says:
Hey, I didn't say that. I believe what I believe. But I have an open mind about everything. But if I *DON"T* believe it, I will tell you, straight up"
(Or in my experience, simply respond to everything I say with either an eye-rolling or a "right", both in text or in spoken word).
coworker says:
If I thought you deserved my friendship, I'd consider it. But you really don't"
Sorry for the length of this one, but the whole thing just has to be included to be believed:
coworker says:
Pizza guy is probably still your friend, because he obviously cared for you on a lesser level than I did
coworker says:
But I truely wanted to help you. To see you grow professionally and personally. And sometimes my honesty was misinterpreted as being an asshole. But as soon as I got too close (by getting upset when you did stupid things), you got scared
coworker says:
and you had to find a relationship more 'fun'
coworker says:
someday you will find someone who is fun, but also cares for you as deeply as I did, and when you're ready to care for them back, you will find a new level of existance.
coworker says:
until then, just be careful
coworker says:
that's all.
Jen says:
I'm sorry that I didn't care for the same way that you cared for me. I never pretended otherwise, however.
coworker says:
well, you did trick me sometimes
coworker says:
tricked me into believing that there was some hope
Jen says:
You say that, but I don't think so. You could have asked me at anytime how I felt, but that was pretty clear by the fact that you stopped telling me how you felt because it made me uncomfortable.
coworker says:
and it was all my fault that I believed it.
Jen says:
I think you let yourself believe it, but it's not fair to blame me for how you were interpreting my actions.
coworker says:
I stopped doing a lot of things. But then you'd complain that my hugs sucked or my kisses sucked. Well they sucked for a reason
coworker says:
It's fair for me to blame you for committing those actions KNOWING how I felt about you
Jen says:
So because you cared about me more than I cared about you, I should have stopped seeing you?
coworker says:
yes, you should have
coworker says:
And I was able to deal with it then
coworker says:
I tried to do that, but you wouldn't have it
Jen says:
How about, out of self-preservation, you should have left the relationship?
coworker says:
I tried, sweety
Jen says:
Okay
coworker says:
everytime I distanced myself, you complained that it 'sucked'
Jen says:
Don't just distance yourself, break it off.
coworker says:
I was fully willing to have a 'sister' like attitude towards you.
coworker says:
Oh, yeah. Easy to say now. You think I WANTED to break it off?
coworker says:
You kept advancing on me, and quite frankly, I liked it. And I thought you liked it too.
So, fully willing to have a sister like attitude towards me, yet you asked me many times to stop wearing my perfume because it made you want to be close to me, you couldn't help putting your fucking hands up my shirt or skirt at work, and putting your chin on my shoulder, smelling my jacket because it smelled of me, and giving me hugs, and you could have treated me like a sister?! And then you say that and next line you say you didn't want to break it off. And this is my fault.
Jen says:
Well, you're putting all this damn blame on me coworker, and you're a bloody grown man who is perfectly responsible for his actions, just the same as I am for mine. I've never said I was perfect out of this, but you're sure as hell trying to come off like you are.
coworker says:
I'm pretty perfect, most of the time.
coworker says:
Yes... I was stupid for thinking I could have a relationship with you. It was MY fault that I fell for you in the first place. And yes, I knew it wasn't going to work.
coworker says:
BUT, I was always honest with you, and I asked you many times, that if you're going to start seeing someone else, that you have the COMMON DECENCY to tell me. And you always agreed.
coworker says:
You don't think I KNEW I would lose you to someone else? Of course not. I never trusted you that way. But I always believed that you respected me enough to be honest with me.
coworker says:
and THAT was my downfall
Jen says:
Yes, and as I keep saying I WAS GOING TO FUCKING TELL YOU. But, you had to have the COMMON DECENCY to read my PRIVATE conversations over my fucking shoulder.
coworker says:
well, Jenny. You didn't fucking tell me.
coworker says:
Whether you were going to or not, is NOT my concern
Jen says:
Well, coworkery, I didn't get the fucking chance.
coworker says:
hey, and you know what... like I said. What happens in my studio is my business.
And yes, that -y at the end of the last name reference was deliberate. He knew I didn't like being called Jenny, the same as he didn't like being called by the full version of his name. *shudder* In that case though, I just put the -y at the end, apeing him. And like it's his fucking studio... I've been with the company longer, and the other producer has been there longer. Coworker works *nights* -- that means he's lower on the fucking totem pole than the other guys that work there.
I realize he was likely being facetious with discussing how he's perfect, but it still amazes me that he'd say it... I think there was a smilie in there actually, it just didn't transfer over to text (this having been carried out over MSN).
coworker says:
anyways, that's just muck-chucking. The whole thing was a bloody mistake, and I should have just had a 'get laid' mentality about you the whole time
coworker says:
too bad I cared for you too much. Oh well.
This is him just trying to take shots, but it's bloody charming nonetheless.
I like this rant that I had (and the subsequent conversations that follow):
Jen says:
But I don't think you really want to understand my side of things, anyways. Because if you did, you'd have to think that perhaps you had a hand in all of this, and it's easier this way. It's easier for me to be the bitch and the demon, and to have proved you right and not be worthy of your love.
