Trying to keep track of all my work...

APRIL	What?	Done?
The 2nd	Register for fall/winter semester
The 8th	Qualitative Methods presentations (group)
The 9th	Culture jamming project due (advertising)
The 11th	Group dynamics presentation
The 11th	Final reflection paper due (last day)
The 11th	Negotiation assignment due
The 15th	Qualitative Methods presentations (group)
The 16th	Media Industries due before noon (20-25 pages) (in threes)
The 22th	Ad techniques midterm due (take-home)
The 25th	Group dynamics paper due (10-12 pages) (group)
The 26th	Negotiation take-home due (take-home)

*sigh* I need to take time off to do all these assignments, and yet... no time to actually do them. So stupid. On the 2nd I may go to class, leave at 9, then go register at the computer lab (instead of at my damn department!), and then go back to class. Very stupid.

I want to go home. I feel restless and bored and stressed and all sorts of things. I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to do for my culture jamming project, when I'm going to get everything else done and written... and blah. One of the security guards that used to work here called me up this afternoon, so he and I are going to go have dinner on Wednesday. Was very unexpected, but kinda cool. :)

I wish my papers weren't group papers; I don't have the brainpower/creativity to come up with 7 pages of balogna here and there, and I don't like waiting for other people. There's a girl in one of my groups whose English and writing skills just isn't that up to par, so I'm sure I'm going to have to edit her part I think. I don't want to. :(

I'm doing the powerpoint slides for two different groups, too... that's work there. It's not overly tough, but it does take time. Luckily all the papers that I'm presenting (generally) aren't due the same day of the presentation.

Okay, so I don't really have anything to say right now; I'm too restless to really write, and since I have to (kinda) listen to this program, then I can't really read either. Can't concentrate! Argh!

I hate when people make jokes that imply that I'm promiscuous. It's something that's bothered me ever since I was young.

For the most part, I've outgrown it... but I was telling the coworker a story about a party I was at once... it was pizza guy's party, and I was drunk (the drunkest I'd been at that point). I met a friend of pizza guy's, and pizza guy had told me a bunch of times that apparently this guy had a big cock (it seems that a bunch of the friend's exes kept telling pizza guy this, without knowing that pizza guy was a friend of his). Okay, fine. So, I'm kinda drunk, I meet this guy, and I say hi to him by saying something along the lines of, 'Hey, nice to meet you. I hear you have a big cock!'

I think it kinda floored him for a second, but he recovered, and said something modest like, 'Yeah, that's what I've been told.' I've since seen the guy a bunch of times, and he's fun. None of pizza guy's close friends are particularly uptight, and from what he'd said of this guy, he could handle the comment. Fine, so maybe I shouldn't have said it, but I was drunk. Sue me. If I'd thought (or been told) that he was offended, I would have gone and apologized, no problem at all.

So I tell coworker this story, and he says, "well, I'm sure you got to see it eventually." WTF? I'd go and check the holdings of the friend of someone I was sleeping with? Yes, I've done a lot of bad things, but I'm trying to fix them, and I'd certainly not do something like that unless I had express permission from the guy I'd been with; you don't do things with your exes friends. That's one of the rules. I'd also not be checking out someone's package like that; not at a party, not unless I was going to be getting that guy off or sleeping with him. That's just not something I do.

Then coworker starts going on about how I talk about sex, like 90% of the time, and how sometimes it's inappropriate... but he won't tell me about any times I've discussed sex when it was inappropriate, except for saying that telling some guy that you've heard he has a big cock is inappropriate. *sigh* Right. So I told him that he probably just wasn't used to being around a girl that could discuss sex maturely and actually have interesting points to make. I'm *ever* so sorry that I am educated about sex. Would it be somehow better if I were one of these chicks that thought that douching with Coke would keep you from getting pregnant?!?

Fuck. I'm so sick of people who can't deal with a girl who can discuss sex intelligently and maturely. I'm so sick of not being taken seriously because I'm young and female and look innocent. I'm so sick of being considered a promiscuous person because I am willing to experiment, enjoy variety, and can talk and joke about sex!

I'm also sick of people more or less saying that if I were in love with the person that I was sleeping with, I wouldn't need to experiment. Fuck that! Don't try to tell me that your sex life is better than mine because you and your girlfriend or boyfriend don't like to tie each other up or use toys or something. You can fucking be in love with someone and still use a blindfold or roleplay or use a vibrator. Just 'cause I've done that doesn't mean that I've never been in love with the person I'm having sex with. Your sex life is not more satisfying than mine because you're content to get ridden or fuck missionary style, maybe with some puppy style thrown in for
those 'special, experimental' nights.