Jen says:
It's easier for you to be the victim and for you to be able to denounce everything I say as lies, instead of acknowledging that you and I are both PEOPLE and that when PEOPLE get involved in RELATIONSHIPS, things are no long BLACK and WHITE.
coworker says:
ok
coworker says:
shrug
coworker says:
if I thought you had any interest in being my friend...
coworker says:
But really... There are a lot of factors
Jen says:
If you stopped treating me like every time I opened my mouth it would be to tell you another lie, MAYBE I might consider it. But frankly? I don't know.
coworker says:
I don't think I could be friends with someone I gave so much to, and who treated me the way you did especially when you knew how I felt about you.
coworker says:
Well, I DO know that friendship is not an option
Jen says:
Fine.
coworker says:
so that's it then
coworker says:
?
Jen says:
I don't know. Guess so.
Jen says:
You don't want to be friends with me, so... what more is there?
Jen says:
You're not interested in hearing what I have to say with an open mind, so I don't try.
coworker says:
Dunno. I've felt I've been a burden on you for months... and you've never done anything to make me feel otherwise
coworker says:
You don't even TRY to talk to me Jen.
coworker says:
you don't say anything for me to not believe.
Jen says:
Yes, I do. Above, I said some things about J, and you just shrug it off, or say "right", like whatever I say is a lie. So, I stopped trying.
coworker says:
You're going to tell me, J was different. Special. He treats me good. I HAD to go to him. Ok. Fine.
Jen says:
I didn't have to do anything.
Basically, any time we talk, you waffle back and forth between saying that maybe friendship is an option, and you're trying to be my friend (WHICH IS THE BIGGEST FUCKING CROCK OF SHIT I'VE EVER HEARD), and then you say that friendship isn't an option, I don't deserve your friendship, and wouldn't want to be my friend anyways. So why the fuck are you wasting my time?!
In all honesty, this reminds me of a situation I had years and years ago with someone else older than me that I was involved with (meaning, we made out twice and talked online a lot), and that ended poorly and that was a big mess all around and who, coincidentally, shared the same name... I wouldn't speak to him, wouldn't email him or have anything to do with him, then every few months out of the blue he'd email me and tell me what a horrid person I was. Things are better between us now, that kind of shit doesn't happen, but sometimes I feel like the only reason that you get in touch with me is to tell me what a bitch and whore I am and how I did your poor heart wrong.
I always hated when you used all caps. I'd use them back at you because it felt like me taking a dig, even if you didn't realize I was doing it.
However, those weren't the quotes I was looking for. More hunting. (Every now and then when a conversation amuses or upsets me and I want to possibly reread it later when I'm removed from the situation, I save it to a draft file in my yahoo mail. That's what I'm searching through now). Damn. Can't seem to find it. There was one beautiful quote from you... you said something to the effect of you would tell me how I felt (i.e., "You feel that I'm patronizing to you"), but that you couldn't possibly know how I actually did think or feel because you weren't a mind-reader... so I was left wondering, "Then what the fuck do you bother doing it for?" But I think at the time I was trying to play nice, so I bit my tongue. I did that a lot more than you ever realized or are willing to admit to.
I stopped having sex with you because it started to be (continued to be?) boring. You didn't move in ways that felt good for me, because they wouldn't get you off, and yet when you moved the way you needed to, you couldn't get off anyways. Other means of getting you off took forever and didn't always work very well. You said that you could hardly ever get off with me because you didn't trust me enough to completely relax. Somehow, that was also my fault.
Somewhere in here, I think you need to take the blame for some things. I think you were afraid and upset because you knew I was not going to fall in love with you like you did with me, because I was still hung up on the ex-, and even if I hadn't been, I don't think I would have fallen for you. So in order to hide the fact that you felt stupid or whatever for falling for me, you had to say that you didn't trust me and this and that and the other thing.
And y'know what? To some extent you were right not to trust me. I can admit to that now, albeit in a forum where you're not likely to find out, 'cause it's all old news and I'm not one for twisting a knife or rubbing salt in a wound. The ex- was my Achilles heel, and I couldn't seem to stop myself from fooling around with him to a point when he was in town. But there were a few reasons for that; for one, I didn't have a defined relationship with you. For two, I was still hung up on him, and somewhere in my twisted, pointy little head, I thought that perhaps if we did fool around somewhat, he'd remember how great I was (hah), and want to leave his girlfriend, whom he was perfectly willing to fully cheat on (i.e., he asked me to fuck him or to let him fuck me on *many, many* occasions), and what held me back was the knowledge of how fucked up in the head I'd end up if I did -- even more so than I was already. For three, I was in a fucked up period of time, and had been for awhile, and told you so. I don't claim to be completely blameless at all; I know I fucked up. A lot. More than I probably should have, or deserved to. But at least I'm not trying to say that every fucking minute of this is all your fault, as you've done to me.
I think I've run out of steam. I think I've run out of bandwidth. ;)
Anyhow, things are different for me now. I've met someone good, and things are good. We're learning much about each other, and I'm starting to be able to read him better. Such as on the way to the wedding, and I could tell that he was upset and I knew why. S'okay. We talked about things after the wedding (like me feeling like I was always the one reaching for his hand or whatever), and that's improving now. S'good. There's a lot in J that I look for in a guy, that I've realized I look for in a guy (before I met him), and I'm happy. Usually. :) Sometimes I think I'm too needy, or that my perceptions are screwed up because I've come from a bunch of relationships and so I'm expecting too much too soon from this fledgling one. As well, because I'm hanging out now at times with a crowd that's older than I am, with people who've been seeing each other and living together for several years, it's messing up my perceptions a bit, too.
And I think that's all that's in my head for now. Well, there are other things, dirty details, but I'll save 'em for later when I'm feeling that kind of post. This one I wanted to get off my chest. :)
In the end... I don't look back at it all and feel that it was a waste of time. It was a growing experience, and there were times that were good. He was there for me through some bad shit, even if he didn't always say the right thing. I know that in terms of who has more anger and hatred and hurt right now, it's him. I'm mostly reacting to him and the stupidities in the situation, like being accountable for the whole damn mess. I don't think that's fair, especially when he's trying to paint himself as perfect. I think that's bull. And I think I've said so here. :)
But if you want to know how horrid a person I am, feel free to ask. I'll be sure to tell you, even if I'm not proud of it. I'm not a very nice person. :P
I feel stuck in my house, but there's nowhere I want to go or be. I wouldn't mind snuggling up with J, but I also want to give him some space, and let him be a bit. Y'know, not give him too much of my personality at once. ;)
Sometimes my mom'll joke about me breaking things off with the guys I'm seeing; like, she'll say, "Oh, have you tired of this one already?" or "What's wrong, he doesn't want to see you tonight? Did you guys break up already?" I can't come up with good examples, but those are some of them, I guess. I don't know... when I think about it, it upsets me. I want to say to her, "Do you ever think that maybe these guys hurt me? Yeah, maybe I do the the breaking up a lot, but maybe I have a good reason?" It's like with some people; I'm always the one at fault in their eyes. It's never them.
Which leads me to a rant I wanted to have and was composing for awhile. As with all things I compose for awhile, it never is as good as I imagine (or so I'm speculating), but I'm going to try. Here goes:
An open letter to the coworker (albeit one he's likely not to read, and that's just fine)
Grow the fuck up and take some accountability for yourself. If you have to keep telling people that you're a good guy and a nice person and whatnot, maybe you aren't. If you think people at work think you're a prick, maybe they do (okay, not fair, but so what? I'm not trying to be). If you hate your job and you think you're a fat fuck (his words), stop complaining about it and do something about it! You're going to be 31 in a week and a half. Y'know what? You may have your own place (with roommates) and your own car (leased), but in some ways you're way the fuck behind me.
There is no winning in a discussion with you. If I say something that upsets you, it's my fault. But if you say something that upsets me, it's my fault. You said that something about me kept drawing you back to me and that I led you on and you couldn't stay away. You claimed that you tried to break things off with me, but you couldn't, or that I wouldn't let you. Did I hold a gun to your head? Did I tie you up and force you to stay? You say that I treated you like a boyfriend, and better than anyone you ever went out with before. But you also complained that you didn't feel like a boyfriend, you didn't know where you stood with me, and that I treated you like shit.
Everything is my fault. You felt like I would run back to the ex- at any given moment, even though I explained to you that things were not like that, that they didn't and wouldn't work like that, and that was part of what I had problems dealing with. He was my Achilles heel. He was my first love. You were never a boyfriend to me, and I never told you you were. Things were never settled between us, and that was okay with me, because I didn't want things to be settled with us. I told you from the start that I was not looking for a boyfriend, and yet you got upset with me when I didn't treat you as one.
You said that I felt patronized and condescended to by you (in the following conversation, you refer to me as 'sweety' in what I can only term as a condescending manner, especially considering that you called your new girlfriend the exact same thing today. "Sweety" used during a fight or tense conversation such as this one was can be nothing less than condescending or patronizing, don't you agree? Probably not). You told me how I felt, and what I thought. Yet when I got upset with you for it, you said that you couldn't possibly know how I felt and that you knew what you were saying was wrong.
Some of my favourite quotes from my last major written conversation with you (with editorial comments included at the end of each):
Jen says:
Because any time I've tried to talk to you, name or name, I get stonewalled.
coworker says:
right
coworker says:
you've never tried, sweety
Jen says:
And because you've told me that you don't believe anything I say, so... where does that leave me?
coworker says:
(at least not to me)
coworker says:
Hey, I didn't say that. I believe what I believe. But I have an open mind about everything. But if I *DON"T* believe it, I will tell you, straight up"
(Or in my experience, simply respond to everything I say with either an eye-rolling or a "right", both in text or in spoken word).
coworker says:
If I thought you deserved my friendship, I'd consider it. But you really don't"
Sorry for the length of this one, but the whole thing just has to be included to be believed:
coworker says:
Pizza guy is probably still your friend, because he obviously cared for you on a lesser level than I did
coworker says:
But I truely wanted to help you. To see you grow professionally and personally. And sometimes my honesty was misinterpreted as being an asshole. But as soon as I got too close (by getting upset when you did stupid things), you got scared
coworker says:
and you had to find a relationship more 'fun'
coworker says:
someday you will find someone who is fun, but also cares for you as deeply as I did, and when you're ready to care for them back, you will find a new level of existance.
coworker says:
until then, just be careful
coworker says:
that's all.
Jen says:
I'm sorry that I didn't care for the same way that you cared for me. I never pretended otherwise, however.
coworker says:
well, you did trick me sometimes
coworker says:
tricked me into believing that there was some hope
Jen says:
You say that, but I don't think so. You could have asked me at anytime how I felt, but that was pretty clear by the fact that you stopped telling me how you felt because it made me uncomfortable.
coworker says:
and it was all my fault that I believed it.