I'm also sick of being considered deviant or weird or abnormal because I do like to experiment and try other things. Just because to me puppy style isn't being risky and non-vanilla doesn't mean that I consider myself better than you because your sex life is tamer than mine. What works for you, works for you. Don't knock what works for me.

I'm not into water sports or scat play, but I try to avoid judging the people that are. If it works for them and they enjoy it, then great. Just don't be upset with me if I turn you down if you ask me to join in. The same way that pizza guy and his friends were about when I turned down smoking up with them; they don't care one way or the other if I do or don't, and there was no pressure to join in. That attitude was incredibly appreciated on my part.

Sorry, got a few rants stored up. I think I'm done. Although the down arrow on this keyboard sticks and that annoys me, but not enough that I'm going to rant about it. :)

*sigh* Sometimes it feels like my decision is being made for me. I think I've lost interest/enjoyment in sex, so that solves all kinds of problems!

Chatted with Di for a bit last night; her vote was to email H. I think I will.. just don't want it to seem aggressive, and I think it would be a touch easier to iron out the situation with pizza guy first, since his roommate/H's R hates me, and it would be easier to see her if he didn't. Pizza guy doesn't, but he does.

Can I just run away? Argh. Gotta get ready for the long day (*sigh*)... got invited to go to Montreal tonight, but I can't really skip my class to do it, although I'd dearly love to... gotta keep my deadlines in mind so that I don't keep forgetting about any of them.

It's an unfair stereotype, and I probably shouldn't be subscribing to it, but... I just sometimes have a hard time believing that guys feel the same way that girls do. I buy into the whole stupid socialization of men, that they're big and tough and strong and manly, and they don't cry... even though I've held four different guys in the last year as they cried.

I've lain in my bed and cried myself nearly ill, unable to get a whole night's sleep because of a guy. I woke up the next morning with eyes swollen to hell... and I have felt this tearing pain as if nothing will ever feel right again. I've broken down, sobbing, because of a guy (and because of a cat), and I just can't imagine a guy feeling the same way. I've been told by guys that they love me, and I guess I just don't imagine them caring the same way that I care. Maybe I just see myself as unloveable, I don't know.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying guys can't feel the same way, or lay crying in their beds because their girlfriends broke up with them or something, but... it just feels different, as unfair as that may or may not be.

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And just for the record, that last post is from today, and right now: 3/27/02: 7:04 a.m.

Oops, didn't mean to post that here. Ignore that post... it's supposed to be on unCultured.com.

I need to do updates, but I just haven't felt like writing much over the last little while. I completely avoided my 8:30 class on Tuesday morning; didn't feel like getting up, didn't feel that I needed to be there. Normally I'd get up at 6:30 for it, and leave the house at 7:30... I woke up at 11:30 when my mom called. :) I'm sure that going to bed at 2 didn't help, but I likely could have woken up if I had tried.

Been having arguments/disagreements (not strong enoughto call fights) with the boys: the ex- and the coworker. I went and saw the pizza guy last Wednesday and hung out with him for a bit. Coworker is telling me he wants a defined relationship, because he does't like that we can both just drop each other at a moment's notice with our current arrangement. I'm wondering about telling him that I want some time before I do devote myself to that kind of relationship. I don't know.

The ex- is being kinda frustrating. He's telling me that he misses me and thinks about sleeping with me and blah blah blah... and then is staying with his girlfriend. I told him he keeps headfucking me and it's really pissing me off and I don't want it anymore. He was getting upset with me because last night I didn't have a lot to say to him, and I told him it's 'cause our conversations keep following the same pattern, which is true. I'll log on, and it's like this:
Him: allloooo?
Me: Lo
Him: how goes?
Me: Bleh... (blah blah blah).

Okay, so that's a really crummy way of showing how the conversations follow the same pattern, but those first four lines are predictable as hell. Then it's usually him asking me how school is, how work is, what I'm up to... *sigh* I mean, c'mon. I've known this guy on and off for about 8 years. We've dated on and off for about 4 years of that. Can't we have a better conversation than that?

And I keep winding up taking digs at him for his girlfriend, or he gets upset with me because of the coworker, or because I won't tell him back that I want to sleep with him, or I wind up boosting his ego because he thinks he's ugly, or no one will sleep with him or whatever... why the fuck am I the one that has to boost his ego? Can't he go to his Toronto friends or his girlfriend or something? Doesn't he understand how much of a headfuck it is for me to be the one to do this?!