Jen says:
I think you let yourself believe it, but it's not fair to blame me for how you were interpreting my actions.
coworker says:
I stopped doing a lot of things. But then you'd complain that my hugs sucked or my kisses sucked. Well they sucked for a reason
coworker says:
It's fair for me to blame you for committing those actions KNOWING how I felt about you
Jen says:
So because you cared about me more than I cared about you, I should have stopped seeing you?
coworker says:
yes, you should have
coworker says:
And I was able to deal with it then
coworker says:
I tried to do that, but you wouldn't have it
Jen says:
How about, out of self-preservation, you should have left the relationship?
coworker says:
I tried, sweety
Jen says:
Okay
coworker says:
everytime I distanced myself, you complained that it 'sucked'
Jen says:
Don't just distance yourself, break it off.
coworker says:
I was fully willing to have a 'sister' like attitude towards you.
coworker says:
Oh, yeah. Easy to say now. You think I WANTED to break it off?
coworker says:
You kept advancing on me, and quite frankly, I liked it. And I thought you liked it too.
So, fully willing to have a sister like attitude towards me, yet you asked me many times to stop wearing my perfume because it made you want to be close to me, you couldn't help putting your fucking hands up my shirt or skirt at work, and putting your chin on my shoulder, smelling my jacket because it smelled of me, and giving me hugs, and you could have treated me like a sister?! And then you say that and next line you say you didn't want to break it off. And this is my fault.
Jen says:
Well, you're putting all this damn blame on me coworker, and you're a bloody grown man who is perfectly responsible for his actions, just the same as I am for mine. I've never said I was perfect out of this, but you're sure as hell trying to come off like you are.
coworker says:
I'm pretty perfect, most of the time.
coworker says:
Yes... I was stupid for thinking I could have a relationship with you. It was MY fault that I fell for you in the first place. And yes, I knew it wasn't going to work.
coworker says:
BUT, I was always honest with you, and I asked you many times, that if you're going to start seeing someone else, that you have the COMMON DECENCY to tell me. And you always agreed.
coworker says:
You don't think I KNEW I would lose you to someone else? Of course not. I never trusted you that way. But I always believed that you respected me enough to be honest with me.
coworker says:
and THAT was my downfall
Jen says:
Yes, and as I keep saying I WAS GOING TO FUCKING TELL YOU. But, you had to have the COMMON DECENCY to read my PRIVATE conversations over my fucking shoulder.
coworker says:
well, Jenny. You didn't fucking tell me.
coworker says:
Whether you were going to or not, is NOT my concern
Jen says:
Well, coworkery, I didn't get the fucking chance.
coworker says:
hey, and you know what... like I said. What happens in my studio is my business.
And yes, that -y at the end of the last name reference was deliberate. He knew I didn't like being called Jenny, the same as he didn't like being called by the full version of his name. *shudder* In that case though, I just put the -y at the end, apeing him. And like it's his fucking studio... I've been with the company longer, and the other producer has been there longer. Coworker works *nights* -- that means he's lower on the fucking totem pole than the other guys that work there.
I realize he was likely being facetious with discussing how he's perfect, but it still amazes me that he'd say it... I think there was a smilie in there actually, it just didn't transfer over to text (this having been carried out over MSN).
coworker says:
anyways, that's just muck-chucking. The whole thing was a bloody mistake, and I should have just had a 'get laid' mentality about you the whole time
coworker says:
too bad I cared for you too much. Oh well.
This is him just trying to take shots, but it's bloody charming nonetheless.
I like this rant that I had (and the subsequent conversations that follow):
Jen says:
But I don't think you really want to understand my side of things, anyways. Because if you did, you'd have to think that perhaps you had a hand in all of this, and it's easier this way. It's easier for me to be the bitch and the demon, and to have proved you right and not be worthy of your love.
Jen says:
It's easier for you to be the victim and for you to be able to denounce everything I say as lies, instead of acknowledging that you and I are both PEOPLE and that when PEOPLE get involved in RELATIONSHIPS, things are no long BLACK and WHITE.
coworker says:
ok
coworker says:
shrug
coworker says:
if I thought you had any interest in being my friend...
coworker says:
But really... There are a lot of factors
Jen says:
If you stopped treating me like every time I opened my mouth it would be to tell you another lie, MAYBE I might consider it. But frankly? I don't know.
coworker says:
I don't think I could be friends with someone I gave so much to, and who treated me the way you did especially when you knew how I felt about you.
coworker says:
Well, I DO know that friendship is not an option
Jen says:
Fine.
coworker says:
so that's it then
coworker says:
?
Jen says:
I don't know. Guess so.
Jen says:
You don't want to be friends with me, so... what more is there?
Jen says:
You're not interested in hearing what I have to say with an open mind, so I don't try.
coworker says:
Dunno. I've felt I've been a burden on you for months... and you've never done anything to make me feel otherwise
coworker says:
You don't even TRY to talk to me Jen.
coworker says:
you don't say anything for me to not believe.
Jen says:
Yes, I do. Above, I said some things about J, and you just shrug it off, or say "right", like whatever I say is a lie. So, I stopped trying.
coworker says:
You're going to tell me, J was different. Special. He treats me good. I HAD to go to him. Ok. Fine.
Jen says:
I didn't have to do anything.
Basically, any time we talk, you waffle back and forth between saying that maybe friendship is an option, and you're trying to be my friend (WHICH IS THE BIGGEST FUCKING CROCK OF SHIT I'VE EVER HEARD), and then you say that friendship isn't an option, I don't deserve your friendship, and wouldn't want to be my friend anyways. So why the fuck are you wasting my time?!