Boys are stupid. :P

And the other guy at work seemed like he was reinstating his proposition the other day. I mean, I like the guy and all, I'm flattered that he still wants to sleep with me, but what about the people who are my age that might want to date me? Or am I some psycho, unattractive, boring, smelly hosebeast or something and no one will tell me? Gee, I'm really honoured that you want to sleep with me, but y'know what? You've found someone else to sleep with and I know the main reason you're asking me again is 'cause she appears to want more from you than just a casual fuck now and then... and quite frankly, I'm difficult to get off and I don't know if you're up to the task.

Fuck.

Maybe I'll just bloody well tell everyone to piss off. Or maybe I'll do something or another to completely kill off my libido and eliminate this problem. :)

Anyhow, I gotta dig out my clarinet and get ready to head off to school. Going to a senior's home to play clarinet and hang with them for a few hours this afternoon for one of my classes. Hopefully the time will pass quickly; other than my grandparents, I tend to have very little exposure to senior's, and these poor ones are Alzheimer's patients. I hope it's going to be okay. I definitely won't be able to spend 3 hours playing, especially as I'm terribly out of practice. I hope I don't sound terrible!

I'm really tired. I was out too late last night, but it was a pretty fun time. On the way to work, I was composing this whole thing about how invisible I am, but I don't really feel like writing it up now. I feel more conversational than expressive in my writing, so I'll just do a description of last night.

Went to Grace O'Malley's with two guys from work (including the coworker) and the coworker's roommate (one of them, the other that I know better didn't feel like going out).

(Hang on, going to edit this later)

March re-redux.

March	What?	Done?
The 6th	E-journal submission (to group)	YES!
The 7th	Group Dynamics paper due (solo)	YES!
The 13th	E-journal submission (to group)	YES!
The 20th	E-journal due (submit to professor)	YES!
The 28th - April 11th	Group Dynamics paper due (solo)
The 11th of April	Negotiation due (2-3 pages)

Okay, going to bed now, but a few reminder notes to myself for my content for tomorrow:

* Write about delish boys (men *rowr*) on stage at Grace O'Malley's last night.
* Write about stupid libido (part of the original content that I cleared out).
* Update March (doing now)
* Sleep (okay, not a post)
* Write about my poor up and down moods while at Grace's.

Fuck! I hate when I do that. I hit escape in this field and it clears out all the damn stuff I wrote. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

People keep calling me about the weather today. I guess I shouldn't be too down on them, 'cause it is important, and I don't really know the weather conditions, 'cause I'm stuck here in my ivory tower, but at the same time, I don't really care. :)

I heard a spot on the air last spot set that had my voice in it -- that was pretty cool. I usually get used for spec spots, mainly 'cause I'm green and don't have a great read/can't act. I'm working on it, though! :)

More gossip going on about the work situation... got a bit of info I'm waiting to learn, but everytime I go, the girl I need to talk to is busy everytime I go. :) I'm going back to try again, I'll continue this when I get back.

I love books.

I love the weight of them in my hand. The look of the brand new covers. The smell of them, depending on the bindings and pages. I love being at the beginning of a book, reading something I've never read before and being hooked.

I love rereading good books, even if I know what they're going to say. I love rereading books that make me laugh out loud.

I love being in the middle of a book, and trying to guess how it might end. I love finishing a book; the combined sense of loss and accomplishment that I get, particularly when it was a good book.

I love having phrases and lines stuck in my head, making me laugh or think. I love being so absorbed in a book that I don't hear the things going on around me. I love being so absorbed in a book that I lose track of myself and I'm so immersed in the fantasy world that the author has created that I continue thinking about them even when I've put down the book.

Conversely, I hate people. I hate the guy that crashed into me at Rideau the other day, and turned around to see me give him a really dirty look. I hate the people that walk slowly in front of me when I'm in a hurry to go somewhere, and move in my way everytime I'm trying to move around them. I hate the people that take forever in the lineups ahead of me, but only when I'm feeling impatient. I hate the people that overlook me when I need to talk to them, or ignore me when I'm speaking.

I do like individuals. I like my friends, I like the people I get to know; I just hate crowds of people. I hate having people jostle me or run into me. Crowds are stupid; individuals are nice. :)

Not enough people are updating their sites! That's why I like reading Di's site -- she updates a lot. It's great. :)

Ah well... went over and chatted with the pizza guy for awhile yesterday. It was pretty relaxed and nice... I was nervous and feeling a bit awkward, but it was all good. At the end I gave him a hug and he held me tight and it was good. He was telling me that my female friend, who I will call H, was saying the other day (or her boyfriend was) that she never hears from me anymore. WTF?!?!!? She fazed me out to become part of the H-R entity, and she doesn't hear from *me* anymore? Pizza guy said he didn't say a word, just kept his mouth shut. He and I have had multiple discussions on the subject. I asked him if it would be out of line for me to fire off an email to her saying, "Hey, did you phase me out because of the H-R entity, or, because you were mad at me? (and I don't think it's the latter)"... he said it would be blunt and maybe a bit aggressive, but not necessarily out of line. Maybe I will Marge, maybe I will.

Then last night, I had a dream that I was going to move in with her. Weird, weird, weird.

Got a bunch of other things to write about, like the weekend with the ex-, and anything else that might be going on in my life (oh wait, nothing), but I'm running behind this morning, so I gotta move. Trying to decide between getting together with people from work tonight for one guy's birthday, or go out to far from my house (although not so far from downtown) to meet with some other friends about the trip to London in the summer. *sigh* Money! I need lots of it. :( I'll likely go out to the meeting... it'll be fun. :)

Anyhow, more later... just haven't been in the mood to write lately. Maybe I'll start writing blogs in class. :)

Did I miss an invite somewhere?

Okay, I know I've posted on this before, but here we go again.

Did I miss an instruction book or something somewhere? My cousin, who is a whole month and a half older than I am, is getting married next summer. My eldest cousin, who is somewhere around 27 or so, hasn't gotten engaged yet. Her sister, the next in line for age, isn't engaged. But my 21-year old cousin is!?

I know so many people around or at my age, who are engaged, married, or somewhere around there. My mother, who in the past has said she and my father would have serious reservations about me *living* with a guy, has said that if I was dating someone for awhile and said I was getting married, she wouldn't be against it. Uh huh. My most current ex-boyfriend (the ex-, for those of you who follow the trials and tribulations of my website) and I have dated off and on for about 5 years... and she says that she wouldn't consider him. She said that if he and I were serious about each other, we wouldn't be seeing other people.

That's funny, considering she broke up with my dad. As well, I didn't exactly want to go from 8 years of relationships (with him and another guy) into deciding at 18 or 19 that I was going to go from dating to getting engaged and married just like that. I want to live a little, live on my own, date other people... does that make me a bad person? Did I miss out on something somewhere?

*sigh* People are funny. Life is strange. I want my own apartment, and a job. I feel like I'm running behind everyone and not even close to catching up.

I know, I know, I'm overdue for an update... but I have to stop procrastinating for a bit. Argh. Interesting developments in a few fields, weird feelings, updates on the weekend with the ex-, and how that went... but later.

Oh, and apparently misread another situation, but in a good way. /me is happyish.

There are a lot of secrets you can hide in the dark.

My D&D stats:

Str: 3
Int: 13
Wis: 15
Dex: 10
Con: 6
Chr: 16

Awww... how sweet. I have someone who wants to be with me... an entry in my guestbook. Kinda weird, but what the heck. I'm not too tall, like a telephone poll... I think that's the nicest compliment. :P Mind you, the buns comment was nice as well, so whoever Jimmy Riddle is, thanks, I'm sure... but I don't get it on with people I can't identify. :)

Yo my Shizzle!

The subject header of a piece of spam I got. I think this is my new saying!

Okay, okay, so I lasted a week. I can make it longer, though, and I have before. I just have to ... well, last. :)

Nice month, March is/was. I love it. :) Our e-journals are due a week earlier than anyone figured, but that's *good*, 'cause it means that I only have to do 3 articles. I have to get working on the two big projects in my school life... actually, it would be good to get working on the other one, as well (qualitative methods). We're going to go easy on that one, though. Anyhow, gotta get moving. Not much sleep, got a bit of a headache, I think someone might be kinda interested in me (not the French boy that I've been smiling at and vice versa for awhile), but as much as I kept hoping for a nice, uncomplicated relationship out of university, I'm not interested right now. How contrary am I?

Was collecting pledges for the Max Keeping Bowl-a-thon that I'll be participating in... one of my friends/jocks at work put together a team, and I'm on it. I think it'll be fun. If you want to pledge me or go see me play, email me and I'll send you the details. :)

I actually got the balls up to ask the Big Boss if he'd pledge me. That was pretty amazing for me. :)

The ex- gets into town tonight. This weekend should be pretty telling.

TheSpark.com's Gay Test! You are 48% GAY!