In all honesty, this reminds me of a situation I had years and years ago with someone else older than me that I was involved with (meaning, we made out twice and talked online a lot), and that ended poorly and that was a big mess all around and who, coincidentally, shared the same name... I wouldn't speak to him, wouldn't email him or have anything to do with him, then every few months out of the blue he'd email me and tell me what a horrid person I was. Things are better between us now, that kind of shit doesn't happen, but sometimes I feel like the only reason that you get in touch with me is to tell me what a bitch and whore I am and how I did your poor heart wrong.
I always hated when you used all caps. I'd use them back at you because it felt like me taking a dig, even if you didn't realize I was doing it.
However, those weren't the quotes I was looking for. More hunting. (Every now and then when a conversation amuses or upsets me and I want to possibly reread it later when I'm removed from the situation, I save it to a draft file in my yahoo mail. That's what I'm searching through now). Damn. Can't seem to find it. There was one beautiful quote from you... you said something to the effect of you would tell me how I felt (i.e., "You feel that I'm patronizing to you"), but that you couldn't possibly know how I actually did think or feel because you weren't a mind-reader... so I was left wondering, "Then what the fuck do you bother doing it for?" But I think at the time I was trying to play nice, so I bit my tongue. I did that a lot more than you ever realized or are willing to admit to.
I stopped having sex with you because it started to be (continued to be?) boring. You didn't move in ways that felt good for me, because they wouldn't get you off, and yet when you moved the way you needed to, you couldn't get off anyways. Other means of getting you off took forever and didn't always work very well. You said that you could hardly ever get off with me because you didn't trust me enough to completely relax. Somehow, that was also my fault.
Somewhere in here, I think you need to take the blame for some things. I think you were afraid and upset because you knew I was not going to fall in love with you like you did with me, because I was still hung up on the ex-, and even if I hadn't been, I don't think I would have fallen for you. So in order to hide the fact that you felt stupid or whatever for falling for me, you had to say that you didn't trust me and this and that and the other thing.
And y'know what? To some extent you were right not to trust me. I can admit to that now, albeit in a forum where you're not likely to find out, 'cause it's all old news and I'm not one for twisting a knife or rubbing salt in a wound. The ex- was my Achilles heel, and I couldn't seem to stop myself from fooling around with him to a point when he was in town. But there were a few reasons for that; for one, I didn't have a defined relationship with you. For two, I was still hung up on him, and somewhere in my twisted, pointy little head, I thought that perhaps if we did fool around somewhat, he'd remember how great I was (hah), and want to leave his girlfriend, whom he was perfectly willing to fully cheat on (i.e., he asked me to fuck him or to let him fuck me on *many, many* occasions), and what held me back was the knowledge of how fucked up in the head I'd end up if I did -- even more so than I was already. For three, I was in a fucked up period of time, and had been for awhile, and told you so. I don't claim to be completely blameless at all; I know I fucked up. A lot. More than I probably should have, or deserved to. But at least I'm not trying to say that every fucking minute of this is all your fault, as you've done to me.
I think I've run out of steam. I think I've run out of bandwidth. ;)
Anyhow, things are different for me now. I've met someone good, and things are good. We're learning much about each other, and I'm starting to be able to read him better. Such as on the way to the wedding, and I could tell that he was upset and I knew why. S'okay. We talked about things after the wedding (like me feeling like I was always the one reaching for his hand or whatever), and that's improving now. S'good. There's a lot in J that I look for in a guy, that I've realized I look for in a guy (before I met him), and I'm happy. Usually. :) Sometimes I think I'm too needy, or that my perceptions are screwed up because I've come from a bunch of relationships and so I'm expecting too much too soon from this fledgling one. As well, because I'm hanging out now at times with a crowd that's older than I am, with people who've been seeing each other and living together for several years, it's messing up my perceptions a bit, too.
And I think that's all that's in my head for now. Well, there are other things, dirty details, but I'll save 'em for later when I'm feeling that kind of post. This one I wanted to get off my chest. :)
In the end... I don't look back at it all and feel that it was a waste of time. It was a growing experience, and there were times that were good. He was there for me through some bad shit, even if he didn't always say the right thing. I know that in terms of who has more anger and hatred and hurt right now, it's him. I'm mostly reacting to him and the stupidities in the situation, like being accountable for the whole damn mess. I don't think that's fair, especially when he's trying to paint himself as perfect. I think that's bull. And I think I've said so here. :)
But if you want to know how horrid a person I am, feel free to ask. I'll be sure to tell you, even if I'm not proud of it. I'm not a very nice person. :P
2002/08/07
So life is progressing. Wrote my exam tonight for the English course, got fucked on the second assignment I handed in. The TA marked it, so I might email the prof and see if she'll take a look at it for me, maybe see what she thinks of it.
Had a meeting for work today, found out I could have asked for a raise after 3 months on the job; I've been doing the Sunday shift for the last year and three quarters or so, still at my introductory salary. :P :)
If only I could be making millions of dollars, then I'd be happy... oh well, something to look forward to in the future.
Okay, time for horrid movies... yeah, Super Troopers. Urgh. J picked it, not I. :)
Had a meeting for work today, found out I could have asked for a raise after 3 months on the job; I've been doing the Sunday shift for the last year and three quarters or so, still at my introductory salary. :P :)
If only I could be making millions of dollars, then I'd be happy... oh well, something to look forward to in the future.