That's gayer than average for someone of your gender and supposed orientation. The typical straight female is only 32% gay!
Here's how you compare:

The reason for the trailing sentences is 'cause I have to pay to get the rest of the report, and I'm not about to do that. :)

Your Sexual Persona
As a Phi you are not overly sexual, but you're definitely sexual enough. Many people tend to view themselves as overtly sexual, or fret that they aren't sexual enough. Phis, on the other hand, fall somewhere neatly in between the two extremes. You feel just fine about how sexy you appear to others. You have a decent level of sexual confidence too, and you're aware of others' sexual presence. You know to some degree what you like when it comes to sex. All in all, you're more balanced than most, because you don't obsess over any of the above-mentioned criteria

Because you aren't an extremist, you tend not to feel especially negative or positive about your sexuality unless prompted by an extreme circumstance. In other words, a situation that is especially positive or a situation that is uncomfortably negative may cause you to...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EMOTIONAL/PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF SEXUALITY
Ö - PPTDV - 1

Your Emotional/Physical Balance
You're a P-. Your sexual motivation is primarily driven by the physical high you derive from sex. It isn't necessarily that you don't assign emotional importance to having sex with someone; it's that the physical side of sex is much more compelling to you and is what most strongly motivates you to pursue being sexual with someone. Further, you are fairly goal-oriented when it comes to sex. You may even find foreplay — for all its meandering and playfulness — a bit difficult to bear at times. Your preference is a more direct path to orgasm. A word of advice: communicate this preference to your partners, as some may misunderstand your lack of interest in foreplay as a lack of interest in them sexually.

Your Desire for Emotional Connection During Sex
There is an emotional component to sex for you, but the need to connect with your sexual partner it isn't the driving force...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOUCH/LOOK ASPECTS OF SEXUALITY
Ö - PTTDV - 1
Your Touch/Look Balance
You appreciate the visual aspect of your sexual experiences, but displaying and being shown physical affection is a slightly more compelling part of the experience for you. Indeed, while when it comes to the balance of the physical closeness versus looking and admiring your partner from a bit of a distance, you tend more strongly to be a toucher than a watcher. It can cause confusion sometimes, with you drawn to and away from your sexual partner simultaneously in some instances. When in doubt, however, you tend to move in closer rather than sit back to enjoy the show.

Your Tendency to be Affectionate During Sex
You know what you like during sex, and it isn't necessarily gobs of affection. Whether you are involved with a casual partner or a long-term lover, you aren't likely to go...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DARING/MODEST ASPECTS OF SEXUALITY
Ö - PTDDV - 1
You aren't willing to hang from the chandelier naked, but you are willing to try lots of things that others might be too shy to try. You can't help yourself. You like a little adventure when it comes to romping around in the sack, or wherever it happens to be that you do your wild thing. You might even have surprised a few of your sexual partners in the past, although you aren't apt to fret about the possibility. After all, you know when to be daring and when not to be. You know who can appreciate your ability to go to extremes, and who would prefer that you save the adventure for something else — say a mountaineering expedition. Day to day, you maintain a very healthy balance of both daring and modesty. And as long as you continue to remember that sex is all about mutual gratification and satisfaction, you're on the right track.

Your Openness to be Daring During Sex
Sure, you love sex. You just happen to love more traditional sex. It isn't that...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
VERBAL/NON-VERBAL ASPECTS OF SEXUALITY
Ö - PTDVV - 1
Your Verbal/Non-verbal Balance
When you've got something to communicate during sex, you're more likely to use verbal methods than other ways to communicate something, at least when compared with other people. It is slightly more natural (or else habitual) for you to talk through the act than it is to show how you are feeling through gestures and other, subtler means. Fortunately for both you and your sexual partners, you are also strong in the area of non-verbal communication, which makes you very flexible, and very adept at understanding others.

If you end up with someone who strongly prefers...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOUR LIBIDO
Ö - PTDV - 11
Your Libido
You really enjoy sex, but you don't contemplate it as much as do some people. When an opportunity presents itself, you're happy enough, but you aren't on a constant search for the next, great sexual experience. Most people experience peaks and valleys in their sex drive. Chances are that we have caught you at an unusual period in your life that isn't especially hot, heavy, or sex-filled. (For many people, the less sex they have...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOUR SEXUAL LIFE
Increasing Your Sexual Enjoyment
You are very well balanced when it comes to the physical and emotional aspects of sex. That doesn't mean you can't improve on an already healthy approach. Oftentimes, the way to optimize sexual pleasure is to clue into your sexual fantasies. Explore them to learn more about yourself, and try generating new ones; they may help you to discover a lot about what you like, or what you feel you're lacking.

You don't have to act out your sexual fantasies in order to meet the sexual needs that are behind them. You just need to recognize...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your sexual persona is Phi. Overall, the Phi sexual persona is characterized by an equal balance between sex appeal, sexual confidence and sexual awareness.

P You're an P-. That means you probably tend to focus more on the physical feelings and rush of sex.
T You're an T-. That means you probably tend to enjoy watching yourself and your sexual partner while having sex.
D You're an D-. That means you tend to be more experimental, willing to try new things when it comes to sex.
V You're an V-. That means you tend to communicate with words instead of gestures during sex.

1 You're a 1 on a scale of 1-10. Your score reveals how strong your interest in sex is.

Jen, your sexual personality is Phi-ETDN-9.

Your sexual personality is determined by your sexual persona (Phi), 4 sexual scales (Emotional/Physical, Look/Touch, Daring/Modest, Verbal/Non-verbal), and your libido score (9).

As a Phi, you have a good sense of yourself and your sexuality. You know how to turn on the sex appeal when it suits your needs, and have a fair amount of confidence when it comes to your sexual performance.

How do we know this? How do we know that you focus more on the emotional than the physical connection with your partner while having sex?

Because while you were taking the test, you answered different kinds of questions — questions that measured what you're like in bed as well as your sex appeal, sexual confidence and sexual awareness.

And March redux...

March	What?	Done?
The 6th	E-journal submission (to group)
The 7th	Group Dynamics paper due (solo)	YES!
The 13th	E-journal submission (to group)
The 20th	E-journal due (submit to professor)
The 28th	Group Dynamics paper due (solo)
The ??	Negotiation due (???)

*sigh* I hate school. I'm really annoyed with my school right now, actually... but I'll go into that later. For now, I gotta get to bed. Maybe some kitties will join me. :)

Ah yes, and day 5 of total celibacy (yes, even that) is nearly ended, and so far, so good. I gotta make a note somewhere: Wednesday, March 6th was the last day there was any kind of action. Please note, this is by my choice, not circumstances. If you care. :)

Sometimes I wonder if I really mean anything I say, or if I'm just paying it lip service or saying it to appease people.

Have I lost who I am? Maybe. I need to find her again. She's probably buried under the mess in here.

Note to self: clean room. Clean cat's litterbox. Email prof. Email groups regarding group projects. Do work on group projects. Keep working on demo tape.

Somewhere in there, get sleep. Argh! Feeling stressed again. :(

All signs appear to point to Bill Hemmer as being the CNN news anchor that I thought was cute. On CNN he appears with glasses on, and I think I like him better that way. Watch CNN between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. (and I think straight through until 3 p.m.), to see him. :)

Okay.... I had a nice post going on, and I just hit escape and wiped it. That sucks royal ass.

The Test Results Are In! "You are a smooth chick."




You have a knack for greatness. For the record,you are:

93% Un-telligent!
which is significantly higher than the current average of 60%



Here is the custom report of your personality that led our team of geeks to conclude (with confidence) that you are resourceful and sly woman:

"The subject shows an astounding level of intelligence, and her sense of observation is one of her best qualities. Considering this, she shows a lot of potential, but that's only part of the equation.

"Also, as much as we hate violence, an occasional mauling is one way to solve day-to-day problems like unpleasant coworkers or pesky door-to-door salesmen; she just isn't tough enough, sir, and she avoids any solution that involves violence.

"Finally, the subject displayed a healthy (better than most net freaks anyway) sense of humor, a fair and productive sense of morality, and a barbaric self-confidence. The balance of these three traits is important; high levels of confidence, medium levels of morality, and a good level of humor make for the strongest individuals."

Final Score: 93% Un-telligent

Argh. Must get *more* sleep. Stop staying out or up late! Stupid. :P

Anyhow, looks like Diana is having the same problem I am... although I'm not necessarily hating the city or looking to die. *sigh* Gotta get moving though... I have a presentation today in my first class and a paper to hand in in my second class. I'm supposed to get together with pizza guy tonight... awkward feeling. As long as we don't go to his house, I think things will be okay. Who knows?

Birthday party/drinks at the bar tomorrow for a friend I haven't seen in ages. I've been asked by two people so far if I'm going, so that's kinda nice. :) Anyhow, more later. Gotta get moving.

Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?