Okay, time for horrid movies... yeah, Super Troopers. Urgh. J picked it, not I. :)
2002/08/04
Okay, so I think I've now seen an even more gross commercial than the toilet paper ones. (That's your warning, it's gonna get graphic. Don't read on if you don't want to).
We see a man, from his little daughter's perspective, with a newspaper under his arm (showing the crossword puzzle), heading into the washroom. Then the little girl wanders into the washroom after he's done, holds her shirt up over her mouth and nose, and runs to her mother in the kitchen, who is unpacking groceries. She waves towards the washroom, making a face or pinching her nose or something, and then smiling Mom, whose shit smells like roses, picks up the new-fangled stinky thing that Glade (or whatever company, I don't recall) is now manufacturing and hooks it over the rim of the toilet bowl. Little daughter flushes the toilet and smiles at the beautiful chemical scent and computer-added sparkles that appear.
Now, I have a question. If Dad just took a big smelly crap in the toilet bowl, why doesn't Mom hesitate to stick her face in the bowl to add this new thing? Now, toilet bowls don't bother me much. I'm not big on sticking my face in them, but I don't get overly wimpy about them in general. However, maybe I'm just weak-stomached, but I'm not overly eager to stick my face near a toilet bowl when it seems like someone has just been in there for awhile, especially if the air seems particularly toxic.
And one final last thought. There is a whole mythology that surrounds women and their bodily functions, so that some men are actually revolted at the thought of their girlfriends, wives or significant others doing a 'number two.' There are all kinds of 'manly' terms for the act: taking a dump, taking a crap, etc., etc., and it's real manly and tough and it's something gross, so it's okay to associate it with men. Men are tough and they sometimes have to deal with the gross things in life (killing spiders), and so it's okay for them to have this additional bodily function. However, women are delicate and perfumed and soft and sensitive, so they don't do things that are tough or unfeminine. Men can handle that women pee; it's clean, it's quick, if you write your name in the snow, it's even fun! But heaven forbid that they be human and have this secondary bodily function. Women don't have assholes unless they're ex-boyfriends or the men are into anal sex.
There's my little feminist rant for now. It's not a good one, but I'm still tired.
On totally different notes, survived the day yesterday. I was up at 4:45 for my 6 a.m. until noon shift, which was a blast and a half. I got to bed around 12:30 the night before, and didn't sleep very well, including waking up at 2 in the morning to be ill for a second time from the Taco Bell I'd consumed for dinner. Yay, me. Came back to J's, figured out how the day was going to go (hopefully), then caught a quick nap and started scrambling. I'll spare the details, but suffice it to say that we didn't get to the wedding until about quarter to five, meaning we totally missed the ceremony, which sucked, but got to hang out, chatting with everyone all afternoon. Had some dinner, had some laughs, left around quarter after ten or so, since it was a long drive and there was still a lot of back and forth that I, as the sole driver, had to do (J's car is broken, so we borrowed my mom's car, and no one else that we were chauffering drove stick).
Came back to J's last night around 1, napped for a bit, then got some take out and watched the final bits of Jimmy Neutron before going to bed around 3. I'm still feeling a bit tired, but otherwise okay.
I realized some things about the ex- last night and chatted with his cousin about him for a bit, who confirmed it. It's not just me; she agrees, so it's okay for me to think it's so. I'm not going to go into it too much right now, but basically every time I talk to him it's about what he's doing and who he's interested in, and he doesn't seem too interested in what's going on with me and J, for example. Sometimes I might deflect some of his questions, but it's always him that needs reassuring that he's attractive or whatever, and it's about the conflicts that he's experiencing with his girlfriend or the girls he wants to screw or whatever. He'd told me awhile ago that his mom had asked if the relationship between him and the girlfriend was a sexual one, and he'd said yes. His cousin told me yesterday that apparently he'd also added that they get it only copiously. Mind, he was likely saying that to razz her, as is his way, and we weren't at a point when he'd tell me that part (I don't even know if he'd tell me that part now), but it bothered me just a bit to hear. I'm over him and all of that, but sometimes I guess I just feel kinda sad for what I thought would be and now isn't.
I'm hoping it's just PMS, but I've been feeling sad and such about a bunch of things lately. I think being around people that are further along in life than I is messing up my perceptions about what I need or want out of life compared to where I actually am. As my GP said, I need to slow down and smell the roses. On that subject, I think the coworker was the cause of a lot of my stress at that time; I don't snap at people anymore. :)
Time for me to shower and try to face the day, maybe get a bite to eat. Work should be relaxed today, so I really need to get around to typing up my notes for my class already. Likely won't, but we'll try. :) Maybe I'll chat with Jay about my concerns again, although I did discover that yesterday he has a big mouth, so we'll see. :) I just feel like a lot of things changed and no one warned me they would, so I'm floundering and not sure how I should act or be. I don't want to be playing games, but it feels like I am, and like my shields are going up because I'm confused and not sure what's going on. It almost feels like I'll get the answers I'm looking for by playing the games, because the conversations just don't seem to change anything.
Anyhow, shower time. Stop thinking. :P
We see a man, from his little daughter's perspective, with a newspaper under his arm (showing the crossword puzzle), heading into the washroom. Then the little girl wanders into the washroom after he's done, holds her shirt up over her mouth and nose, and runs to her mother in the kitchen, who is unpacking groceries. She waves towards the washroom, making a face or pinching her nose or something, and then smiling Mom, whose shit smells like roses, picks up the new-fangled stinky thing that Glade (or whatever company, I don't recall) is now manufacturing and hooks it over the rim of the toilet bowl. Little daughter flushes the toilet and smiles at the beautiful chemical scent and computer-added sparkles that appear.