I have to make some serious changes in my life. *sigh* My scale reached an all-time high recently, so I'm going to cut Coke and possibly chocolate out of my diet for awhile. I'm not going to cut them out completely, but they will be seriously minimized between now and whenever. :P

Also, I am in major debt, so I'm going to have to really budget myself and be really careful with my money. I'm going to try to premake meals maybe the night before, and try to make them healthy, so that I can just grab them and run in the morning.

The ex- and I aren't talking for a bit (his request, also a thought I'd been having so I stop feeling mindfucked, which I told him last night), and I'm wondering if I should do the same with a few other people. I feel like just burying myself for awhile.

Ah well... nothing much, write later.

So, just a brief post before I head off to school, then maybe some more content from work.

Had a bit of an unusual mood going on yesterday. I realized that while I have had sex in the last while, it's been a long time since I've actually made love with someone. While I was thinking I was defining making love as touching gently and softly, spending a long time just kissing and touching lightly, and not rushing towards orgasm or anything like that. Not that I usually rush towards orgasm (if I'm even that lucky!), but sometimes that's more of the 'point' to the whole event than just enjoying the now. It led to a bit of a debate with the coworker on whether or not you can make love with someone that you're not in love with. Interesting conversation.

I wanted to dress up in nice lingerie -- not for the trashiness of it, but just for how feminine and sexy it can make me feel -- and light lots of candles and just spend a nice, slow evening just touching and carressing and everything else that's incorporated.

A bit funny for me to feel this way considering my friend was telling me Monday night about how she had a really hot sex session with her boyfriend, and they often have the sweet love. :)

I just wanted to feel cherished and 'loved' for lack of a better word and I felt tender and giving for sure, and almost romantic. I wanted to lay with someone and give them pleasure. Not that I'm generally selfish, but I think there was more emotional-giving involved in this than my usual, I just like to give feeling.

Anyhow, time to get rolling.. I just remembered I have a paper to write (and another to rewrite) tonight, and I have some monster reading to get done for it. :P No lingering at work today if I can avoid it. I just wanted to get that feeling written about as best I could before I took off and forgot about it.

A snide remark I made that I'm somewhat proud of:

But first, a prelude: I made the statement that a conversation I was having was making me sick to my stomach.

The question was, "Why are you ill?"

My response:

"Because I'm smiling so much at the idea of you staying with and defending your girlfriend that you'd willingly cheat on that the muscles all the way down are strained"

The Scorecard

Okay... some thinking as I type. This should be interesting. I'm divvying up the post by guys in my life, which is a pretty pathetic way to look at my life, but there you have it.

Had a very interesting (word of the moment) conversation with the ex- last night. Basically saying that he still wants me, still thinks about a relationship with me (talk about a turnaround from last time!), thinks of sleeping with me more than he thinks of sleeping with his current girlfriend, etc., etc. I kept the conversation, but I'm not going to post it here, since I don't feel right about that. Prolly bad enough I'm talking about it, but what the heck. He said he had a lot of thinking to do about his relationship.... since they hooked up on St. Valentine's Day, I was saying something about the romance of the day... he said it wasn't romantic, just a day. I said next year, when they celebrate their one-year anniversary, it would be, and he said he didn't think (didn't know?) if they'd be lasting that long. I said she'd be hurt to hear him say that, and he said probably. So, there was a bit of talk about his devotion (or lack thereof) to the relationship. We also talked a bit about cheating and he said he didn't think he'd feel bad if he and I hooked up when he was here (probably going to be in town on the weekend), and I said I wasn't going to be a part of that, 'cause I don't want him resenting me. Some other things happened during the conversation and he said he wasn't upset with me, didn't really feel anything... and that's almost how I feel about it. I was quizzing him about how far the two of them have gone and whatnot, and I just felt kinda numb. A bit upset, but really just kinda numb. I'm going to see him when he's in town this weekend, and just see how I feel -- I haven't seen him since Christmas, so it'll be interesting to see how I feel when I do see him.

Next guy... pizza guy. Willing to take me back, in spite of the problems that have occurred (the whole 'seeing someone else at the same time as him' thing). Cares deeply about me... missed me while we weren't talking, spent a week listening to pop music 'cause of where I work and that I (sometimes) listen to it, and was basically miserable while I was gone. It's been a few days since that week was up, and we chatted a bit today. I feel awkward around him now. It's not so much because he cares about me (argh!), but simply because I feel bad about everything... and now I know it was my friend who made some comment to her boyfriend (who happens to be pizza guy's roommate), who quizzed her until she told... and then the roommate told pizza guy. (I learned that one today, although I'd guessed it earlier, since the friend and her roommate were the only ones who knew who could affect things). Pizza guy and I are getting together Thursday to just hang out. I like him fine and all, but... I don't know. The pizza grease and smell kinda get to me, and that's probably unfair. *sigh* I don't know. I just didn't want something serious out of it, and it looks like it kinda got that way. I feel bad.

I'm going to write about the coworker and various other things, but I'm going to do that tomorrow. I'm pretty tired and I have to get up in six hours, so bed is calling (and kitties are snoring around me... it's very cute). Anyhow, basic thought that ran through my head that I wanted to write down before I kept forgetting it: I hate finding out or suspecting that someone likes me, 'cause then I start looking at them much differently (kinda like how I'm looking at the last friend to proposition me :P). Other than that, I made my aunt cry tonight. It's been a good day. :P [sarcasm] Especially the part where I watched even more Tom Green 'cause of the hardon that my prof has for the guy! [/sarcasm]. Yeah, I know those are the wrong tags, but I can use the alligator ones 'cause they won't show up. I'll also explain the frustration later. :)

Anyhow, shout out to my homie in the UK/South Africa... okay, so I'm way too mainstream to use the expression shout out, but I'm trying to get people to laugh. :) Night.

Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Did get to go the party, as I said. It wasn't bad, although I started off tired, so buy the time I finished my third Smirnoff's, I was ready to sleep standing up; that part kinda sucked.

Initially just sat around talking to the coworker and a few people from the station (there weren't that many there), as well as one girl I used to babysit. It's not as bad as it sounds; she's the same age as my sister, so she's only three years younger than me.

She and I were comparing tattoos and piercings (that was an interesting conversation!), and I made friends with a married couple, who gave me their phone number. I think I will in fact call them; not sure what'll happen, but the wife of the couple is only 22, so she and I could potentially hit it off. I'm always up for more female friends. :)

We talked threesomes and whatnot, and that was pretty funny. I also talked piercings in that group and I think one guy was trying to pick me of... also shared some new illicit substances with a guy who reminded me of a friend of the pizza guy... he's from Manotick, and seemed like fun. I thought maybe he was also somewhat interested, but he didn't really say.

All in all, it was worth having the night off for, I think. :)

Today's been fun. :P Did a bit of shopping at the Price Club, then came to work. I was feeling pretty weak from hunger by the time we left Price Club, so I preordered my dinner, then gave some of it (pizza) away. The news lady took two pieces of the good pizza, so that made me sad (I offered up the pizza and hoped she'd take the plain cheese, which was somewhat disappointing. Instead she took the chicken and pineapple. Ah well :).

Broke the keyboard tray for the INES computer, so I'm typing this with the keyboard in my lap. I can't put the keyboard on the board, since the Rabbi is live, and I thought he was going to be prerecorded. I think working in the communication industry is somewhat frustrating sometimes. *sigh*

Picked up Shadowbrat from the vet this morning, later than I'd planned, but apparently she was fine. She was being her usual snuggly purring self, so my friends at the vet liked her. :)

Haven't gotten nearly enough sleep this week because of staying up late and writing essays and whatnot, but this month coming up is going to be much less hectic than February or April, so it's all good.

Going to a party tonight, I'm looking forward to that. I had to ask for time off work to go, but it's the first time I've done that, and frankly, I think I deserve it. I work my ass off, and one night off every few months isn't going to kill anyone (although it could kill me if I don't get it :). I did have a week off for vacation, but it was the worst reading week ever, so I want to go out and have fun. :)

I was uploading features for work yesterday, and one of them is Biography for Radio -- a 90-second profile of various celebrities that runs in the mornings. The Monday show was Dr. Seuss, and the whole thing rhymed -- it was pretty awesome. :)

Did some practice breaks, as well... my coworker friend gave 'em a listen and said he was pretty impressed with them, considering I'm brand new to doing them. Some of them were pretty good, but I kept upward-inflecting my voice so that I sounded uncertain. Don't know why... also need to work on sounding more upbeat and whatnot.

Anyhow, that wasn't what I was thinking when I started all this... I was actually just thinking that I'm in a trend right now of keeping up to date on the lives of a bunch of my friends, which is great... but we're all doing it through on-line journals, which is a bit funny. We're nerds! :)

Ah well... I think that's it. I want to get a nap or something before I leave for the party, and I need to stop eating fortune cookies. :) I'm also thinking again about dyeing my hair red (and doing things like deposting my paycheque in the bank), so I should get moving. People tend to look at you funny when you show up in public in pjs.

Much better. Still have to do our presentation for Negotiation class, but otherwise my February has been finished. Huzzah.

More later. :)