Now, I have a question. If Dad just took a big smelly crap in the toilet bowl, why doesn't Mom hesitate to stick her face in the bowl to add this new thing? Now, toilet bowls don't bother me much. I'm not big on sticking my face in them, but I don't get overly wimpy about them in general. However, maybe I'm just weak-stomached, but I'm not overly eager to stick my face near a toilet bowl when it seems like someone has just been in there for awhile, especially if the air seems particularly toxic.
And one final last thought. There is a whole mythology that surrounds women and their bodily functions, so that some men are actually revolted at the thought of their girlfriends, wives or significant others doing a 'number two.' There are all kinds of 'manly' terms for the act: taking a dump, taking a crap, etc., etc., and it's real manly and tough and it's something gross, so it's okay to associate it with men. Men are tough and they sometimes have to deal with the gross things in life (killing spiders), and so it's okay for them to have this additional bodily function. However, women are delicate and perfumed and soft and sensitive, so they don't do things that are tough or unfeminine. Men can handle that women pee; it's clean, it's quick, if you write your name in the snow, it's even fun! But heaven forbid that they be human and have this secondary bodily function. Women don't have assholes unless they're ex-boyfriends or the men are into anal sex.
There's my little feminist rant for now. It's not a good one, but I'm still tired.
On totally different notes, survived the day yesterday. I was up at 4:45 for my 6 a.m. until noon shift, which was a blast and a half. I got to bed around 12:30 the night before, and didn't sleep very well, including waking up at 2 in the morning to be ill for a second time from the Taco Bell I'd consumed for dinner. Yay, me. Came back to J's, figured out how the day was going to go (hopefully), then caught a quick nap and started scrambling. I'll spare the details, but suffice it to say that we didn't get to the wedding until about quarter to five, meaning we totally missed the ceremony, which sucked, but got to hang out, chatting with everyone all afternoon. Had some dinner, had some laughs, left around quarter after ten or so, since it was a long drive and there was still a lot of back and forth that I, as the sole driver, had to do (J's car is broken, so we borrowed my mom's car, and no one else that we were chauffering drove stick).
Came back to J's last night around 1, napped for a bit, then got some take out and watched the final bits of Jimmy Neutron before going to bed around 3. I'm still feeling a bit tired, but otherwise okay.
I realized some things about the ex- last night and chatted with his cousin about him for a bit, who confirmed it. It's not just me; she agrees, so it's okay for me to think it's so. I'm not going to go into it too much right now, but basically every time I talk to him it's about what he's doing and who he's interested in, and he doesn't seem too interested in what's going on with me and J, for example. Sometimes I might deflect some of his questions, but it's always him that needs reassuring that he's attractive or whatever, and it's about the conflicts that he's experiencing with his girlfriend or the girls he wants to screw or whatever. He'd told me awhile ago that his mom had asked if the relationship between him and the girlfriend was a sexual one, and he'd said yes. His cousin told me yesterday that apparently he'd also added that they get it only copiously. Mind, he was likely saying that to razz her, as is his way, and we weren't at a point when he'd tell me that part (I don't even know if he'd tell me that part now), but it bothered me just a bit to hear. I'm over him and all of that, but sometimes I guess I just feel kinda sad for what I thought would be and now isn't.
I'm hoping it's just PMS, but I've been feeling sad and such about a bunch of things lately. I think being around people that are further along in life than I is messing up my perceptions about what I need or want out of life compared to where I actually am. As my GP said, I need to slow down and smell the roses. On that subject, I think the coworker was the cause of a lot of my stress at that time; I don't snap at people anymore. :)
Time for me to shower and try to face the day, maybe get a bite to eat. Work should be relaxed today, so I really need to get around to typing up my notes for my class already. Likely won't, but we'll try. :) Maybe I'll chat with Jay about my concerns again, although I did discover that yesterday he has a big mouth, so we'll see. :) I just feel like a lot of things changed and no one warned me they would, so I'm floundering and not sure how I should act or be. I don't want to be playing games, but it feels like I am, and like my shields are going up because I'm confused and not sure what's going on. It almost feels like I'll get the answers I'm looking for by playing the games, because the conversations just don't seem to change anything.
Anyhow, shower time. Stop thinking. :P
2002/08/02
Today's attempt at interesting news:
I got my nails done yesterday for the first time. I'm now sporting some acrylic fancies with rounded edges and a french manicure. Funky funky.
Then today I got my hair cut, and the guy who did my hair also works at a salon near my place, so he told me I should stop by to say hi. We were talking about tanning (he was much more tan than I), and he was trying to encourage me to stop by and tan, and I believe that he was even offering me a free first tan. We'll see if I actually do it. :)
I was really tempted to get my second tattoo today, but I've spent so much money the last few days that I just couldn't justify it at the moment. That and my vitamin E pills are at home, and I didn't feel like spending the money to buy more. I figure I'll wait and have it done for my birthday or some other special occasion that I make up.
Got the wedding tomorrow, which is why I'm working 6 a.m. until noon tomorrow. Urgh. I plan on being very cranky. :)
Anyhow, nothing too exciting today, but I like my last post, so that'll be today's exciting content. Enjoy. :)
I got my nails done yesterday for the first time. I'm now sporting some acrylic fancies with rounded edges and a french manicure. Funky funky.
Then today I got my hair cut, and the guy who did my hair also works at a salon near my place, so he told me I should stop by to say hi. We were talking about tanning (he was much more tan than I), and he was trying to encourage me to stop by and tan, and I believe that he was even offering me a free first tan. We'll see if I actually do it. :)
I was really tempted to get my second tattoo today, but I've spent so much money the last few days that I just couldn't justify it at the moment. That and my vitamin E pills are at home, and I didn't feel like spending the money to buy more. I figure I'll wait and have it done for my birthday or some other special occasion that I make up.
Got the wedding tomorrow, which is why I'm working 6 a.m. until noon tomorrow. Urgh. I plan on being very cranky. :)
Anyhow, nothing too exciting today, but I like my last post, so that'll be today's exciting content. Enjoy. :)
2002/08/01
There are certain commercials and advertisements I can understand. While I may not enjoy them, I can still accept them.
Case in point? Commercials for feminine hygiene products. These commercials don't bother me, although I'll never really understand the ubiquitous blue fluid; we find this in diaper commercials as well. Nonetheless, there are some companies -- Kotex, I believe, is one -- that are making their advertisements entertaining, and often eliminating the product entirely. This appears to be a growing trend in advertising. Talk about the product (sometimes), show people who are more than likely using the product (for example, women in tampon commercials), but don't show us the product itself or its use (okay, fine, a bit graphic for some of the products, I admit).
However, there is one particular product that is being advertising in an increasingly graphic manner that I absolutely do not understand and cannot stand.
It started with a play on the old joke, "Do bears crap in the woods?" Well, the ad showed us a bear doing, theoretically, just that. The product was promoted as leaving someone feeling "comfy clean" afterwards. Kinda gross, but not so bad. Although it did teach me that bears hum and read the paper while doing their business... and then afterwards, they flush the tree. I know of some people (who will remain nameless) that these bears could give lessons to. Although apparently bears don't feel the same need for privacy that people do, as these trees were out in the open and right next to one another; no shelter was provided. Regardless...
Now, it has progressed to a 30-second commercial filled with shots of people's asses, generally dressed in light-coloured clothing, performing various activities (including running hurdle courses), and the voiceover is discussing everything from cleanliness to the comfort of knowing you're clean to the ripples in the product that help you to feel clean afterwards.
Why not just spell it out? "Our product will remove all the disgusting from your body with one wipe! Never wipe twice again! We promise!"
Eesh. I could get grosser, but I don't want to. Frankly, I know what the hell toilet paper is, I know what it's for, and I don't need some disembodied voice on the television (or radio, I got to upload the radio versions of the bear spots) telling me that their product is remarkably soft and yet manages to get rid of everything and leave me feeling comfy clean afterwards. Yeesh. I'll buy the product and try it (only way to do so, really), and if I'm happy, then I'll buy it again. But showing me shots of people's asses in spandex running hurdles or skipping around in a vast open field does not entice me to buy freaking toilet paper.
Once again, I'm censoring myself for grossness, here.
Anyhow, just wanted to write that before I forgot. I'm off to bed, and since I've just showered, I'm feeling comfy clean. Without the help of any kind of rippled toilet paper.
Case in point? Commercials for feminine hygiene products. These commercials don't bother me, although I'll never really understand the ubiquitous blue fluid; we find this in diaper commercials as well. Nonetheless, there are some companies -- Kotex, I believe, is one -- that are making their advertisements entertaining, and often eliminating the product entirely. This appears to be a growing trend in advertising. Talk about the product (sometimes), show people who are more than likely using the product (for example, women in tampon commercials), but don't show us the product itself or its use (okay, fine, a bit graphic for some of the products, I admit).
However, there is one particular product that is being advertising in an increasingly graphic manner that I absolutely do not understand and cannot stand.
It started with a play on the old joke, "Do bears crap in the woods?" Well, the ad showed us a bear doing, theoretically, just that. The product was promoted as leaving someone feeling "comfy clean" afterwards. Kinda gross, but not so bad. Although it did teach me that bears hum and read the paper while doing their business... and then afterwards, they flush the tree. I know of some people (who will remain nameless) that these bears could give lessons to. Although apparently bears don't feel the same need for privacy that people do, as these trees were out in the open and right next to one another; no shelter was provided. Regardless...
Now, it has progressed to a 30-second commercial filled with shots of people's asses, generally dressed in light-coloured clothing, performing various activities (including running hurdle courses), and the voiceover is discussing everything from cleanliness to the comfort of knowing you're clean to the ripples in the product that help you to feel clean afterwards.
Why not just spell it out? "Our product will remove all the disgusting from your body with one wipe! Never wipe twice again! We promise!"
Eesh. I could get grosser, but I don't want to. Frankly, I know what the hell toilet paper is, I know what it's for, and I don't need some disembodied voice on the television (or radio, I got to upload the radio versions of the bear spots) telling me that their product is remarkably soft and yet manages to get rid of everything and leave me feeling comfy clean afterwards. Yeesh. I'll buy the product and try it (only way to do so, really), and if I'm happy, then I'll buy it again. But showing me shots of people's asses in spandex running hurdles or skipping around in a vast open field does not entice me to buy freaking toilet paper.
Once again, I'm censoring myself for grossness, here.
Anyhow, just wanted to write that before I forgot. I'm off to bed, and since I've just showered, I'm feeling comfy clean. Without the help of any kind of rippled toilet paper.
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